Monday, February 18, 2008

President George Bush

Congratulations to President Barack Obama. I think America is ready for a black President, well the last one was retarded so why not a black president. George Bush was in the Bar last night and looking to get laid. He asks this brunette girl at the bar, I'm the President of America how much would it cost me to spend some time with you? She replied, $200. Then he asks this red headed girl, the same question, and her reply was $100. Lastly he asks this blonde and she replies, Mr President, if you can get my skirt as high as my taxes, my pants as low as my wages, your dick as hard as the times we are living in, and keep it rising like the price of gas and screw me the way you have the people, then it won't cost you a fucking penny!!
My mother always used to say to me, never let the truth get in the way of a good story.
Cheers for now and please remember to tip your bartender.

Happy Presidents Day

Well the bar is closed today for Presidents day, its always nice to get an extra day off, so happy Presidents day everybody. God bless all. President George Bush said he really loves Presidents day, as he always looks forward to all the presents.

President Bush said every illegal immigrant coming to America should learn English, "if I was moving to Canada I would learn Canadian" way to go George!!! I am definitely getting audited this year. He was recently in England and he had to go in to hospital for an emergency circumcision, but the doctor said he would not be able to do the operation, as he said, there is no end to this prick. When having sex George Bush always has to be on the bottom as he can only fuck up.!!!
Vice President Dick Cheney said today that if everything goes well with the war in Iraq there will be 3 different countries, regular, unleaded, and supreme?

That reminds me of the night Monica Lewinsky came into the bar. So I ask her who will you be voting for in the upcoming Presidential elections. Will you be voting for Hillary Clinton, (don't get a head of me people), Barack Obama or John McCain. She said that she would be voting Republican as the Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth. So I guess its John McCain for President then, thanks Monica.

All good bartenders have jokes, here's one- President Bush, Pope Benedict, and Michael Jackson are on a plane and its going down and they only have 2 parachutes, the crew say to the Pope, we think you should be the first to take a parachute, you need to survive, the Pope says no, I can't, what about the children aboard the plane, President Bush says, fuck the children, and Michael Jackson says, do you think we have time?

Cheers everyone enjoy Presidents Day, God Bless America, and remember to tip your bartender.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

The Westies?

This guy in the bar tonight threatens to shoot me. Its always the same the loudest person in the bar is usually the weakest. You should watch the quite guy in the corner he's the one that you need to watch. People that tell you they are in the mob or the Westies and are going to kill you usually don't.

Well it all started when this prick walked into the bar tonight and asks for a Heineken and a chilled shot of patron. Right away I don't like this person and my gut tell me he's no good. I give him the drinks and no thank you or please to be had. Then he says, put the college basketball game on but I tell him somebody is watching the knicks game already so I can't change the channel. I didn't want to change the channel any way for this prick. So with that he says put the fucking game on. Now I say listen wanker that TV is never going to be change now, get the fuck out of here. Here's where the fun starts; do you not know who your dealing with, I'm connected and your a dead man. I'm going to fucking shot you. Again he says, put the fucking game on, again I say, listen scumbag hell will freeze over before I change that TV channel, get the fuck out of here your a nobody just like me. So eventually he leave and then he starts calling up the bar saying he is going to shot me that he is waiting outside the doors, whatever I say you fucking loser. I for one can't put my hands on anyone, but I'm feeling like I want too. So he keeps calling as I can see his name on the caller I.d on the phone. A real Einstein, a real professional gangster. So he keeps calling saying do you not know who I am, I actually say, yes I know who you are your name and number are coming up on the caller Id. I'm the Westies, so fucking what I say. So then he walks into the bar and now I say fuck you this ends right now and as he is entering the bar I push him back out the door and into the garbage outside- a perfect place for this piece of shit. I walk back in the bar and sure enough dickhead starts calling again, but this time he has changed his tune. Now he want to sue me, he says you hurt me I'm going to sue. I say make your mind up, are you going to kill me or sue me, because its very hard to sue a dead guy, and I hang up. Again a few minutes go by and again he calls up but this time I just laugh at him and I hand it to an off duty police officer in the bar and he says to this tough guy, listen what your doing right now is verbal harassment punishable up to a year in jail, I have your name and number from the caller ID and if you don't stop calling we will personally go to New Jersey and grab you out of your house by your balls and you will pay. Now the tough guy starts balling crying saying how sorry he is and all he wanted was for the bartender to put the game on- what a scumbag loser.

Unfortunately these things happen only once in a while- we all need a good laugh now and again, and please don't forget to tip your bartender.