Wednesday, July 30, 2008

My Friend Arthur

My good old Jewish friend Arthur comes into the bar tonight all happy and smiling. Right there I know somethings wrong. I ask him why you so happy. He tells me he just won the new york state lottery, ten million dollars to be exact- drinks for everybody. Well, after the bar slows down I ask him, so Arthur whats next, what are you going to do with your winning. Now let me tell you about Art, he's a tough fucker, eighty nine years old, survived the holocaust, he's seen and been through it all. So anyway he says, first I'm going to donate half of the winnings, that's five million dollars to the Nazi party. I'm like what, are you losing your mind. No he says I'm going to donate half the winning five million to the Nazi party. I say, why would you do that after what they did to you and your people. Well its like this, he says, they gave me the numbers!!!
So there is a God after all.

So good luck to you Arthur and to you all, and please don't forget to tip your bartender!!

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

George Michael In The Garden Tonight

Busy night in the bar tonight, busier than a usual Monday night. George Michael was in Madison Square Garden tonight, that is probably why we were busier than normal, apparently still a lot of Wham and George Michael fans around. What's white and slides down the bathroom wall? George Michael's latest release- Just kidding George.

Talking about celebrities, David Hasselhoff was in the bar tonight. You remember him from Bay Watch or what we liked to call it Wank Watch. Maybe he's a George Michael fan, or maybe is was meeting him in the toilet, who knows. Anyway he comes up to the bar and I say, hello David Hasselhoff what can I get you, he says please call me "Hoff". Sure no problem "Hoff". Whatever weirdo. So by the end of the night everybody in the bar is calling him "Hoff". "Hoff" this and "Hoff" that. I was actually getting a bit sick of this so when he comes up to the bar I say to him, so why do you want to be called "Hoff", what with all this "Hoff" bullshit. He says listen I don't want any Hassel !!!

See you all later and please tip your bartender!!!

Thursday, July 10, 2008

I Swear You Can't Make This Shit Up.

I was telling these people in the bar one day how in Ireland the fish particularly the salmon are jumping out of the water. There is actually one place in County Kerry where if you lean over this bridge as the salmon are coming up the river, you can actually grab them out of the air, as they jump out of the water. So these two Polish guys overhear my conversation and they tell me they are actually stopping off in Ireland on there way to Poland next week, and they will go and try to catch some Salmon. I tell them exactly where this place is in Kerry. They leave and tell me they will be back in the bar in a few weeks and will tell me what happened.
So sure enough a few weeks go by and these two Polish guys come back into the bar. Here's their story, its priceless.
So we get to County Kerry in Ireland and we locate the bridge where the salmon are supposed to be. So I lean over the bridge while from friend holds my feet so I can get down low. So after about an hour my friend starts screaming and shouting, "Pull me up, pull me up", so I say to him, "Did you get a Salmon", "No " he says, " There's a train coming".
I swear you can't make this shit up.

People say to me all the time, "Oh with that accent you must get laid all the time", by the way you might have a point but I was not exactly a virgin when I came to New York. So in a way its not a compliment, what their actually saying is, if you didn't have an accent you wouldn't get laid you ugly fucker. Thanks people.
By the way I had a pop tart today, my doctor told me I have to eat more fruit- feeling Great.
Cheers for now and don't forget to tip your Bartender!!!

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

The New York Yankee's

Three baseball fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road, they stopped and discovered a nude female dead drunk. Out of respect and propriety, the Yankee's fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The cubs fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast.
Following their lead, but with some grumbling, the red sox fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.
The police were called and when the oficer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted the Yankee's cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes, next he lifted the cubs cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. The officer then lifted the red sox cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.
The red sox fan was getting upset and finally asked, what are you some kind of a pervert?, Why do you keep lifting and looking?, Well said the officer, I am simply surprised, normally when I look under a red sox cap, I find an arsehole !!!!

Went to the New York Yankee's baseball game today, D train right to Yankee stadium. I got talking to this man seating beside me today and beside him was an empty seat so I said to him its unusual to see an empty seat at a Yankee's game he said that he bought it for his wife but she died. I said to him that I was very sorry but could you not have given it to one of your friends or family members, he said their actually a very strange bunch, their all at the funeral. Talk about a die hard Yankee fan!!!

This reminds me I was at a funeral with my friend last month and they waked the person at his home, so we met up at a local bar before we were to go to the house. Well we drank maybe a bit to much, you know what funerals are like, anyway we arrive at the home a little late we go into the home and because we were so drunk that instead of knelling down at the coffin to pay our respects we knelled down at the piano. So I say, dead that he is, he sure had a great set of teeth and my friend says yes he did but he had a bad one here and there. We left and went right back to the bar.

I went with my girlfriend to the game today, I kissed her between the strikes and she kissed me between the balls.

The Edge the lead guitar player for the band u2 today donated his 1975 Gibson guitar to the New Orleans hurricane disaster fund, he said he wanted to give away something that he would miss, how about your house the people of New Orleans said.
That reminds me, Bono was doing a concert in his home town of Dublin recently and started clapping his hands and saying to the crowd, every time I clap my hands a person in Africa dies. Somebody shouted up from the crowd, well Bono, stop clapping your fucking hands then.
He also recently fell off the stage in Croke Park in Dublin, he fell over the Edge!!!!
Cheers for now, and remember to tip your bartender!!