Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Its cold in the city tonight

Its so cold tonight in New York City that the hookers in Time Square were blowing on soup. Its so cold I seen one guy rubbing the Olsen twins together to start a fire.
On cold nights like these I always try to go and look for my homeless friend Richie. He lives on west 36Th street in the back of a parking lot behind two dumpsters, in a box. I usually bring him some food that is left over from our kitchen, or a coat that has been in the lost and found, too long. I microwaved it (the food that is) but by the time I get there its pretty cold but its food right. I get to 36Th street and I shout into the back of the lot for Richie, "you around Richie, you there". He always comes out smiling he always has a good outlook on things, really puts everything into perspective. Richie comes into the bar from time to time usually late in the evening with a hand full of coins that he has collected throughout the night. He maybe has a couple of dimes and a few quarters and says, "can I have ten dollars for this", usually at least five dollars short- smart little fucker, but I like him. He tells me how he would rather be on the street, as he says, "no worries or bills on the street", but on nights like these I don't think so. Lets hope Richie makes it, even if its just tonight.
He says this all the time and I also hear this from people at the bar; "Live everyday like its your last".  I'm all for that idea.  I even tried it one day, however I wouldn't recommend it.  One Tuesday a few months ago, I woke up, quit my job, shagged my girlfriends sister and kicked a cop in the arse.   Wednesday rolled around, to my surprise and disappointment; I had no job, no girlfriend and was in jail.  One good thing I got a new girlfriend called Bubba.




As I always say don't forget to tip your bartender but on cold nights like these where the difference between life and death could be a few dollars to a homeless guy, please give them to Richie- Peace.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Pope Benedict- Holy Shit!!

Pope Benedict is believed to have gotten the bird flu, they think he might have got it from one of the Cardinals. Now we have the swine flu but there is something even more serious than that- the turtle flu. Its coming slowly but its coming, just wait and see.

There was this priest in the bar last night, local priest, bit of a prick to be honest. I recently went into see him as I am the godfather of my friends baby and I was introducing myself for the upcoming christening. Well to make a long story painful, he made me feel about as welcome as a fart in a spaceman's suit. Did you know that you now have to register to go to mass. Its turning into the department of motor vehicles. Well, this is what this messenger of God said to me- who knew, I wonder will it involve a donation? At the risk of over sharing- did you know that black people invented the dept. of motor vehicles.  It was to get white people back for slavery. Fair enough!!

So anyway he comes into the bar last night and asks me for a glass of wine, so I give him a glass of water and told him to make it himself. Now before you get upset with me he did make me feel earlier about as welcome as a black man at a k.k.k meeting. So were really busy and there are no tables available for dinner so he's getting a bit annoyed at the wait. I say to him, you will get the next table. Well every 2 minutes he keeps asking me, is the table ready, is the table ready, like a kid asking his parents if there, there yet. So I say to him, if you like you can register for a table, with that he storms out all pissed off. I thought one of the things you need as a priest is patience and a sense of humor, unfortunately he had neither.

The catholic church are cock tickling their way into bankruptcy. You can't really blame the priests because a lot of them started out as altar boys and got sucked into it.


Religion is all about recognition. The Jews don't recognise the Palestinians as the settlers of Jerusalem. The Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christians, and the Mormons cult, don't recognize each other in hooters.  By the way, don't fuck with the Jews, they cut the tops off their own penises, imagine what they will do to yours!!!

That reminds me, these two priests were having dinner together at the bar the other night and I didn't know whether to send them over a bottle of wine or a cub scout!! I think I'm going to hell for that one.
While I'm going to hell- a priest, a rapist and a pedofile walk into the bar- that was just the first guy!!

Remember tip your bartender!!

Thursday, November 18, 2010

My Doctors Appointment Today

Today was my annual doctors appointment.  Its always a little scary going for my yearly check up.  The life of a bartender is usually not that healthy.  All those late nights, early mornings, beers and shots, on your feet all the time, eating unhealthy fried food and so on, you get the picture.  Anyway I go into the doctors today like every year, feeling a little scared and un-easy, hoping everything will be alright.

So the doctor says to me; "I'm going to need a blood sample, a urine sample, and a stool sample". I say to him, "here, just take my underpants".   I think my doctor might be gay; why you say?.  He says to me, "can you please, take off all your cloths ".  So I do and then I say to him, "where should I put them".  He says, "in the corner on top of mine".  Now come on, thats a little weird right.  That puts a whole new spin on the doctor saying, "This might hurt a little bit".  Well he continues to examine me.  He says to me, "you need to stop masterbating".  I say "why", and he says, "because I'm trying to examine you".
That rerminds me- when I was a kid my father walked into my room and caught me playing with myself.  He said to me, listen if you don't stop playing with yourself you will go blind.  I said to him, dad, I'm over here.

Well I survive another year, so here's to another year of the same old stuff, and remember, please, always tip your bartender.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Psychiatrist vs. Bartender

Quiet night at the bar last night, spent most of the night chatting with my mate Dave.  He's quite the character as are most people from Liverpool, England.  Well as I said it was pretty slow so we had time to talk about many things, from football, (the real football, you know the one that you actually use your foot- hence the name), to personal fears and so on.  Well he starts telling me his fear of thinking that there's someone under his bed.  It went something like this:
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him. . . 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"$90 per visit," replied the Doctor.
"I'll sleep on it," I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street.
'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having,' he asked.
'Well, ninety bucks a visit, three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! My friend the bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went out and bought myself a new custom fitted suit!'
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude, he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!'
Apparently six months ago I gave my good friend Dave that advice- who knew I was so brilliant.

SO GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER! LIFE IS TOO SHORT!
AND REMEMBER TO ALWAYS TIP YOUR BARTENDER, THERE A LOT CHEAPER
THAN A SHRINK.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

The Bar Loser

Working in a popular bar, you always have a "Bar Loser". If you don't know what I'm talking about, you are that loser. You know the person that always makes excuses about everything. The person that can never pay his tab in full, ever. He's always saying, here's twenty dollars take that off my tab. Like Norm from Cheers. He always has a sure thing at the bookies. Comes in to the bar with the horse racing part of the paper under his arm and the bookies pencil behind his ear. In my bar lets call him Joe, this guy is such a loser that when he goes to the track the teller gives him his ticket already torn up. However, for some strange reason, God takes care of drunks and fools, so were all going to be just fine.



Can I have a greyhound, what are you too fuckin cool to ask for a vodka and grapefruit- dickhead. I always charge these fucking snobs more. I hate when people come into the bar, I look at them, say hi, what can I get you, and they look at me like I'm speaking Chinese. People what do you think I just asked you, you came in to a bar, I'm the bartender behind the bar and I say something, I wonder what I could be possibly saying. Tell me what you want so I can move on and get another drink for someone else nob head; thanks a lot.

Some people must think the bar is in a lighthouse, I got a call the other night and the person said to me, "is the coast clear"!! that's weird right. Other people must think I sell drugs because the other night I got a call and the person on the phone said to me, "Is that dope gone yet". You must be really drunk when you get pulled over by the coast guards.

This Afghanistan man came in to the bar and asked me if I could recommend a good port, I said, Yup, Newark, New Jersey- piss off!! Its only a joke.

Cheers for now, tip your bartender

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Ways To get a Bartender's Attention and keep it!!

Ways to get a Bartenders attention and keep it.

Catch his eye- a bartender is always looking up to see who needs what- and then gesture. Don't yell, snap your fingers or whistle, he's not a dog- good luck getting a drink after that. I had this one shithead whistle at me the other night and I'm like, is there a dog in here. Then I left to look for it, and never came back to the dog whistler.
Know what you want to drink before the bartender asks. If you're ordering for other people, also know what they want.  There's nothing worse than when your busy and you ask somebody what you can get them and they look at you like your speakin chinese- unless there chinese ofcourse. Why don't you call me up tomorrow and I'll tell you what shoes to wear.  Make a fuckin decision will ya.
If you're ordering for other people, please have everyone's money in hand, ready to pay, so the bartender doesn't have to wait, and don't be a cheap prick, pay for them yourself. The less time you take the more time I have to serve others and make more tips. Its a numbers game.
If you want a specific brand, ask for it by name. Also, give the spirit name first, "cranberry vodka" is different from "vodka and cranberry". Its like peanut butter and jelly, its not jelly and peanut butter.
If you know you'll be coming back for another round and you're paying with a credit card, leave the tab open so the bartender doesn't have to run through new charges when you return.
Believe me, if you do these things the bartender will remember you, you will get served right away, and he might even buy you a drink or a round. If the bartender is good, (like me) next time you come up to the bar, you will just have to say, "same again" and he will give you the same round again.

How to tip appropriately.

$1 a drink is fine, but if you're running a tab, leave 20 percent of the total, as you would if you were dining.
Don't tell the bartender you'll, "Get him later." What that means to him is, "Get him never," and he'll be slower to come back to you when you want your next round- he might never come back.
If a bartender finds you attractive, he may give you a free drink.  You should still tip him, even if the house isn't charging you.
Don't punish the bartender because you think the drinks are too expensive.  He didn't set the price, and you've chosen to drink them.  Nobody got rich stiffing bartenders and not tipping.
Please don't leave loose change on the bar as a tip.  Round up in dollar increments.  Bartenders don't like to hear their tips.

Cheers and please always tip your bartender.



Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Brunch

Just back from brunch, what a treat, you know we men that is, would all rather get up early on Sunday and go to brunch, rather than sleep in, wake up late and watch football. I'm sitting there with my girlfriend and all her friends, paying $18 for eggs, listening to conversations about shopping, flowers and candles. How about after brunch we go to a candle shop, oh can we, please, I'm so happy. Do you ever just want to flip the whole fuckin table over?

After brunch we walked down the west side walkway along the water. Now I like this, your right beside the Hudson river and when the sun is shining it reflects right off the water- beats bloody brunch. It is absolutely beautiful and full of walkers, runners and roller bladders.  By the way, whats the hardest thing about roller blading? Telling your family your gay. Have fun and have a drink on me- cheers!!

Don't forget, please tip your bartender.