Showing posts with label New York City. Show all posts
Showing posts with label New York City. Show all posts

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Is America Over Weight?

I was reading the Sunday New York Times today and there was an article saying "Obesity is at epidemic levels in America". So what they are saying is laziness is at epidemic levels in America. They say obesity is a disease, no its not, leprosy is a disease, diabetes is a disease, obesity is not a disease. They say its a glandular thing, no its a greed thing. They say, no their just big boned, yes that's right, big bones covered in meat and gravy. Stop eating fast food and walk once in a while, you lazy fuckers. I live in New York City where we all walk a lot. Get off your arse America.


God Bless You Chris- Miss Ya!!

I was actually in the local diner reading this article and I notice how greedy people can be. For instance, you get free coffee refills in most diners but as I sit here I notice how much people can really abuse this. Would you have seven cheese burgers if you got free refills- actually most Americans probably would, stop drinking all the coffee you greedy bastards. I was talking to this guy at the bar the other night. He told me that he was in England and Ireland recently and was disappointed that when he ordered a sandwich in a deli, that he only got two pieces of meat in a sandwich, whereas in America you get half a pig. I told him, in Ireland and England they make their sandwiches to fit their mouths.
I'm actually on a diet right now myself, its that diet where you eat a lot of vegetables and drink lots of beer, I lost 10 pounds and my drivers license.

In a recent research, experts say, personality can trigger weight gain- especially when you have the personality of a fat fucker!

What we all need to do is start eating healthy and stay out of fast food joints like McDonald's and KFC. I think personally KFC is a bit like sex, its great while your doing it but afterwards you feel a bit dirty and your hands are sticky. By the way, you ever notice that the people that are against abortion you wouldn't want to fuck anyway!!
I see girls come into the bar wearing tank tops, listen girls, if your built like a tank don't wear the top. Crispy Creme donuts are now coming out with a drinkable donut- good news for fat people that don't want to chew. I rest my case.

So please America get healthy, we can do it and always tip your bartender!!

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Drinking too much these days?

When your a bartender there's always a reason to drink, not to mention, its right there all around you. These days I feel like there is always a reason to drink and I'm actually believing those reasons. Reasons like- its Monday, its Friday, its going to be a late one tonight, my friends are in, the girls are in, the cops are in, it will take the edge off, and so on.  This list of reasons or excuses could go on forever. This all catches up on you if your not careful and after a while the nights start getting longer and the days get shorter.  All of a sudden its just a couple of comatosed waking hours. There's always another place to go in New York City, particularly on the west side, Hells Kitchen area of Manhattan. Lets go to O'Flattery's on 46TH until 8am, then to Smith's on 44TH and 8TH avenue, Rudy's on 44TH and 9TH, or the Holland bar on 39TH and 9TH, all after hours bars, and then more after after hours bars until its normal hours so to speak. I know that's a lot of afters, fuck it give me a beer.  When one bar closes in New York City, there is always another one open.





I recently found myself in one of the many hotels in the area with this girl I met at the bar.  She insisted I come over so it would be rude of me not to say yes- right?. I grab a few beers from the bar and we head over to her room.  Well after about an hour we finish all the beers, only to attack her mimi bar.  A few hours pass and the mimi bar is now completely empty.  So we have the brilliant idea that I go out and get more beer. As I'm walking back through the hallways of the hotel, with a six pack under my arm, starving, I notice a room service tray outside somebody's room.  I lift up the top to see a half eaten turkey club sandwich underneath.  I grab the sandwich and take a large bite out of it.  So now, I'm sitting outside a complete strangers room with a six pack of beer- well a four pack of beer now, eating somebody elses half eaten turkey club when it dawns on me.  "This turkey club needs mayonaise"!!



Alcohol doesn’t make you fat, it makes you lean... against tables, floors, chairs, walls and ugly fuckers, so be careful my friends.
You know when you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name and you’ve never been there before. Alcoholic friend of mine is getting married and he is registered to the local liquor store. He tried the alcoholic anonymous 12-step program but he fell down the third step-cheers!!!
Until next time, please don’t forget to tip your bartender.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Its cold in the city tonight

Its so cold tonight in New York City that the hookers in Time Square were blowing on soup. Its so cold I seen one guy rubbing the Olsen twins together to start a fire.
On cold nights like these I always try to go and look for my homeless friend Richie. He lives on west 36Th street in the back of a parking lot behind two dumpsters, in a box. I usually bring him some food that is left over from our kitchen, or a coat that has been in the lost and found, too long. I microwaved it (the food that is) but by the time I get there its pretty cold but its food right. I get to 36Th street and I shout into the back of the lot for Richie, "you around Richie, you there". He always comes out smiling he always has a good outlook on things, really puts everything into perspective. Richie comes into the bar from time to time usually late in the evening with a hand full of coins that he has collected throughout the night. He maybe has a couple of dimes and a few quarters and says, "can I have ten dollars for this", usually at least five dollars short- smart little fucker, but I like him. He tells me how he would rather be on the street, as he says, "no worries or bills on the street", but on nights like these I don't think so. Lets hope Richie makes it, even if its just tonight.
He says this all the time and I also hear this from people at the bar; "Live everyday like its your last".  I'm all for that idea.  I even tried it one day, however I wouldn't recommend it.  One Tuesday a few months ago, I woke up, quit my job, shagged my girlfriends sister and kicked a cop in the arse.   Wednesday rolled around, to my surprise and disappointment; I had no job, no girlfriend and was in jail.  One good thing I got a new girlfriend called Bubba.




As I always say don't forget to tip your bartender but on cold nights like these where the difference between life and death could be a few dollars to a homeless guy, please give them to Richie- Peace.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Central Park: The Eighth Wonder Of The World?

Being a Bartender in New York City is amazing. Its the most fun you can have with your pants on, sometimes off. I will continue to do it until I stop enjoying it. However like every job there are times when its difficult and stressful. That is way I love to go to Central Park, in the heart of New York City. If its only for an hour once in a while, for me its like a mini holiday. Its my NYC shrink, and costs a lot less. A big couch in the middle of the city. Central Park is like the heart that beats New York City for me. I like to run, and for me there is no place like Central Park. By the way, talking about exercising and all that; is there a rule that the older you are at the gym the more naked you need to be- just a thought.  Anyway, once you enter the park everything slows down and gets so tranquil. The energy is high, exciting and it pulls you in. The park is over 150 years old, over 80% is below street level, over 800 acres, first public park built in America, and the perimeter is over six miles long from 59Th street to 110 street. By the way, whats the hardest thing about rollerblading? Telling your parents your gay!!  Thats for all those male rollerblade fuck heads that fly all over the place and continually get in my way.  The women are cool !!!

There are so many points of interest, I could not possibly mention them all, and to be honest I don't want to share them all as I want them all to myself. But here's a few, go see John over by the plaza at 59Th street on the south east corner of the park. He is a real character, look for him and romeo- his white and black spotted horse. Take a ride with him on his horse and carriage, he's full of fascinating information and stories.  Ask him about David Beckham, Tom Cruise and Al Pacino, just to name a few.

Where John is, go in to the beautiful park on the south east corner, as you go down the steps to the park and the pond, there is a German light post which was dedicated to the German village that used to be there. Up by the Metropolitan Museum of Art at 83rd street and 5Th avenue, there is a black statue that is dedicated to the black village that was once there, and by the Columbus Circle entrance at 59Th street and Central Park West, where the Irish village once was, there is a banjo and a couple of empty bottle's of whiskey, to represent the Irish village that used to be in that part of the park!!!

There's actually a Scottish man that always plays his bagpipes just south of the Met at 82nd street in the park, sporting his kilt and all. He sounds great. There's nothing quite like the sound of the bagpipes. Once you hear them in the park, particularly when the sun is going down, its remarkable and haunting.  By the way, you know the difference between an onion and a bagpipe- nobody cries when you chop up a bagpipe.  That ones for my Scottish pal Stevie.

At 72nd street and Central Park South it is always nice to stop by Strawberry Fields and relax by the imagine sign that was put there in honor of the late, great John Lennon who was tragically shot across the street outside of the Dakota building where yoko ono still lives.

Then head down to Heckscher ball fields at west 63rd street, bring a sandwich and look for smokie, he will get you a beer to wash down your lunch. In the summer time there are continuous baseball and softball games, a lot from the local Broadways shows. A great place to relax, have a beer and take it all in. I think a lot of New Yorkers take Central Park for granted and forget how beautiful the park really is, oh the simple things in life.





Now that's enough for now, when your finished in the park come down to my bar have a beer and don't forget to give my a tip especially now after all this great information I've just given you, cheers and your welcome!!

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Halloween

Great night at the bar last night all the jowls and monsters were out for Halloween. This one guy was dressed like a clans man with a big white sheet over him and a pointy hat. I said to him where did you get the costume at the k.k.k Mart.

This bunch of gay lads came in the bar and I like the gays, they tip well and are nice, anyway they say it takes a village to rise a family, but not the village people, they were the gayest people I have ever seen, well the bar is close to Chelsea, the gay capitol of New York City.

There's nothing as funny as seeing a grown man walking down 10Th avenue at 6am the morning after Halloween dressed like a slut with high heels and fish net shocking on coming home by yourself, try to explain that one, it kinda reminded me of the old days.

Happy Halloween everyone and don't forget to tip your bartender, no candy please!!

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Smoking

As we all know you can't smoke in bars in New York City anymore, I personally think its a good Idea, but I can understand how you smokers might be pissed off.

Anyway, these two old lady's were smoking outside the bar one night and it started to rain and one lady pulled out a condom out of her pocket, cut the end of it off and rolled it over the cigarette, kinda like a cigarette rain coat, the lady beside her was amazed with this new invention.
She says to the other lady, how can I get one of those things. The other lady says, just go down to the local drug store and ask them for a packet of condoms. So the lady goes into the pharmacist at the drug store the next day and says, can I have a condom please. The pharmacist says, what kind and size do you want. The lady looking a little puzzled says, I'm not that sure really, once it fits over a Camel !!!!!!



By the way, how many condoms can you get out of a rubber tire, 365 if its a Goodyear !!

Cheers for now and remember to tip your bartender.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

John Mayer Does Comedy?

It was Sunday night, my night off from the bar, so I decided to go to the Comedy Cellar Comedy Club on Macdougal street which is between west 3rd and Bleecker street and we all got a surprise guest appearance from yours truly John Mayer, you know the singer. Well let me tell you all he's a better singer, he was about as funny as a snot in my cup of tea. I will give him credit for getting up there and giving it a go. I went there to see one of my favourite comedians Dave Attel, who is always funny and original. If your in New York you have to go to the comedy cellar as its the best in the city. Anyway we had a great New York night and only in New York can you go out to a comedy club and see the singer John Mayer do stand up comedy. Well I just wanted to share that story with you and your welcome.

I was with my beautiful girlfriend at the show and we had a great time, we have been dating a while now and all is good, but as we all know dating can be tough. I remember one time dating a girl all summer long because she had air conditioning and I didn't, sometimes you just need to survive, you know it gets hot in New York in the summer. I dated a cop for a while, for years the law was doing me, but then I was doing the law- I loved it. There all hard, being married, single you have to work on them all. It basically boils down to; do you want to be lonely or annoyed and whichever one you can handle the best you should go for it. Well as we all know New York is not cheap so I must get back to the bar to make some money so cheers for now and remember to tip your bartender.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Is New York City Really Safe

Two skinheads were arrested last night in New York City by local police in Time Square, one swallowed battery acid and the other one ate fireworks. The police charged one and let the other one off.
The police station in midtown south on 35th street was broken in to, and all the toilet seats were stolen, when asked about the break in the police captain said " we have nothing to go on".
A polish man was stabbed 52 times in the back last night outside a city cafe, the police said it was the worst case of suicide they have ever seen.
So are we really safe, I will let you make up your own mind. Personally that makes me feel about as safe as a gerbil in a Chelsea pet shop window!!!! Be safe, relax and have a beer.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Brittany Spears

So Brittany Spears just lost custody of her two young kids, here's my question, who got custody of Brittany Spears, she the one that needs real help, god bless you Brittany and good luck.

Quiet night in the bar tonight but a very eventful ending. So I'm walking out of the bar and its obviously dark so I'm always looking around when leaving the bar, and out of nowhere this guy comes towards me so I think to myself fuck this is not good because as a bartender you always have a few dollars on you. As he comes towards me he stops about two feet away from me and says " do you want a blow job", I was never so relieved if you know what I mean, I thought I was about to get robbed and this guy says "do you want a blow job". I say, get the fuck out of here you sick fuck and he says to me this time, "I will swallow" like now I was going to say well OK then. You never know who or whats out there in the night in New York City.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Back in the Big Apple

Well back in New York City again, sometimes you have to leave NY to realize how amazing, and how much I miss this city. I remember the first time I came to NY, I got a bus from JFK airport to Port Authority bus station on 42nd in Manhattan. So I ask this man outside the bus station where's 34Th and 9Th avenue and he says "go fuck ya self", I was like, yes I have arrived, this is my kind of town. So I eventually start walking downtime and I notice all these religious, Jesus freaks. They are everywhere in Manhattan especially around the bus stations, with their religious speeches and their big crosses everywhere, nothing for nothing, if Jesus comes back to save us all, I think the last thing he wants to see is a cross.

That reminds me, there's a catholic priest and a rabbi outside a deli one day, along comes a young boy walking by and the priest says "how about we grab this kid and screw him" and the rabbi says "out of what". A Priest, a Rapist and a Pedophile walk into a bar....... that was just the first guy!!!!!! I know everyone, I'm going straight to hell for that one, well as my dad would say, Its only a joke.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Jimmy Buffet in the garden last night

If you all didn't know by my blogger name "newyorkcitybartender", I am actually a bartender in New York City, the big apple. Jimmy Buffet in the garden tonight, great night lots of fun. I never made so many Margarita's as I did tonight, those parrot heads sure like their margarita's on the rocks, straight up, with salt, either way they lapped them up, it was worth the hassle as the tips were good at the end of the night-5am. There an older crowd so they are all pretty well behaved except for this french lad, what an arrogant little shit. I don't want to pick on the french with the old stereotype but it seems some of them think they are so above everyone else and this guy was tiny. Well pal no wonder you have never won a war when you name your cities Toulouse. Talk about a napoleon complex he was so short that when I asked him for his I.D, in the photo you could see his feet. I said to him what was the last women you were inside- the statue of liberty.

I hate these people who always come up to me and say where are you from, I tell them I'm from Ireland and they say I'd love to go there, well what the fuck are you waiting for, there's 10 flight a day mate, its easier to go to Ireland than to get to the upper east side from the west side. Just go to the airport and go, by the time this stupid, boring conversation is over you will be there. I have one guy that comes in maybe twice a week for the last few years and every time he comes in he says I'd love to go, what the fuck are you waiting for, get in a taxi, go to the airport, buy a ticket and you will be there in no time and stop telling me how much you want to go, you prick.

Then other people come to me and say, my friend was in Ireland last week, do you think I give a shit, then they say to me, with that accent you must get laid all the time in New York, its kind off a back handed compliment, I say, well I wasn't exactly a virgin in Ireland.
Thanks I feel better now. See you later now go down to your local watering hole and have yourself a margarita- its on me.