Las Vegas

Had a great week behind the bar, made lots of tips, so I decided to go to Las Vegas. There's no better place to go with a pocket full of cash than Vegas- Right.  So me and the girlfriend arrive in Vegas about 7pm on Saturday night- ready to party.  I just left Manhattan, NYC- party central; but really we are amateurs compared to Vegas. They put on one hell of a show- at least for three days anyway. Anybody that has been to Las Vegas understands.  Kinda like- Amsterdam.

What a sight to see, the Vegas strip- but it kinda reminds me of New York City. The Taxi drivers from Brooklyn and the first thing he says is, "you know, (In a big brooklyn accent) forgettaboutit, Vegas is running out of water, so they are going to recycle the toilet water". Now I have two problems with that, I say, "number one; and number two"?

Vegas is all smoke and mirrors, the devil's delight, a middle finger to God with all his trees, rocks and little bunny rabbits, all that Disney shite. But you know what, its fantastic, for three days anyway, as I said before. 

Well we find ourselves in the New York, New York Hotel, even though we have just left New York, New York. Walking through the Greenwich Village part of the Hotel, not missing the pigeons and the homosexuals, just kidding Steve.

We have a great time at the MGM Grand Hotel pool in the day time and lose all our money at night time.
We actually met Howie Mandel, you know from the TV show, Deal or No Deal.  I told him that they are actually doing the same show in Africa called, Meal or No Meal, he laughed and walked away.

Speaking of Africa, did you hear that Bono is pleading with the Africans to help the starving Irish!!

I love the slogan they have for Las Vegas, we all know it, "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas".  I say, what happens in Vegas you should tell the whole fuckin world, tell everyone because its a mad, brilliant place. But, what happens in the back woods of a West Virginia farm house, or a wee shed in Connemara, Galway, Ireland- now that should stay there.

The MGM Grand Hotel actually has a swim up poker table.  That's one of the many things that makes Vegas "awesome".  So that means you don't have to leave the game to go to the bathroom.  Remember, the Vegas slogan, "What happens in a Vegas pool: stays in a Vegas pool".

Cheers for now and please tip your bartender, especially this broke arse one, remember, I just got back from Vegas- thanks

Funny Bar Story

My two friends Tony and Steve are telling me this story at the bar one day.

Two buddies of mine, Tony and Steve, are getting very drunk at the bar when suddenly Steve throws up all over himself. "oh no, now my wife Jane will kill me" he says. Tony says, "Don't worry pal, just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket, tell Jane that someone threw up on you and he gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill".
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually Steve rolls into home and his wife Jane starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself, my God, you're disgusting".
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, Steve says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin! itsh snot wha jew think, I only had a cupla drrrinks, but thiss other guy got ssick on me... he had one too many and he juss couldin hold hizz liguor, he said he was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie dollars for the cleaning bill!".
Jane looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty dollars". "Oh, yeah.... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too".

Pope Benedict- Holy Shit!!

Pope Benedict is believed to have gotten the bird flu, they think he might have got it from one of the Cardinals. Now we have the swine flu but there is something even more serious than that- the turtle flu. Its coming slowly but its coming, just wait and see.

There was this priest in the bar last night, local priest, bit of a prick to be honest. I recently went into see him as I am the godfather of my friends baby and I was introducing myself for the upcoming christening. Well to make a long story painful, he made me feel about as welcome as a fart in a spaceman's suit. Did you know that you now have to register to go to mass. Its turning into the department of motor vehicles. Well, this is what this messenger of God said to me- who knew, I wonder will it involve a donation? At the risk of over sharing- did you know that black people invented the dept. of motor vehicles.  It was to get white people back for slavery. Fair enough!!

So anyway he comes into the bar last night and asks me for a glass of wine, so I give him a glass of water and told him to make it himself. Now before you get upset with me he did make me feel earlier about as welcome as a black man at a k.k.k meeting. So were really busy and there are no tables available for dinner so he's getting a bit annoyed at the wait. I say to him, you will get the next table. Well every 2 minutes he keeps asking me, is the table ready, is the table ready, like a kid asking his parents if there, there yet. So I say to him, if you like you can register for a table, with that he storms out all pissed off. I thought one of the things you need as a priest is patience and a sense of humor, unfortunately he had neither.

The catholic church are cock tickling their way into bankruptcy. You can't really blame the priests because a lot of them started out as altar boys and got sucked into it.

Religion is all about recognition. The Jews don't recognise the Palestinians as the settlers of Jerusalem. The Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christians, and the Mormons cult, don't recognize each other in hooters.  By the way, don't fuck with the Jews, they cut the tops off their own penises, imagine what they will do to yours!!!

That reminds me, these two priests were having dinner together at the bar the other night and I didn't know whether to send them over a bottle of wine or a cub scout!! I think I'm going to hell for that one.
While I'm going to hell- a priest, a rapist and a pedofile walk into the bar- that was just the first guy!!

Remember tip your bartender!!

The Bar Loser

Working in a popular bar, you always have a "Bar Loser". If you don't know what I'm talking about, you are that loser. You know the person that always makes excuses about everything. The person that can never pay his tab in full, ever. He's always saying, here's twenty dollars take that off my tab. Like Norm from Cheers. He always has a sure thing at the bookies. Comes in to the bar with the horse racing part of the paper under his arm and the bookies pencil behind his ear. In my bar lets call him Joe, this guy is such a loser that when he goes to the track the teller gives him his ticket already torn up. However, for some strange reason, God takes care of drunks and fools, so were all going to be just fine.

Can I have a greyhound, what are you too fuckin cool to ask for a vodka and grapefruit- dickhead. I always charge these fucking snobs more. I hate when people come into the bar, I look at them, say hi, what can I get you, and they look at me like I'm speaking Chinese. People what do you think I just asked you, you came in to a bar, I'm the bartender behind the bar and I say something, I wonder what I could be possibly saying. Tell me what you want so I can move on and get another drink for someone else nob head; thanks a lot.

Some people must think the bar is in a lighthouse, I got a call the other night and the person said to me, "is the coast clear"!! that's weird right. Other people must think I sell drugs because the other night I got a call and the person on the phone said to me, "Is that dope gone yet". You must be really drunk when you get pulled over by the coast guards.

This Afghanistan man came in to the bar and asked me if I could recommend a good port, I said, Yup, Newark, New Jersey- piss off!! Its only a joke.

Cheers for now, tip your bartender