Monday, December 24, 2007

Michael Vick

Michael Vick, you know the NFL quarter back that was arrested for setting up a Dog fighting game in his luxurious home in Atlanta, and also cruelty to animals, was sentenced last week to almost two years in jail, actually 23 months. Its funny how things work out sometimes isn't it, as now he will be forced to do it "doggy style" by his cell mate in prison. Don't drop the soap Michael. Who said there was no justice in the world.

Here's one I heard at the bar, what do you think. Three men die on Christmas eve, and to get into heaven saint peter says " you must have something on you that represents Christmas. The Englishman flicks on his cigarette lighter and says its a candle, saint peter lets him pass, a welsh man pulls out a set of keys and jingles them and says they are bells, saint peter lets him pass, and then an Irish man pulls out a g-string and saint peter says how the fuck do they represent Christmas!! the Irish man says they're Carols!!
Cheers everyone, tip your bartender!!

Friday, December 21, 2007

Larry Laprise Dies At Age 93

With all the sadness and trauma going on around the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry Larise, the man that wrote the classic song "hokey pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. It was a very popular song at my bar, anyway the most traumatic part for his family was getting him in the coffin. They put his left leg in, and then the trouble started!!!!!!

That reminds me of a good bar joke, as you know a good bartender must always be ready to tell a joke, my mother used to say to me when I was younger, never let the truth get in the way of a good story, so this ones for you mum.

There's this funeral parade going up this steep hill in Harlem, when all of a sudden the coffin slides out the back of the hurst and starts speeding down the hill with everyone chasing after it. It starts moving faster and faster and nobody can catch it until it flies past the Apollo theater on 125Th street and across the street into a pharmacy (chemist) and stops right at the counter just as the body pops right up out of the coffin. The pharmacist says can I help you, and the person says, can you give me something to stop my coughing

Cheers everyone and don't forget to tip your bartender

Thursday, December 20, 2007

The Holidays

The holiday season is warming up unlike the weather and all the drunks are starting to come out. You know people going to holiday work parties and drinking more than they should. For the most part the holiday season is fun and profitable, lots of tips, but what also comes with that is the potential for more drunken pricks. As the crowds grow so does the chance for trouble so we all have to be on our toes, so lets hope its a trouble free Christmas season. What sometimes happens is, people that normally drink a beer decide because its a free bar and the boss is picking up the check to drink double brandy's. So if you normally drink a beer do us all a favor and drink a beer and not a double brandy you greedy fuck, you will thank me later.

I bought my girlfriend two things for Christmas this year, a pair of slippers and a vibrator. She said to me why did you buy me two gifts, I said well if you don't like the slippers you can go fuck yourself. I bought her a chair for Christmas last year but she want plug it in!!!!

Why can't you say Merry Christmas anymore, I said to a customer at the bar, Merry Christmas, and he said its actually Happy Holidays, when did this happen, I must have missed it. When is this political correctness shite going to stop, its Merry Fuckin Christmas Right!!

Are they going to change all the Christmas songs, like the classic Bing Crosby Christmas song, I wish you a Merry Christmas, or the Bruce Springsteen song, Merry Christmas Baby, too, I wish you a Happy Holiday, and Happy Holidays Baby, whats next?

So Merry Christmas everyone, now go out and have a Christmas drink and be extra generous to your bartender, because its Christmas!!!

Tuesday, December 18, 2007


I love Christmas, I think there's no place like New York City particularly at Christmas, the city is one bright light, the stores are all decked out and there's music and carol singers everywhere, the Rockefeller Christmas tree and skating at the Wollman ice rink at Central Park - Ohh Christmas.

I remember growing up watching Christmas movies like Miracle on 34Th street, home alone and a Christmas story, thinking one day I want to live there and here I am, I know it all sounds lame but I don't care. By the way, do you know how to make a snow angel- You kill a snow man.

I remember saying to my mother one Christmas, don't buy me the bicycle I wanted for Christmas as I found one in the back of the closet. Another time I said to my dad that I had my eye on a bicycle for Christmas, he said keep your eye on it because you will never get your arse on it, and you wonder why I turned out the way I did!!!

This lady came up to me at the bar last night and asked me if I would kiss her under the mistletoe, I said I wouldn't kiss you under an anesthetic, sometimes people you just have to be honest.

Cheers everybody here's to a great Christmas season now get out and buy some gifts and have some eggnog- but don't ask me for eggnog.