Friday, January 18, 2008

Why Did You Call Me A CUNT

This girl comes in late last night and right of the bat I know this girl is trouble. She starts shouting orders at me, no please or thank you in site. She spills her drink all over the bar and demands me to clean it up right away. Then she demands I make her a new drink no charge, again no please or thank you anywhere. I say I did not spill your drink so if you want another one you will have to pay for it. She starts screaming obsenities at me, so I say, listen cunt get the fuck out of my bar. World war three starts there and then, she starts screaming, fuck you, why did you call me a cunt, I have three degrees and make ten times what you make, fuck you. I say, you might be right but your still a cunt, get the fuck out. Again she starts screaming grabing people at the bar, why did you call me a cunt, why did you call me a cunt. Listen, people think that the word cunt is a bad word. Well its not, its just a word, women in particular you need to get over the word cunt and any other "so called" bad words.  It was America who ruined the word cunt. They think it is some kind of derogatory term for a vagina, or someone who had a vagina, but it has never been that in Ireland where I hail from.  In Ireland and most of the world the word cunt is happy and cheery, like fuckin brilliant and shite. You know the work cunt comes from the latin word cuinty, meaning barron place. So let it go everyone. And where I come from the word cunt is used so much, that in many ways it is used to complement someone, for example, she's a funny cunt, I like that cunt, he's a cool cunt. So again let it go, only then will it become just four letters. Go rent a Lenny Bruce dvd, he was the master of comedy!!

Cheers cunts, tip your bartender!!!

Thursday, January 3, 2008

The Homeless

I was on the subway the other day with a big bag of change on my way to the coin star machine at Commerce bank on 42ND and 9Th avenue when I realized it was not a good idea. Whats the last thing you want to see on the way to cash in change at the local bank?. That's right homeless people, because of the cold weather right now all the homeless people are in the subways trying to keep warm. Everywhere I went I heard the same thing, any spare change, and me with a big bag of change. By the time I got to the bank I had no spare change, God bless the homeless.

Quick story, Abdul and Paddy are beggars outside Port Authority Bus Station on 42ND street. Abdul has a Mercedes car, a large house in the suburbs and loads of money. Paddy has fuck all. Abdul's begging hat is always overflowing with money, Paddy's has a few coins in it. "How do you do it", asked Paddy. "Look at your sign", says Abdul. Paddy reads his sign. "Out of work and wife and six kids need support". Then he reads Abdul's. "I only need another $10 to get back to Afghanistan".

Actually I only date homeless people these days, because when the date is over you can drop them off anywhere.

A homeless man asked me, can I have $300 for a cup of coffee, I told him, coffees a dollar, he said, yeah, but I want to drink it in Brazil.

Another one came up to me saying, I haven't eaten in two days, I said, you should really force yourself. That was for the other smart fucker.

The homeless can be very funny and imaginative and when they are you got to give it up I think. There's this one homeless guy, Richie, that comes into the bar late at night, that I would hope is a friend, helps me out if I need anything. He usually hangs out around the entrance to the Lincoln Tunnel with a big sign saying, lets do lunch, you pay. Pretty funny right.

Good luck and stay warm, and tip the homeless if you can, especially Richie!!!!

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Have you seen my gun!!

That something a bartender never wants to hear, have you seen my gun. I suppose nobody wants to hear that. Well that's the question I got last night New Years Eve.

So its about 2am the morning after New Years Eve, the bar is jammed, everyone is having a great time, all is running smoothly, not one arsehole in the crowd and that's amazing for this night. The cops start showing up after the Time Square festivities, all is good. Its five deep at the bar but thank God everyone is pretty much served, all beers and Whiskey shots. No dickheads ordering Alabama Slammers, Martini's or Lemon drops.

Then I get the question, have you seen my gun. What I say, hoping I'm not understanding the question, have you seen my gun he repeats, No I say.  As I finally look up to see who is asking me this question it makes total sense now.  Its my good friend, let call him Mickey the cop.  Now I know he is telling the truth as its not the first time we have had "issues" with his gun.  I have put a few holes in the ceiling of the bar over the years with his gun, fired his gun out the window of his unmarked police car, (pissing off the highway cops), while on our way to an after hours bar, with a case of beer, bottle of whiskey between my knees and two hookers in the back.  Thats a whole other story.  Well I suppose we better look for it, right, I say to Mickey. So I get the torch out, don't announce to the bar what we are looking for, for obvious reasons and as secretly as we can, we begin the search for the elusive gun. I'm shining the light between the many legs, underneath table and chairs, all we find is pieces of glass, some dirty napskins, empty bottles and a couple of indescribable items, the usual stuff. I would not be surprised if I find a few guns, handcuffs and nightsticks in this bar, well not tonight, no luck so far. Most people are too drunk to notice what we are doing. So far, nothing at the bar or restaurant area, last chance the bathrooms, again no sign. So I go into the last stall to go to the toilet and low and behold what do I find. Its a gun, a silver shinny nine gage Smith and Weston, right in the middle of the bowl- working in this bar you become very knowledgeable of the many types of guns. Well I hope it is a gun or somebody has some serious problems. So I flag down the owner of the turd gun and I come up with the idea of putting it in the safe until the morning. He's like, sounds good if not just bring it home, I'll see you later, give us a beer will ya, thanks.

Well Happy New Year everyone, and don't forget your guns and to tip your bartender.