Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Old People

We get a lot of older people in the bar from time to time. I love talking to older people and spending time with them. We are all getting older that's for sure, even me!!! We had the monthly chess meeting in the bar tonight in the back room. They are all older people and pretty dull to be honest with you. They have dinner in the back room and then talk and play chess, whoo hoo, how exciting. It takes them two hours to pass the salt.

You know when your getting old when you fall and nobody laughs. These people are so old that they remember when Elvis was alive the first time. You know your getting old when your toes out number your teeth, (that could be a southern red neck joke too) . This guy from the chess club said he went to give blood and they told him his blood type was discontinued. This guy said he remembered when casual sex meant no tie on, when safe sex was having the handbrake on in the car. His birth certificate was carved in stone.

Anyway, so I'm on my way home tonight in a taxi as it was raining, I only live a few blocks away and the taxi crashes into the back of another taxi. Well this little midget comes walking out of the taxi we just ran into, and my taxi drivers says to the little dwarf, which one are you, he says "well I'm not happy".

Talking about midgets and dwarfs, did you hear about the gay midget? he came out of the cupboard.

Cheers for now and remember to tip your bartender!!

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Please Don't throw Bar Stools At Bartenders

Don't throw bar stools at bartenders? So last night these two guys and one girl walk into the bar at 330am and I can see by them they are pretty fucked up. Now I don't want somebody Else's headache, so what I usually say is, sorry guys I can't serve you, you've had too much but come back tomorrow and I will buy you a beer. This is when these drunk fucks usually say to themselves, a free drink tomorrow sounds good and they leave-like I'm ever or they will ever remember about the free drink tomorrow.
So anyway this scumbag picks up a bar stool and throws it right at me. I suppose he thought I said chairs instead of cheers!!
So I duck and miraculously the stool misses me and lands behind me and nothing breaks. Now I'm pissed off and I start to run around the bar to get to him. He runs out the doors like a fucking coward that he is, and I catch up to him about 10 feet outside the door, again he swings at me, I duck again for the second time and I put him to the ground. Lets just say he will not be coming around here again. Its funny how the loudest person in the bar is usually the weakest. On a personal note, thanks to all my friends at the bar that had my back and were and are always there for me.
Cheers to all my friends and family and don't forget to tip your bartender!!!

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Happy St. Patrick's Day

Well happy St. Patrick's day everyone, here's to the wearing of the green, kiss me I'm Irish and all that shite. I actually enjoy St. Pats day, it's a crazy day but where I work I usually work by myself but on this day everybody works, all hands on deck, so in a way I can enjoy the holiday more. The music is loud and the green beer is flowing. What's the difference between an onion and a bagpipe? nobody cries when you chop up a bagpipe. Irish handcuffs, a beer in each hand.

On a sad note two Irish guys last night drowned in the Hudson River, they said they were trying to do the Riverdance!!

People this year can you please stop asking me do I know Pat Murphy from Dublin, I know I'm from Ireland but there are over six million in Ireland and most of them live in Dublin. Please don't say you would love to go to Ireland, its not like its the moon, its six hours away on a plane. Go to JFK Airport book a flight and go shithead, you will be there in no time. By the time this ridiculously boring conversation, that I'm having with you is over you will already be there. Its harder to go to the upper east side.

Happy St. Patrick's Day everyone, and please don't forget to tip your bartender!!!!

Saturday, March 15, 2008


As we all know you can't smoke in bars in New York City anymore, I personally think its a good Idea, but I can understand how you smokers might be pissed off.

Anyway, these two old lady's were smoking outside the bar one night and it started to rain and one lady pulled out a condom out of her pocket, cut the end of it off and rolled it over the cigarette, kinda like a cigarette rain coat, the lady beside her was amazed with this new invention.
She says to the other lady, how can I get one of those things. The other lady says, just go down to the local drug store and ask them for a packet of condoms. So the lady goes into the pharmacist at the drug store the next day and says, can I have a condom please. The pharmacist says, what kind and size do you want. The lady looking a little puzzled says, I'm not that sure really, once it fits over a Camel !!!!!!

By the way, how many condoms can you get out of a rubber tire, 365 if its a Goodyear !!

Cheers for now and remember to tip your bartender.

Sunday, March 9, 2008


As a bartender girls are everywhere, as I said in a earlier blog, bartending, its the most fun you can have with your pants on, sometimes off. Anyway I was home the other night with my girlfriend after a long hard night behind the bar. I went to bed and fell asleep right away. The next day my girlfriends starts complaining about my stamina and sexual drive in the sack. So I try to tell her that I was tired and that's all it was, nothing more nothing less. Well now I'm getting a bit paranoid so I ask this older man at the bar for some Viagra. The next night I take six Viagra and wash them down with five Red Bull's when I'm leaving the bar- anyway the funeral is next week!!!

Talking about Viagra, I was driving upstate New York a while ago and I get to one of those tolls, well I'm looking around for some change and I can't find any change anywhere, I reach into my pocket and I find a Viagra pill, I throw it into the change area, and the toll arm goes straight up. Well the next day I'm heading back to Manhattan and I'm going by the same toll and I notice the toll arm is still up!! That shit really works.

Another time I took one and it got stuck in my throat, I had a stiff neck for a week. To be honest I have never taken a Viagra, but the commercial really cracks me up. You know the commercial that says "if you have a hard on that lasts more than six hours please call your doctor. Listen people, if I have a hard on that lasts more than six hours I'm calling every girl I have ever known!!

While I"m "expressing" myself, did you ever see how many onion rings you can fit on your penis, you better let them cool off first but, I made that mistake.

I've been using anti wrinkle cream to look younger but they don't work, my balls still look all wrinkly and old looking.

Well I think that's enough "expressing" myself for now, good luck and cheers for now and remember to tip your bartender!!

Sunday, March 2, 2008

New York Bartender

Vanna White you know from the television game show wheel of fortune came into the bar the other night, she is a very beautiful, and nice lady, but don't ask her about her show whatever you do. I suppose she must get sick of the same stupid questions, god knows I do. Anyway I asked her what her favorite letters were and she said, F and U or FU. How about that?

As you all know I'm a Bartender in Midtown, Manhattan, why do people tell me things that they think I might be remotely interested in. They tell me the most painful load of crap, how dare they think I could be interested in this shite. You know I can't get that ten minutes of my life back. Hey mister, I don't give a fuck about your kids piano lessons. We all love a good story but most of it is a load of crap, tell it to someone who cares, here's a quarter call someone who cares. I'm like a doctor , I should charge these fuckers by the minute. I was in the bathroom at the urinal and this drunk man comes in and started talking to me and then puts his hand around me. My rule in the toilet is simple, don't touch me when I'm touching me, that's simple right.
One night I was working, it's a slow night and I notice this guy walks into the bathroom and after about half and hour I notice he hasn't came out yet. So I walk in to the bathroom and he's just standing there, I say to him what are you doing, he says, I'm waiting for an employee to wash my hands, as he points to the sign on the wall "employees must wash hands". Do I have to say anything else? I don't think so

Thanks and cheers everyone and please tip your bartender!!