Working in a popular bar, you always have a "Bar Loser". If you don't know what I'm talking about, you are that loser. You know the person that always makes excuses about everything. The person that can never pay his tab in full, ever. He's always saying, here's twenty dollars take that off my tab. Like Norm from Cheers. He always has a sure thing at the bookies. Comes in to the bar with the horse racing part of the paper and the bookies pencil behind his ear. In my bar lets call him Joe, this guy is such a loser that when he goes to the track the teller gives him his ticket already torn up. However, for some strange reason, God takes care of drunks and fools, so were all going to be just fine.
Can I have a greyhound, what are you too cool to ask for a vodka and grapefruit- dickhead. I always charge these fucking snobs more. I hate when people come into the bar, I look at them, say hi, what can I get you, and they look at me like I'm speaking Chinese. People what do you think I just asked you, you came in to a bar, I'm the bartender behind the bar and I say something, I wonder what I could be possibly saying. Tell me what you want so I can move on and get another drink for someone else nob head, thank you.
Some people must think the bar is in a lighthouse, I got a call the other night and the person said to me, is the coast clear!! that's weird right. You must be really drunk when you get pulled over by the coast guards.
This Afghanistan man came in to the bar and asked me if I could recommend a good port, I said, Yup, Newark, New Jersey- piss off!! Its only a joke.
Cheers for now, tip your bartender
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Central Park: The Eighth Wonder Of The World?
Being a Bartender in New York City is amazing. Its the most fun you can have with your pants on, sometimes off. I will continue to do it until I stop enjoying it. However like every job there are times when its difficult and stressful. That is way I love to go to Central Park, in the heart of New York City. If its only for an hour once in a while, for me its like a mini holiday. Its my NYC shrink, and costs a lot less. A big couch in the middle of the city. Central Park is like the heart that beats New York City for me. I like to run, and for me there is no place like Central Park. Once you enter the park everything slows down and gets so tranquil. The energy is high, exciting and it pulls you in. The park is over 150 years old, over 80% is below street level, over 800 acres, first public park built in America, and the perimeter is over six miles long from 59Th street to 110 street. By the way, whats the hardest thing about rollerblading? Telling your parents your gay!! Thats for all those male rollerblade fuck heads that fly all over the place and continually get in my way. The women are cool !!!
There are so many points of interest, I could not possibly mention them all, and to be honest I don't want to share them all as I want them all to myself. But here's a few, go see John over by the plaza at 59Th street on the south east corner of the park. He is a real character, look for him and romeo- his white and black spotted horse. Take a ride with him on his horse and carriage, he's full of fascinating information and stories. Ask him about David Beckham, Tom Cruise and Al Pacino, just to name a few.
Where John is, go in to the beautiful park on the south east corner, as you go down the steps to the park and the pond, there is a German light post which was dedicated to the German village that used to be there. Up by the Metropolitan Museum of Art at 83rd street and 5Th avenue, there is a black statue that is dedicated to the black village that was once there, and by the Columbus Circle entrance at 59Th street and Central Park West, where the Irish village once was, there is a banjo and a couple of empty bottle's of whiskey, to represent the Irish village that used to be in that part of the park!!!
There's actually a Scottish man that always plays his bagpipes just south of the Met at 82nd street in the park, sporting his kilt and all. He sounds great. There's nothing quite like the sound of the bagpipes. Once you hear them in the park, particularly when the sun is going down, its remarkable and haunting. By the way, you know the difference between an onion and a bagpipe- nobody cries when you chop up a bagpipe. That ones for my Scottish pal Stevie.
When at the Heckscher ball fields at west 63rd street, bring a sandwich and look for smokie, he will get you a beer to wash down your lunch. In the summer time there are continuous baseball and softball games, a lot from the local Broadways shows. A great place to relax, have a beer and take it all in. I think a lot of New Yorkers take Central Park for granted and forget how beautiful the park really is, oh the simple things in life.
Now that's enough for now, when your finished in the park come down to my bar have a beer and don't forget to give my a tip especially now after all this great information I've just given you, cheers and your welcome!!
There are so many points of interest, I could not possibly mention them all, and to be honest I don't want to share them all as I want them all to myself. But here's a few, go see John over by the plaza at 59Th street on the south east corner of the park. He is a real character, look for him and romeo- his white and black spotted horse. Take a ride with him on his horse and carriage, he's full of fascinating information and stories. Ask him about David Beckham, Tom Cruise and Al Pacino, just to name a few.
Where John is, go in to the beautiful park on the south east corner, as you go down the steps to the park and the pond, there is a German light post which was dedicated to the German village that used to be there. Up by the Metropolitan Museum of Art at 83rd street and 5Th avenue, there is a black statue that is dedicated to the black village that was once there, and by the Columbus Circle entrance at 59Th street and Central Park West, where the Irish village once was, there is a banjo and a couple of empty bottle's of whiskey, to represent the Irish village that used to be in that part of the park!!!
There's actually a Scottish man that always plays his bagpipes just south of the Met at 82nd street in the park, sporting his kilt and all. He sounds great. There's nothing quite like the sound of the bagpipes. Once you hear them in the park, particularly when the sun is going down, its remarkable and haunting. By the way, you know the difference between an onion and a bagpipe- nobody cries when you chop up a bagpipe. That ones for my Scottish pal Stevie.
When at the Heckscher ball fields at west 63rd street, bring a sandwich and look for smokie, he will get you a beer to wash down your lunch. In the summer time there are continuous baseball and softball games, a lot from the local Broadways shows. A great place to relax, have a beer and take it all in. I think a lot of New Yorkers take Central Park for granted and forget how beautiful the park really is, oh the simple things in life.
Now that's enough for now, when your finished in the park come down to my bar have a beer and don't forget to give my a tip especially now after all this great information I've just given you, cheers and your welcome!!
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Cheese!!!
I love when people ask me at the bar, "Can you take a photo". We all know the power of a photo and the memories they Capture, so I'm always happy to take a picture, usually anyway. Everybody always says, its the button on the top, thanks a lot. No shit Sherlock, really, the button on the top right corner. Thanks for pointing that out, douchebag, I would have never figured it out. Its only been there since the dawn of time, Cavemen know how to take a photo. People, I don't think we need to say that anymore, "Its the button on the right corner of the camera". Just hand the fuckin camera to somebody and say, " Can you please take a fuckin photo, thanks".
Reminds me of a funny story. A couple of months ago I'm closing up at the bar. I'm checking the floor for anything left behind when I notice this girls pocket book. I look through it for ID so I can see who owns it. I can't see anything, no ID, nothing. So I dig in a little further and a notice a bunch of photo's in this case. I open the case up to see if I possible know who owns the bag. Well I certainly find out who owns the bag. I see pictures of a lady I know, naked and getting fucked in more ways than I care to know, and have ever seen and by more people than I care to know. This lady was one hell of a swinger, a real porn star. Well I leave the bag behind the bar with the anticipation of seeing her the next night. Sure enough she shows up; the porn star, the next night and asks me if I found a bag the night before. I told her I found your bag, she says, "How did you know it was my bag. I said, I saw the pictures. Good she says, I left them for you. Hello!!
Well don't forget to tip your bartender, photo's optional.
Reminds me of a funny story. A couple of months ago I'm closing up at the bar. I'm checking the floor for anything left behind when I notice this girls pocket book. I look through it for ID so I can see who owns it. I can't see anything, no ID, nothing. So I dig in a little further and a notice a bunch of photo's in this case. I open the case up to see if I possible know who owns the bag. Well I certainly find out who owns the bag. I see pictures of a lady I know, naked and getting fucked in more ways than I care to know, and have ever seen and by more people than I care to know. This lady was one hell of a swinger, a real porn star. Well I leave the bag behind the bar with the anticipation of seeing her the next night. Sure enough she shows up; the porn star, the next night and asks me if I found a bag the night before. I told her I found your bag, she says, "How did you know it was my bag. I said, I saw the pictures. Good she says, I left them for you. Hello!!
Well don't forget to tip your bartender, photo's optional.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Please, do your "wanking" at home?
Its about 10pm last night, the first rush of the night is over awaiting the next one. So its starting slowly to fill up at the bar. My girlfriend surprises me with a visit to the bar. We are chatting a bit when I notice this Mexican guy come in and sit at the corner of the bar across from us. By the way I knew he was Mexican because half of Mexico is working in our kitchen. I welcome him in to the bar and he asks me for a corona- what a surprise. I take his money and bring him back his change out of his twenty. Actually I was reading in the New York Daily News today that Mexicans are the happiest people in the world- I think that's because most of them live in America.
Well the bar starts to fill up a bit more, so I serve a few more people. So about ten minutes pass, then I go back to the end of the bar to see how my girlfriend is doing. As I walk down the bar I look at her face and I can see that something is not right. I see this horrified look on her face as she is staring at the Mexican guy sitting across from her in the corner. I look at him only to see him playing with himself, his dick in his hand. I grab his money and drink and tell him to get the fuck out of the bar, "you sick little fucker". That wasn't the tip I was looking for. Please people do your wanking- masturbating at home.
A guy actually got arrested the other day for masturbating. I mean has the world gone crazy, getting arrested for masturbating, if that was the case, I should be on death row!!
That reminds me, its actually a little embarrassing for me. When I was a kid my dad walked into my bedroom unexpectedly only to catch me playing with myself. He says to me, "Son if you don't stop playing with yourself you will go blind", I was like, "dad I'm sitting over here".
Well have fun, go out have a beer, no wanking, and always tip your bartender.
Well the bar starts to fill up a bit more, so I serve a few more people. So about ten minutes pass, then I go back to the end of the bar to see how my girlfriend is doing. As I walk down the bar I look at her face and I can see that something is not right. I see this horrified look on her face as she is staring at the Mexican guy sitting across from her in the corner. I look at him only to see him playing with himself, his dick in his hand. I grab his money and drink and tell him to get the fuck out of the bar, "you sick little fucker". That wasn't the tip I was looking for. Please people do your wanking- masturbating at home.
A guy actually got arrested the other day for masturbating. I mean has the world gone crazy, getting arrested for masturbating, if that was the case, I should be on death row!!
That reminds me, its actually a little embarrassing for me. When I was a kid my dad walked into my bedroom unexpectedly only to catch me playing with myself. He says to me, "Son if you don't stop playing with yourself you will go blind", I was like, "dad I'm sitting over here".
Well have fun, go out have a beer, no wanking, and always tip your bartender.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Pope Benedict- Holy Shit!!
Pope Benedict is believed to have gotten the bird flu, they think he might have got it from one of the Cardinals. Now we have the swine flu but there is something even more serious than that, is called the turtle flu. Its coming slowly but its coming, just wait and see.
There was this priest in the bar last night, local priest, bit of a prick to be honest. I recently went into see him as I am the godfather of my friends baby and I was introducing myself for the upcoming christening. Well to make a long story painful, he made me feel about as welcome as a fart in a spaceman's suit. Did you know that you now have to register to go to mass, its turning into the department of motor vehicle's. Well, this is what this messenger of God said to me- who knew, I wonder will it involve a donation?
So anyway he comes into the bar last night and asks me for a glass of wine, so I give him a glass of water and tell him to make it himself. Now before you get upset with me he did make me feel earlier about as welcome as a black man at a k.k.k meeting. So were really busy and there are no tables available for dinner so he's getting a bit annoyed at the wait, so I say to him, you will get the next table. Well every 2 minutes he keeps asking me, is the table ready, is the table ready, like a kid asking his parents if there, there yet. So I say to him, if you like you can register for a table, with that he storms out all pissed off. I thought one of the things you need as a priest is patience and a sense of humor, unfortunately he had neither.
The catholic church are cock tickling their way into bankruptcy. You can't really blame the priests because a lot of them started out as altar boys and got sucked into it.
Religion is all about recognition. The Jews don't recognise the Palestinians as the settlers of Jerusalem. The Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christians, and the Mormons cult, (sounds like....?) don't recognize each other in hooters.
That reminds me, these two priests were having dinner together at the bar the other night and I didn't know whether to send them over a bottle of wine or a cub scout!! I think I'm going to hell for that one.
Remember tip your bartender!!
There was this priest in the bar last night, local priest, bit of a prick to be honest. I recently went into see him as I am the godfather of my friends baby and I was introducing myself for the upcoming christening. Well to make a long story painful, he made me feel about as welcome as a fart in a spaceman's suit. Did you know that you now have to register to go to mass, its turning into the department of motor vehicle's. Well, this is what this messenger of God said to me- who knew, I wonder will it involve a donation?
So anyway he comes into the bar last night and asks me for a glass of wine, so I give him a glass of water and tell him to make it himself. Now before you get upset with me he did make me feel earlier about as welcome as a black man at a k.k.k meeting. So were really busy and there are no tables available for dinner so he's getting a bit annoyed at the wait, so I say to him, you will get the next table. Well every 2 minutes he keeps asking me, is the table ready, is the table ready, like a kid asking his parents if there, there yet. So I say to him, if you like you can register for a table, with that he storms out all pissed off. I thought one of the things you need as a priest is patience and a sense of humor, unfortunately he had neither.
The catholic church are cock tickling their way into bankruptcy. You can't really blame the priests because a lot of them started out as altar boys and got sucked into it.
Religion is all about recognition. The Jews don't recognise the Palestinians as the settlers of Jerusalem. The Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christians, and the Mormons cult, (sounds like....?) don't recognize each other in hooters.
That reminds me, these two priests were having dinner together at the bar the other night and I didn't know whether to send them over a bottle of wine or a cub scout!! I think I'm going to hell for that one.
Remember tip your bartender!!
Monday, September 28, 2009
Gay Marriage
Well gay marriage is a hot topic these days, I was actually talking about this with a few fagot lads "just kidding maybe",at the bar last night. My personal view, (and if you have been reading my blog you know I rarely get personal and share my feelings. Feelings are like your mothers breasts, you know where they are but there better un-felt), is that you should be able to marry anybody or anything, except your sister- Alabama, West Virgina. I actually think it should be compulsory for gay people to marry- if you are in a committed relationship for a few years, as I am actually sick of how good they look, all buffed up and tanned. It would be nice to say something to another man and for him to hear and translate exactly what you said, unlike women who for some reason hear something completely different!!!! I said to my girlfriend today, you are so beautiful darling, and she said, so you think I'm fat do you. Now is it just me but I have said that to myself a few times what I said to her and I don't hear or see fat anywhere!!! Talking about same sex marriage, I,ve been having the same sex for years.
Actually sometimes people think I'm gay because I'm slim, neat, my apartment is tidy, not married and I like Tom Cruise just a little too much. If my girlfriend ever came home and said she slept with Tom cruise, I would be like- give me details girlfriend!!
By the way, every husband or boyfriend has heard some version of this question- does this dress make me look fat or my arse look fat? Every man who lives with a women has had to sit in that hot seat- in the bathroom, bedroom, hallway, living room, hotel room, pretty much anywhere. They go through an endless parade of outfits, like your very own fashion show, each after each apparently make her arse look fat. No matter what kind of man you are, you can "never" utter those words or tell the truth in this situation. Words like, its fine luv, it looks great or sweetheart I love the way your arse looks in that. Those words will get you into a lot of trouble. I have spent many years in this situation and have decided to give into this exercise and to just go with it and she will be ready when she's ready, its healthier that way. I say to myself, relax, just relax. It's this really hot chick trying on all different outfits. You get to see a sexy girl naked. Just sit back and enjoy the show. She tries on an outfit takes it off then she parades around in her bra and panties looking for another outfit. She takes that off and her bra, so now she is topless- holy shit. Then she puts high heels on wearing nothing- fuck this is hot. When I was a teenager, a hot chick sauntering around your bedroom was considered an impossible event and here it is happening multiple times a week for free. I'm telling you, fellas- once you use my system and go with it, (because you will never win if you go against it), it just doesn't get any better than this. What I do now is run into the kitchen stuff some kind of food in my mouth, get changed real quick and then sit on the edge of the bed and let the games begin: I don't think that's the right outfit, sweetheart, I like the dress but without the panties. It turns being late for dinner into and entirely different thing. Just let it go and go with it, try it fellas it works and its a lot of fun, I love it- your welcome.
Why do women get all the nice names- Vagina and Breasts, and we get the ugly names, Penis and Scrotum? I would go to Vagina and Breasts in a heart beat on my holidays, they sound warm and beautiful. I wouldn't fancy going to Penis or Scrotum they sound like a cold and dark place where it rains all the time- just a thought.
Also do you ever notice all these woman's books and magazines on how to please your man: 101 ways to please your man. Give me a break, stop wasting your money girls, there's 4 ways to please your man- give him a good blow job, play with his balls, make him a good sandwich, and talk less- its that simple.
Anyway that's all I have to say on the topic right now so go out have a drink and tip your bartender.
Actually sometimes people think I'm gay because I'm slim, neat, my apartment is tidy, not married and I like Tom Cruise just a little too much. If my girlfriend ever came home and said she slept with Tom cruise, I would be like- give me details girlfriend!!
By the way, every husband or boyfriend has heard some version of this question- does this dress make me look fat or my arse look fat? Every man who lives with a women has had to sit in that hot seat- in the bathroom, bedroom, hallway, living room, hotel room, pretty much anywhere. They go through an endless parade of outfits, like your very own fashion show, each after each apparently make her arse look fat. No matter what kind of man you are, you can "never" utter those words or tell the truth in this situation. Words like, its fine luv, it looks great or sweetheart I love the way your arse looks in that. Those words will get you into a lot of trouble. I have spent many years in this situation and have decided to give into this exercise and to just go with it and she will be ready when she's ready, its healthier that way. I say to myself, relax, just relax. It's this really hot chick trying on all different outfits. You get to see a sexy girl naked. Just sit back and enjoy the show. She tries on an outfit takes it off then she parades around in her bra and panties looking for another outfit. She takes that off and her bra, so now she is topless- holy shit. Then she puts high heels on wearing nothing- fuck this is hot. When I was a teenager, a hot chick sauntering around your bedroom was considered an impossible event and here it is happening multiple times a week for free. I'm telling you, fellas- once you use my system and go with it, (because you will never win if you go against it), it just doesn't get any better than this. What I do now is run into the kitchen stuff some kind of food in my mouth, get changed real quick and then sit on the edge of the bed and let the games begin: I don't think that's the right outfit, sweetheart, I like the dress but without the panties. It turns being late for dinner into and entirely different thing. Just let it go and go with it, try it fellas it works and its a lot of fun, I love it- your welcome.
Why do women get all the nice names- Vagina and Breasts, and we get the ugly names, Penis and Scrotum? I would go to Vagina and Breasts in a heart beat on my holidays, they sound warm and beautiful. I wouldn't fancy going to Penis or Scrotum they sound like a cold and dark place where it rains all the time- just a thought.
Also do you ever notice all these woman's books and magazines on how to please your man: 101 ways to please your man. Give me a break, stop wasting your money girls, there's 4 ways to please your man- give him a good blow job, play with his balls, make him a good sandwich, and talk less- its that simple.
Anyway that's all I have to say on the topic right now so go out have a drink and tip your bartender.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
The Crying Game
So I go out to meet my friend after work tonight on the upper west side in a bar called O'hurleys, a busy Irish bar on 72ND and Broadway. I walk in and Jeff is waiting for me chatting to a gorgeous middle aged women at the end of the bar. I say hello to Jeff but he's giving my the eye's, you know, fuck off leave me alone, I'm on to a winner here. So I leave him alone and walk down to the bartender Paul at the other end of the bar. The thing about bartenders is that we all know each other and we basically just bring the money back that he left at your bar. Its one fun vicious circle. What Paul tells me is what makes this night so interesting for all, and the reason for the title of this story. He says to me; you know that beautiful girl your mate Jeff is talking to, well, wait for it, its actually a man. No fuckin way, are you bleedin kidding me. So I take a large swig of my beer and say to myself; shit this is going to be good!
So I finish my beer, Paul hands me another one, says good luck and I walk down to see Jeff. Jeff I say, lets get out of here, lets go down town. No he whispers to me, this bird is mad into me, she wants to fuck me and she wants me to go up to her apartment up the street. Jeff, lets go again I say, a little bit more abruptly. Get out of here I'm going up the street with her. So I say fuck ya off you go see you later. By the way I will be here if you make it back in time- ya right. So as Jeff and his "date" sashayed out the door of the bar I wondered to myself what did my good friend have in store for himself this night. I waited eagerly with Paul at the end of the bar for his imminent re-arrival, I hoped anyway.
Sure enough as quick as he leaves the bar, he is back just as quick. Obviously knowing what went on I say; how come your back so quick. Ah I was not really into her. Well you looked like you your really into each other. Just leave it alone alright, Jeff says. So we have a few more beers with Paul, Jeff has a few shots (probably to get the taste out of his mouth) and then we head down town in a cab. As me and Jeff are heading down town in the cab I start at him again. So Jeff why were you so quick with her. Ah I just wasn't that into it that's all. Really that's surprising considering how you both seemed to be so into each other, the kissing and all that. Just let it go for fuck sake will ya he says. Again I say I just don't get it how it ended so quickly. Will you just leave it alone, again he protests. Seriously I say, was the reason that you weren't into it because she had a cock. What the fuck you prick, you knew. I tried to get you out of here earlier but you were sure you were onto a sure thing. Well you made your bed so you can sleep in it, I say to him- all pun intended. Listen Jeff say's to me, if you ever tell this to anybody I will fuckin kill you- you got me, I will fuckin kill you.
So people lets keep this to ourselves and don't forget to tip your bartender!!
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Bartenders Don't Like To Hear Thier Tips!!!
This Blog is for all the bartenders that read my blog, the people that eat their dinner standing up, the people that have a great job but have to put up with wankers once in a while. We know the people, the people that come into bars and ask for extra liqueur or I can't taste the liqueur,or," by the way there's going to be a lot of or's", or, can I have it with no ice, or straight up with coke on the side, or hook me up!!! That's the best line, Hook Me Up, but fail every time to hook up the bartender. When will "These people" get it, you get nothing for nothing especially when you don't tip. Bartenders and most people, we all know the people I am talking about. The people that want everything and give zero in return. Slavery was abolished many moons ago, let it go. I love the verbal tip, the one where they say how wonderful everything was and then walk out the fucking door. Even better when people say, I would like a greyhound,(which is just vodka and grapefruit juice), Oh its so hard to say vodka and grapefruit. I usually say the pet shop is up the block, this is a bar douche bag. I had this girl come in tonight and say, can I have a cuba libre, which I found out is simply a rum and coke. Now I have been bar tending for over ten years now and I have never heard of a rum and coke been referred to anything else but a rum and coke. Would you ever get over yourself and get a fuckin life. Its a rum and coke, its not a cuba libre, that some place in Cuba where some of us are not allowed to go, hope your allowed to go, miss cuba libre- why don't you go and stay the fuck there, you pretences twat.
I had these three people that came into the bar the other night and were questioning the price of the drinks as all these cunts do; if you have to question the price of the drink, stay the fuck home, you oxygen wasters. Anyway they are questioning the price of the drink and I tell them its the price and that's it, anyway they do this purposely so as to make them feel ok about leaving no tip. So they leave me 5 cent as a tip, remember the headline, I don't like to hear my tip. So a couple of days go by and I see the big tippers in the bar again so I get 5 cent out of the register and give it back to the people and say, you left this here last week do you want change.
Remember for every action there is always a reaction. Well they say to me that I was so rude, rude I say, I'm not the one leaving 5 cent tips- go fuck yourself.
I like to keep my blog funny because that's what I'm really interested in, so I want to tell you a funny story.
This man was telling me this story the other night and I thought it was so funny. This guy leaves the bar one night and at the end of the street there is a diner where a lot of taxi people park out side to go to the diner. So this guy jumps into a taxi with the keys in it, and he is obviously fucked up drunk and sum how makes it home to Queens. Well he wake's up the next morning all hung over and feeling bad. His wife is all pissed off at him for coming home late and drunk. So she says to him, I hope you didn't drive home at least, I hope you got a taxi home, he says nothing for a second puts his head out the window of his apartment and says, of course I did, I got a taxi home, and the taxi he stole a few hours before is still outside his door. He swears that's a true story.
Cheers everyone tip your bartenders, even cabby's!!!
I had these three people that came into the bar the other night and were questioning the price of the drinks as all these cunts do; if you have to question the price of the drink, stay the fuck home, you oxygen wasters. Anyway they are questioning the price of the drink and I tell them its the price and that's it, anyway they do this purposely so as to make them feel ok about leaving no tip. So they leave me 5 cent as a tip, remember the headline, I don't like to hear my tip. So a couple of days go by and I see the big tippers in the bar again so I get 5 cent out of the register and give it back to the people and say, you left this here last week do you want change.
Remember for every action there is always a reaction. Well they say to me that I was so rude, rude I say, I'm not the one leaving 5 cent tips- go fuck yourself.
I like to keep my blog funny because that's what I'm really interested in, so I want to tell you a funny story.
This man was telling me this story the other night and I thought it was so funny. This guy leaves the bar one night and at the end of the street there is a diner where a lot of taxi people park out side to go to the diner. So this guy jumps into a taxi with the keys in it, and he is obviously fucked up drunk and sum how makes it home to Queens. Well he wake's up the next morning all hung over and feeling bad. His wife is all pissed off at him for coming home late and drunk. So she says to him, I hope you didn't drive home at least, I hope you got a taxi home, he says nothing for a second puts his head out the window of his apartment and says, of course I did, I got a taxi home, and the taxi he stole a few hours before is still outside his door. He swears that's a true story.
Cheers everyone tip your bartenders, even cabby's!!!
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Is America Over Weight?
I was reading the Sunday New York Times today and there was an article saying "Obesity is at epidemic levels in America". So what they are saying is laziness is at epidemic levels in America. They say obesity is a disease, no its not, leprosy is a disease, diabetes is a disease, obesity is not a disease. They say its a glandular thing, no its a greed thing. They say, no their just big boned, yes that's right, big bones covered in meat and gravy. Stop eating fast food and walk once in a while, you lazy fuckers. I live in New York City where we all walk a lot. Get off your arse America.
I was actually in the local diner reading this article and I notice how greedy people can be. For instance, you get free coffee refills in most diners but as I sit here I notice how much people can really abuse this. Would you have seven cheese burgers if you got free refills- actually most Americans probably would, stop drinking all the coffee you greedy bastards. I was talking to this guy at the bar the other night. He told me that he was in England and Ireland recently and was disappointed that when he ordered a sandwich in a deli, that he only got two pieces of meat in a sandwich, whereas in America you get half a pig. I told him, in Ireland and England they make their sandwiches to fit their mouths.
I'm actually on a diet right now myself, its that diet where you eat a lot of vegetables and drink lots of beer, I lost 10 pounds and my drivers licence.
What we all need to do is start eating healthy and stay out of fast food joints like McDonald's and KFC. I think personally KFC is a bit like sex, its great while your doing it but afterwards you feel a bit dirty and your hands are sticky. By the way, you ever notice that the people that are against abortion you wouldn't want to fuck anyway!!
I see girls come into the bar wearing tank tops, listen girls, if your built like a tank don't wear the top. Crispy Creme donuts are now coming out with a drinkable donut- good news for fat people that don't want to chew. I rest my case.
So please America get healthy, we can do it and always tip your bartender!!
I was actually in the local diner reading this article and I notice how greedy people can be. For instance, you get free coffee refills in most diners but as I sit here I notice how much people can really abuse this. Would you have seven cheese burgers if you got free refills- actually most Americans probably would, stop drinking all the coffee you greedy bastards. I was talking to this guy at the bar the other night. He told me that he was in England and Ireland recently and was disappointed that when he ordered a sandwich in a deli, that he only got two pieces of meat in a sandwich, whereas in America you get half a pig. I told him, in Ireland and England they make their sandwiches to fit their mouths.
I'm actually on a diet right now myself, its that diet where you eat a lot of vegetables and drink lots of beer, I lost 10 pounds and my drivers licence.
What we all need to do is start eating healthy and stay out of fast food joints like McDonald's and KFC. I think personally KFC is a bit like sex, its great while your doing it but afterwards you feel a bit dirty and your hands are sticky. By the way, you ever notice that the people that are against abortion you wouldn't want to fuck anyway!!
I see girls come into the bar wearing tank tops, listen girls, if your built like a tank don't wear the top. Crispy Creme donuts are now coming out with a drinkable donut- good news for fat people that don't want to chew. I rest my case.
So please America get healthy, we can do it and always tip your bartender!!
Friday, May 15, 2009
The Ninth Avenue Food Festival
So its that time of the year again, the ninth avenue food festival. Its the first and best street fair of the year. This happens every year on the third weekend in May or the weekend after mothers day. Starts at 37Th street and 9TH avenue and goes up 9TH avenue all the way to 57TH street. The bar I work in is close by so we normally start there and just saunter up the avenue. We have yet to make it all the way up as there are a few distractions along the way. We usually stop at Magganero's Italian deli on 37Th street, for some abuse- great sandwiches but own by the locals as the sandwich Nazi's. Then head up to Sea Breeze fish store on 40Th for some Calamari and Octopus. At the start of any good session or roll, it is vital that you get some grub in your stomach, so with that in mind, let the party begin. As said earlier we have yet to make it all the way to the end at 57Th street as there are just so many bars along the way, maybe this will be the year- ya right, who am I kidding.
Start at the Holland bar at 39Th street, one of the smallest bars in the city. A real New York City dive bar, ask for doctor bill the bartender, he will fix you up nicely. Dalton's on 43rd, large comfortable bar with lots of beers on tap, ask for Paul the owner, tell him I sent you. Rudy's on 44Th, just look for the pig outside. Another real NYC dive bar, probably the king of them, the beers are cheap, great jukebox, and they have a garden in the back. Well when I say a garden, its a NYC garden, all concrete, full of pigeons and no grass, unless you want to bring your own. Next is the Film Center Cafe bar also on 44Th. A little bit more classy then Rudy,s with good food. If you like wine then stop into Riposo Wine Bar on 46TH. Its a small, intimate place with great knowledgeable bartenders. Another of my favourites is Valhalla on 53Th. This place has over 30 beers on tap so something for everybody here. Then also on 53Th you have Bar Nine, a lounge style bar with live music, a great way to end the day.
So where ever you go on 9Th avenue you are sure to find something for everyone. Hope to see you out there.
Cheers, enjoy the day and please don't forget to tip your Bartenders.
Start at the Holland bar at 39Th street, one of the smallest bars in the city. A real New York City dive bar, ask for doctor bill the bartender, he will fix you up nicely. Dalton's on 43rd, large comfortable bar with lots of beers on tap, ask for Paul the owner, tell him I sent you. Rudy's on 44Th, just look for the pig outside. Another real NYC dive bar, probably the king of them, the beers are cheap, great jukebox, and they have a garden in the back. Well when I say a garden, its a NYC garden, all concrete, full of pigeons and no grass, unless you want to bring your own. Next is the Film Center Cafe bar also on 44Th. A little bit more classy then Rudy,s with good food. If you like wine then stop into Riposo Wine Bar on 46TH. Its a small, intimate place with great knowledgeable bartenders. Another of my favourites is Valhalla on 53Th. This place has over 30 beers on tap so something for everybody here. Then also on 53Th you have Bar Nine, a lounge style bar with live music, a great way to end the day.
So where ever you go on 9Th avenue you are sure to find something for everyone. Hope to see you out there.
Cheers, enjoy the day and please don't forget to tip your Bartenders.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Another Funny Bar Story
This Irish man walked into the bar a few weeks ago and ordered three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the bar, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
I said to him, "you know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time", the Irishman replies to me, "Well you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other in Dublin, and I'm here in New York. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we all drank together when we were all back in Dublin".
I said that, that was a nice custom, and I left it there. The Irish man has become a regular over the last few weeks and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints of Guinness and drinks the three pints by taking sips from each of them in turn.
Well last night he came in to the bar and orders two pints. All the regulars and myself notice and we all fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for a second round, I say to him, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I want to offer my condolences to you on your great loss".
He looks at me confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh no" he says to me, "Everyone is fine. Its me..." "... I've quit drinking !!!
You meet them all in the bar, and don't forget to tip your Bartender- Cheers!!
By the way: These two Irish guys walk out of a bar- its could happen.
I said to him, "you know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time", the Irishman replies to me, "Well you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other in Dublin, and I'm here in New York. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we all drank together when we were all back in Dublin".
I said that, that was a nice custom, and I left it there. The Irish man has become a regular over the last few weeks and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints of Guinness and drinks the three pints by taking sips from each of them in turn.
Well last night he came in to the bar and orders two pints. All the regulars and myself notice and we all fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for a second round, I say to him, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I want to offer my condolences to you on your great loss".
He looks at me confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh no" he says to me, "Everyone is fine. Its me..." "... I've quit drinking !!!
You meet them all in the bar, and don't forget to tip your Bartender- Cheers!!
By the way: These two Irish guys walk out of a bar- its could happen.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
That's Drunks For Ya!!!
This drunk man walks into the bar yesterday with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. I'm obviously not going to serve him. So I say to him, " can I help you sir?" "yessh! Ssssomebody sstole my carrr" the man replies. I ask, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?" " It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies. I'm thinking to myself, thank God your car is gone.
About that time I looks down and sees the man's dick hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
I ask the man "Are you aware you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out to me...... "Holy shit..... My girlfriend's gone, too!!!".
You can't make this shit up.
Have a great day everyone and please don't forget to tip your bartenders!!
About that time I looks down and sees the man's dick hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
I ask the man "Are you aware you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out to me...... "Holy shit..... My girlfriend's gone, too!!!".
You can't make this shit up.
Have a great day everyone and please don't forget to tip your bartenders!!
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Give me your money "mother fucker".
I guess you can tell by the headline "give me your money mother fucker", that it wasn't a fun and ordinary night in the Hells Kitchen bar last night, not even close, here it goes.
So its about 350am and the last few customers are leaving the bar. I'm behind the bar, in the middle of counting the money, making piles of fifty's out of the singles. I'm just about to walk out from behind the bar to lock the bar when this guy comes in the door. I always lock the door after the last person leaves, but for whatever reason this night I got lazy. Right away I have a bad feeling about this, I say were closed. He takes out a gun points it at my head and says (well you know at this stage what he said). I say OK no problem I will give you everything I have, no problem. A sense of calmness comes over me, don't know why. As I walk back to take the money out of the register I notice the top of two heads peaking over the back booth in the backroom restaurant area. Its then that I remember there are two detectives back there, there from the local precinct, they have been back there talking all night. So I do what this man says and I start emptying all the Money from the register onto the bar. I can see this man is on something, he's sweating, shaking and his eyes are all blood shot. At this point he says turn around, I'm not turning around I say. For some reason I remember what this detective once told me, God forbid you are ever held up, never turn around, they will just shot you in the back and think nothing of it. So he says again turn around, again I say, I gave you the money but I'm not turning around, please take it and leave. I'm thinking to myself, probably stupidly, your going to have to be a man and kill me, I'm not dying tonight. I then think, as I see in his blood shot eyes that he's not got the balls to do it, you fucking coward.
So he grabs the money and darts out the doors. At this point the two detectives that witnessed this whole thing run out after him. I subsequently follow after them after I lock the door. When I catch up to them they have the scumbag on the street handcuffed, waiting for the paddy wagon to show up. They ask me I'm I alright to which I say, not sure, think so. Finally it all hits me what just happened and I just slump to the ground in disbelief- holy shit, did that just happen.
After I change my underwear we all go over to the precinct and they arrest that mother fucker!!
On a personal note, God bless the NYPD because my job as a bartender on the west side of Manhattan is a lot better because of them. I remember not so long ago all that you would get on the corner here, where hookers and drug dealers, boy do I miss those days- just kidding. But seriously it is all down to the great work of the NYPD, so cheers guys.
Oh by the way, don't forget to tip your bartender.
So its about 350am and the last few customers are leaving the bar. I'm behind the bar, in the middle of counting the money, making piles of fifty's out of the singles. I'm just about to walk out from behind the bar to lock the bar when this guy comes in the door. I always lock the door after the last person leaves, but for whatever reason this night I got lazy. Right away I have a bad feeling about this, I say were closed. He takes out a gun points it at my head and says (well you know at this stage what he said). I say OK no problem I will give you everything I have, no problem. A sense of calmness comes over me, don't know why. As I walk back to take the money out of the register I notice the top of two heads peaking over the back booth in the backroom restaurant area. Its then that I remember there are two detectives back there, there from the local precinct, they have been back there talking all night. So I do what this man says and I start emptying all the Money from the register onto the bar. I can see this man is on something, he's sweating, shaking and his eyes are all blood shot. At this point he says turn around, I'm not turning around I say. For some reason I remember what this detective once told me, God forbid you are ever held up, never turn around, they will just shot you in the back and think nothing of it. So he says again turn around, again I say, I gave you the money but I'm not turning around, please take it and leave. I'm thinking to myself, probably stupidly, your going to have to be a man and kill me, I'm not dying tonight. I then think, as I see in his blood shot eyes that he's not got the balls to do it, you fucking coward.
So he grabs the money and darts out the doors. At this point the two detectives that witnessed this whole thing run out after him. I subsequently follow after them after I lock the door. When I catch up to them they have the scumbag on the street handcuffed, waiting for the paddy wagon to show up. They ask me I'm I alright to which I say, not sure, think so. Finally it all hits me what just happened and I just slump to the ground in disbelief- holy shit, did that just happen.
After I change my underwear we all go over to the precinct and they arrest that mother fucker!!
On a personal note, God bless the NYPD because my job as a bartender on the west side of Manhattan is a lot better because of them. I remember not so long ago all that you would get on the corner here, where hookers and drug dealers, boy do I miss those days- just kidding. But seriously it is all down to the great work of the NYPD, so cheers guys.
Oh by the way, don't forget to tip your bartender.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
O.J Simpson- what an Arsehole
O.J Simpson not happy getting away with murder now he wants to get away with burglary, but to be fair to him he said he was actually going there to kill someone. He actually stole his own stuff, that's like holding yourself up. What kind of dickhead gets arrested for stealing his own stuff. You know what O.J stands for "orange jumpsuit". Whats the difference between O.J and Adolf Hitler- Hitler left less clues. So the other day O.J Simpson was convicted and sentenced to do a minimum of nine years. Is he not the biggest dip shit in the world. He gets away with the crime of the century as we all know and he's still not happy. If that was me and probably the rest of the normal world I would not spit on the street or j-walk, I would be the greatest citizen on the face of this earth. Well maybe there is a God after all!!
Things not to say to a bartender when there busy- Would you recommend a nice fruity drink- Yes a bottle of bud, now fuck off !!!!
Hey tourists here's the deal on tipping.
We bartenders make our living on tips, it is customary to tip in America especially in New York, if you don't tip it is also customary to spit in your Margarita.
Here's the deal, we live on the tips give a few dollars a round of drinks, most New Yorkers give a dollar a drink. I know this is all new to you so give what you can, anything is appreciated and it is also customary to buy a customer a drink especially one who tips, usually every 4Th drink. I know this is a revolutionary idea to you Europeans right now as you are lucky to get a free bag of bacon fries from your local bar at home . Don't wait until the end of the night to tip show your appreciation right away and the appreciation will be shown to you. Have fun and enjoy New York City, especially the Scots, I know you are known to be cheap, ( remember copper wire was invented in Scotland- two Scotsman fighting over a penny). That's for my favorite Scotsman and friend Stevie Byrne.
I was in Glasgow recently to see Stevie and I stopped by his house and I noticed that he was taking the wall paper of the walls, I said to him are you decorating, no he said I'm moving. We went down to see the famous museum and statue of William Wallace in Stirling (remember brave heart, freedom and all that), so were in Stirling and this man comes up to me and says, do you know where the statue of Mel Gibson is, I won't say who said it, but to be fair to this American guy the statue did look a bit like him. There were also Scottish bagpipes playing they actually sounded great. While were on the subject of bagpipes, whats the difference between a bagpipe and an onion- nobody cries when you chop up a bagpipe. Stevie will be mad at me for that one.
So cheers everyone and please tip your bartender.
Things not to say to a bartender when there busy- Would you recommend a nice fruity drink- Yes a bottle of bud, now fuck off !!!!
Hey tourists here's the deal on tipping.
We bartenders make our living on tips, it is customary to tip in America especially in New York, if you don't tip it is also customary to spit in your Margarita.
Here's the deal, we live on the tips give a few dollars a round of drinks, most New Yorkers give a dollar a drink. I know this is all new to you so give what you can, anything is appreciated and it is also customary to buy a customer a drink especially one who tips, usually every 4Th drink. I know this is a revolutionary idea to you Europeans right now as you are lucky to get a free bag of bacon fries from your local bar at home . Don't wait until the end of the night to tip show your appreciation right away and the appreciation will be shown to you. Have fun and enjoy New York City, especially the Scots, I know you are known to be cheap, ( remember copper wire was invented in Scotland- two Scotsman fighting over a penny). That's for my favorite Scotsman and friend Stevie Byrne.
I was in Glasgow recently to see Stevie and I stopped by his house and I noticed that he was taking the wall paper of the walls, I said to him are you decorating, no he said I'm moving. We went down to see the famous museum and statue of William Wallace in Stirling (remember brave heart, freedom and all that), so were in Stirling and this man comes up to me and says, do you know where the statue of Mel Gibson is, I won't say who said it, but to be fair to this American guy the statue did look a bit like him. There were also Scottish bagpipes playing they actually sounded great. While were on the subject of bagpipes, whats the difference between a bagpipe and an onion- nobody cries when you chop up a bagpipe. Stevie will be mad at me for that one.
So cheers everyone and please tip your bartender.
Friday, November 21, 2008
New Chapter in America
There's a new chapter in America but unfortunately its chapter 11. I come into work these days and I see less people- well the after work crowd that is. I come into work at 6pm to start my night, well at least I'm supposed to be there at 6pm however that's a bit of a laugh. Customers actually bet on when I will arrive at work how many minutes after six I will show up. I hear some cheers and some groans, mostly groans when I walk in the door, people cursing me as I walk through the door for not showing up at their designated time.
Anyway don't get me wrong business is still pretty good in the bar, I'm not complaining. Bars will always be good during hard times, there recession proof as one customer put it today. People are getting laid off for sure, but some of them I have always wondered how they had a job in the first place, real fucking dip shits, where the others I'm genuinely sorry for and I wish them all the best.
You hear some funny things, some funny conversations while working behind the bar, so many to remember but here's one I remember from last night. This guy says to this girl, whats your zip code, she's like what, again he says, whats your zip code, everybody asks for the phone number I just want the zip code- he was funny, not sure if he ever did get the zip code.
Well as we all know times are hard right now but please, tip your bartender!!
Anyway don't get me wrong business is still pretty good in the bar, I'm not complaining. Bars will always be good during hard times, there recession proof as one customer put it today. People are getting laid off for sure, but some of them I have always wondered how they had a job in the first place, real fucking dip shits, where the others I'm genuinely sorry for and I wish them all the best.
You hear some funny things, some funny conversations while working behind the bar, so many to remember but here's one I remember from last night. This guy says to this girl, whats your zip code, she's like what, again he says, whats your zip code, everybody asks for the phone number I just want the zip code- he was funny, not sure if he ever did get the zip code.
Well as we all know times are hard right now but please, tip your bartender!!
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Its cold in the city tonight
Its so cold tonight in New York City that the hookers in Time Square were blowing on soup. I heard this same joke on the David Letterman TV show tonight- guess who's been reading my blog. Its so cold I seen one guy rubbing the Olsen twins together to start a fire.
On cold nights like these I always try to go and look for my homeless friend Richie. He lives on west 36Th street in the back of a parking lot behind two dumpster in a box. I usually bring him some food that is left over from our kitchen or a coat that has been in the lost and found too long. I microwaved it (the food that is) but by the time I get there its pretty cold but its food right. I get to 36Th street and I shout into the back of the lot for Richie, you around Richie, you there. He always comes out smiling he always has a good outlook on things, really put things into perspective. Richie comes into the bar from time to time usually late in the evening with a hand full of coins that he has collected throughout the night. He maybe has a couple of dimes and a few quarters and says, can I have ten dollars for this, usually at least five dollars short, smart little fucker, but I like this man. He tells me how he would rather be on the street, as he says, no worries or bills on the street, but on nights like these I don't think so. Lets hope Richie makes it, even if its just tonight.
As I always say don't forget to tip your bartender but on cold nights like these where the difference between life and death could be a few dollars to a homeless guy, please give them to Richie- Peace.
On cold nights like these I always try to go and look for my homeless friend Richie. He lives on west 36Th street in the back of a parking lot behind two dumpster in a box. I usually bring him some food that is left over from our kitchen or a coat that has been in the lost and found too long. I microwaved it (the food that is) but by the time I get there its pretty cold but its food right. I get to 36Th street and I shout into the back of the lot for Richie, you around Richie, you there. He always comes out smiling he always has a good outlook on things, really put things into perspective. Richie comes into the bar from time to time usually late in the evening with a hand full of coins that he has collected throughout the night. He maybe has a couple of dimes and a few quarters and says, can I have ten dollars for this, usually at least five dollars short, smart little fucker, but I like this man. He tells me how he would rather be on the street, as he says, no worries or bills on the street, but on nights like these I don't think so. Lets hope Richie makes it, even if its just tonight.
As I always say don't forget to tip your bartender but on cold nights like these where the difference between life and death could be a few dollars to a homeless guy, please give them to Richie- Peace.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Freud You!!
Pretty quiet night tonight, Veterans day, a lot of people off work. So these two people walk into the bar tonight, not a couple as they are a little bit awkward towards each other but are obviously friends. So I say hi what are you having, the guy says right away, I'll have a bud, the girl takes her time can't make up her mind, obviously first time in a bar!. Right away I know this person, pain in the arse, crying out for attention, wants the world to wait on her, however these people can be interesting and sometimes fun!
Eventually asks for a rum and coke- after all that. So about ten minutes pass and she says, do you know how to make a cosmopolitan, yes I say, and he orders another bud. Another ten, twenty minutes pass and then she says to me can you make me a Black Russian, you know how to make it. I say listen, you know love, this is not my first night, oh really she says. Remember she is curving attention.
So this is where the fun begins. She finishes the earlier cosmopolitan and while I'm in the middle of a conversation with another customer, she says, take my empty class away, do you know how to be a bartender. I look at her laugh and continue my conversation. You need to nip that in the butt right away or else they will walk all over you. Listen people I know my job detail, but I'm a human being behind this bar as well.
Then she says, whats wrong with you, where are you from, what month were you born, why do you hate yourself and so forth. I say, pretending to cry, maybe I just need a hug. Darling, I say- just to keep it fun, enough of the psycho babble bullshit, save it for someone that cares. You know what Freud said, "The Irish are imperious to psychoanalyses", let it go sweetheart. Don't you think I'm a beautiful woman, do you not want me, she says. Beauty comes in many forms I say and you are so ugly in the inside. So now she does a total 360 on me, now she tells me that she lives up the street and wants me to fuck her. Typical, girl that looks confident on the outside, mean and aggressive, goes through her whole life hating and being mean to people, when in reality she hates herself and is so insecure. I say to her, you have the sex appeal of a school bus fire, I wouldn't fuck you with his cock- pointing at her friend. Before you get upset with me people, trust me she had it coming and now maybe she will not be such a bitch to people in the future. Eventually her friend says to her, your being an asshole time to go home. Best of luck to you Darling your going to need it.
Remember were not just bartenders we are psychiatrists too, so don't forget to tip.
Eventually asks for a rum and coke- after all that. So about ten minutes pass and she says, do you know how to make a cosmopolitan, yes I say, and he orders another bud. Another ten, twenty minutes pass and then she says to me can you make me a Black Russian, you know how to make it. I say listen, you know love, this is not my first night, oh really she says. Remember she is curving attention.
So this is where the fun begins. She finishes the earlier cosmopolitan and while I'm in the middle of a conversation with another customer, she says, take my empty class away, do you know how to be a bartender. I look at her laugh and continue my conversation. You need to nip that in the butt right away or else they will walk all over you. Listen people I know my job detail, but I'm a human being behind this bar as well.
Then she says, whats wrong with you, where are you from, what month were you born, why do you hate yourself and so forth. I say, pretending to cry, maybe I just need a hug. Darling, I say- just to keep it fun, enough of the psycho babble bullshit, save it for someone that cares. You know what Freud said, "The Irish are imperious to psychoanalyses", let it go sweetheart. Don't you think I'm a beautiful woman, do you not want me, she says. Beauty comes in many forms I say and you are so ugly in the inside. So now she does a total 360 on me, now she tells me that she lives up the street and wants me to fuck her. Typical, girl that looks confident on the outside, mean and aggressive, goes through her whole life hating and being mean to people, when in reality she hates herself and is so insecure. I say to her, you have the sex appeal of a school bus fire, I wouldn't fuck you with his cock- pointing at her friend. Before you get upset with me people, trust me she had it coming and now maybe she will not be such a bitch to people in the future. Eventually her friend says to her, your being an asshole time to go home. Best of luck to you Darling your going to need it.
Remember were not just bartenders we are psychiatrists too, so don't forget to tip.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Full Moon Tonight
It was one of those nights that every bartender knows and feels before they happen. It started out when I came into work at 6pm to start my night. There is this drunk at the end of the bar and right away I'm pissed off that he is being served and still in the bar. It doesn't take much to piss of the start of the night for a night bartender, we are very fragile. So the day bartender says to me, don't serve that guy, he's fucked up, but it was OK for you to serve him, and why would you care, your out of here anyway- fucking prick. So I say, you served him you get rid of him. I didn't serve him he says, so I say, where did he get the Heineken. Listen, why don't you think before you talk, I'm sick of you serving obviously fucked up people and saying, you have a good night and running out the door, only for me to handle the shit you left behind. If your a night bartender you know what I'm talking about. Well I eventually get this fuck head out of the bar after he comes in a few more times not realizing that I just fucked him out before. Unfortunately my night goes from bad to worse.
A few hours go by and all of a sudden a major brawl starts. Its not one of those fights when nobody really wants to fight, a bunch of hand bags and pocket books thrown. These people really wanted to hurt each other. These fights happen at best once a year. What I have learnt over the years as a bartender is not to be a hero. I have loved one's to go home too. Fights usually break themselves up. Don't be a hero, they bury hero's. As the Marines and the Rangers say, we don't die for our country, we live for our country. If anybody knows me, I'm not the one to run from a fight but this shite is ridiculous. There are some nights in the bar when I'm like, fuck I would love a bit of action right now, a good beating, a bit of anarchy, get in close to somebody and really give it a go. Remember, I have an advantage I'm sober, well usually anyway. Listen if a fight lasts more than 10 seconds and your in it your in big trouble. So remember that when a fight starts and your working behind a bar, by the time you get around the bar the fight is usually over, but if the fight is still going on after you get around the bar, that's a fight you have no business getting in, and you certainly do not want to be in it.
So here's to the full moon tonight and a full tip jar, so please, don't forget to tip your bartenders!!
A few hours go by and all of a sudden a major brawl starts. Its not one of those fights when nobody really wants to fight, a bunch of hand bags and pocket books thrown. These people really wanted to hurt each other. These fights happen at best once a year. What I have learnt over the years as a bartender is not to be a hero. I have loved one's to go home too. Fights usually break themselves up. Don't be a hero, they bury hero's. As the Marines and the Rangers say, we don't die for our country, we live for our country. If anybody knows me, I'm not the one to run from a fight but this shite is ridiculous. There are some nights in the bar when I'm like, fuck I would love a bit of action right now, a good beating, a bit of anarchy, get in close to somebody and really give it a go. Remember, I have an advantage I'm sober, well usually anyway. Listen if a fight lasts more than 10 seconds and your in it your in big trouble. So remember that when a fight starts and your working behind a bar, by the time you get around the bar the fight is usually over, but if the fight is still going on after you get around the bar, that's a fight you have no business getting in, and you certainly do not want to be in it.
So here's to the full moon tonight and a full tip jar, so please, don't forget to tip your bartenders!!
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Drinking too much these days?
When your a bartender there's always a reason to drink, not to mention its right there all around you. These days I feel like there is always a reason to drink and I'm actually believing those reasons. Its Monday, its Friday, its going to be a late one tonight, the cops are in, the girls are in, my friends are in, it will take the edge off. This all catches up on you if your not careful and after a while the nights start getting longer and the days get shorter, all of a sudden its just a couple of comatose waking hours. There's always another place to go in New York City, particularly on the west side, Hells Kitchen area of Manhattan. Lets go to O'Flattery's on 46TH until 8am, then to Smith's on 44TH and 8TH avenue, or Rudy's on 44TH and 9TH all after hours bars, and then more after after hours bars until its normal hours so to speak. I know that's a lot of afters, fuck it give me a beer.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Halloween
Great night at the bar last night all the jowls and monsters were out for Halloween. This one guy was dressed like a clans man with a big white sheet over him and a pointy hat. I said to him where did you get the costume at the k.k.k Mart.
This bunch of gay lads came in the bar and I like the gays, they tip well and are nice, anyway they say it takes a village to rise a family, but not the village people, they were the gayest people I have ever seen, well the bar is close to Chelsea, the gay capitol of New York City.
There's nothing as funny as seeing a grown man walking down 10Th avenue at 6am the morning after Halloween dressed like a slut with high heels and fish net shocking on coming home by yourself, try to explain that one, it kinda reminded me of the old days.
Happy Halloween everyone and don't forget to tip your bartender, no candy please!!
This bunch of gay lads came in the bar and I like the gays, they tip well and are nice, anyway they say it takes a village to rise a family, but not the village people, they were the gayest people I have ever seen, well the bar is close to Chelsea, the gay capitol of New York City.
There's nothing as funny as seeing a grown man walking down 10Th avenue at 6am the morning after Halloween dressed like a slut with high heels and fish net shocking on coming home by yourself, try to explain that one, it kinda reminded me of the old days.
Happy Halloween everyone and don't forget to tip your bartender, no candy please!!
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