The Bar Loser

Working in a popular bar, you always have a "Bar Loser". If you don't know what I'm talking about, you are that loser. You know the person that always makes excuses about everything. The person that can never pay his tab in full, ever. He's always saying, here's twenty dollars take that off my tab. Like Norm from Cheers. He always has a sure thing at the bookies. Comes in to the bar with the horse racing part of the paper under his arm and the bookies pencil behind his ear. In my bar lets call him Joe, this guy is such a loser that when he goes to the track the teller gives him his ticket already torn up. However, for some strange reason, God takes care of drunks and fools, so were all going to be just fine.

Can I have a greyhound, what are you too fuckin cool to ask for a vodka and grapefruit- dickhead. I always charge these fucking snobs more. I hate when people come into the bar, I look at them, say hi, what can I get you, and they look at me like I'm speaking Chinese. People what do you think I just asked you, you came in to a bar, I'm the bartender behind the bar and I say something, I wonder what I could be possibly saying. Tell me what you want so I can move on and get another drink for someone else nob head; thanks a lot.

Some people must think the bar is in a lighthouse, I got a call the other night and the person said to me, "is the coast clear"!! that's weird right. Other people must think I sell drugs because the other night I got a call and the person on the phone said to me, "Is that dope gone yet". You must be really drunk when you get pulled over by the coast guards.

This Afghanistan man came in to the bar and asked me if I could recommend a good port, I said, Yup, Newark, New Jersey- piss off!! Its only a joke.

Cheers for now, tip your bartender

The Homeless

I was on the subway the other day with a big bag of change on my way to the coin star machine at Commerce bank on 42ND and 9Th avenue when I realized it was not a good idea. Whats the last thing you want to see on the way to cash in change at the local bank?. That's right homeless people, because of the cold weather right now all the homeless people are in the subways trying to keep warm. Everywhere I went I heard the same thing, any spare change, and me with a big bag of change. By the time I got to the bank I had no spare change, God bless the homeless.

Quick story, Abdul and Paddy are beggars outside Port Authority Bus Station on 42ND street. Abdul has a Mercedes car, a large house in the suburbs and loads of money. Paddy has fuck all. Abdul's begging hat is always overflowing with money, Paddy's has a few coins in it. "How do you do it", asked Paddy. "Look at your sign", says Abdul. Paddy reads his sign. "Out of work and wife and six kids need support". Then he reads Abdul's. "I only need another $10 to get back to Afghanistan".

Actually I only date homeless people these days, because when the date is over you can drop them off anywhere.

A homeless man asked me, can I have $300 for a cup of coffee, I told him, coffees a dollar, he said, yeah, but I want to drink it in Brazil.

Another one came up to me saying, I haven't eaten in two days, I said, you should really force yourself. That was for the other smart fucker.

The homeless can be very funny and imaginative and when they are you got to give it up I think. There's this one homeless guy, Richie, that comes into the bar late at night, that I would hope is a friend, helps me out if I need anything. He usually hangs out around the entrance to the Lincoln Tunnel with a big sign saying, lets do lunch, you pay. Pretty funny right.

Good luck and stay warm, and tip the homeless if you can, especially Richie!!!!

Cocaine

There's this guy that comes into the bar once in a while maybe once a week. He's well over 300 pound, for you Europeans around 22 stone, either way he's a fat fucker, more chins than a Chinese phone book, wherever he is sitting he's sitting beside you. He had a threesome last night and he was all by himself. Well he has a big coke problem its pretty clear to see, how can you be fat and have a coke problem, what is he snorting sugar. I heard that he did so much cocaine that he got a personal hand written thank you letter from Pablo Escobar. I have to admit I tried it once but I got the bottle stuck up my nose!!!! By the way, any rectal drugs, that would be handy, you could hide them and take them at the same time- just a taught

Did you know that Osama Bin Laden at one time wanted to poison all the cocaine and heroin that came from Afghanistan to American,(as almost all the worlds heroin comes from their). So let me see, Bin Laden wanted to kill all the coke and heroin addicts in America, oh how would we ever get over that, killing all the drug addicts in America, how would we ever get over the loss of all them wonderful stand up people.