O.J Simpson- what an Arsehole

O.J Simpson not happy getting away with murder now he wants to get away with burglary, but to be fair to him he said he was actually going there to kill someone. He actually stole his own stuff, that's like holding yourself up. What kind of dickhead gets arrested for stealing his own stuff. You know what O.J stands for "orange jumpsuit". Whats the difference between O.J and Adolf Hitler- Hitler left less clues. So the other day O.J Simpson was convicted and sentenced to do a minimum of nine years. Is he not the biggest dip shit in the world. He gets away with the crime of the century as we all know and he's still not happy. If that was me and probably the rest of the normal world I would not spit on the street or j-walk, I would be the greatest citizen on the face of this earth. Well maybe there is a God after all!!

The other night in the bar, this prick keeps asking me for a buy back- a free drink.  In most NYC bars they will give you a free drink, usually after you have had three drinks or more, however it is up to the discretion of the bar and the bartender. Anyway this guy says to me, "Wheres my free drink".  When you ask for one, you don't get one. That whats I believe. So I say, we don't give free drinks here. This cunt keep asking me, "wheres my free drink, my buy back".  We don't give free drinks I continue to say.  Now this loser starts shouting, "wheres my fuckin free drink","I'm going to kick your fuckin ass mother fucker", this loser keeps saying to me.  So I give him ten dollars and say, "go and buy yourself a drink somewhere else and fuck off and don't come back arsehole.  He says, "thanks a lot" and leaves the bar.  Sometimes its worth a few dollars to get rid of a scumbag.

Things not to say to a bartender when there busy- Would you recommend a nice fruity drink- Yes a bottle of bud, now fuck off !!!!

Speaking of tipping, tourists here's the deal.
We bartenders make our living on tips, it is customary to tip in America especially in New York, if you don't tip it is also customary to spit in your Margarita.
Here's the deal, we live on the tips give a few dollars a round of drinks, most New Yorkers give a dollar a drink. I know this is all new to you so give what you can, anything is appreciated and it is also customary to buy a customer a drink especially one who tips, usually every 4Th drink. I know this is a revolutionary idea to you Europeans right now as you are lucky to get a free bag of bacon fries from your local bar at home . Don't wait until the end of the night to tip show your appreciation right away and the appreciation will be shown to you. Have fun and enjoy New York City, especially the Scots, I know you are known to be cheap, ( remember copper wire was invented in Scotland- two Scotsman fighting over a penny). That's for my favorite Scotsman and friend Stevie Byrne.
I was in Glasgow recently to see Stevie and I stopped by his house and I noticed that he was taking the wall paper of the walls, I said to him are you decorating, no he said I'm moving. We went down to see the famous museum and statue of William Wallace in Stirling (remember brave heart, freedom and all that), so were in Stirling and this man comes up to me and says, do you know where the statue of Mel Gibson is, I won't say who said it, but to be fair to this American guy the statue did look a bit like him. There were also Scottish bagpipes playing they actually sounded great. While were on the subject of bagpipes, whats the difference between a bagpipe and an onion- nobody cries when you chop up a bagpipe. Stevie will be mad at me for that one.

So cheers everyone and please tip your bartender.

New Chapter in America

There's a new chapter in America but unfortunately its chapter 11. I come into work these days and I see less people- well the after work crowd that is. I come into work at 6pm to start my night, well at least I'm supposed to be there at 6pm however that's a bit of a laugh. Customers actually bet on when I will arrive at work how many minutes after six I will show up. I hear some cheers and some groans, mostly groans when I walk in the door, people cursing me as I walk through the door for not showing up at their designated time.
Anyway don't get me wrong business is still pretty good in the bar, I'm not complaining. Bars will always be good during hard times, there recession proof as one customer put it today. People are getting laid off for sure, but some of them I have always wondered how they had a job in the first place, real fucking dip shits, where the others I'm genuinely sorry for and I wish them all the best.

You hear some funny things, some funny conversations while working behind the bar, so many to remember but here's one I remember from last night. This guy says to this girl, whats your zip code, she's like what, again he says, whats your zip code, everybody asks for the phone number I just want the zip code- he was funny, not sure if he ever did get the zip code.

Well as we all know times are hard right now but please, tip your bartender!!

Freud You!!

Pretty quiet night tonight, Veterans day, a lot of people off work. So these two people walk into the bar tonight, not a couple as they are a little bit awkward towards each other but are obviously friends. So I say hi what are you having, the guy says right away, I'll have a bud, the girl takes her time can't make up her mind, obviously first time in a bar!  Right away I know this person, pain in the arse, crying out for attention, wants the world to wait on her, however these people can be interesting and sometimes fun!  Definitely didn't get a hug when she was a child.
Eventually asks for a rum and coke- after all that. So about ten minutes pass and she says, do you know how to make a cosmopolitan, yes I say, and he orders another bud. Another ten, twenty minutes pass and then she says to me can you make me a Black Russian, you know how to make it. I say listen, you know love, this is not my first night, oh really she says. Remember she is curving attention.
So this is where the fun begins. She finishes the earlier cosmopolitan and while I'm in the middle of a conversation with another customer, she says, take my empty class away, do you know how to be a bartender. I look at her laugh and continue my conversation. You need to nip that in the butt right away or else they will walk all over you. Listen people I know my job detail, but I'm a human being behind this bar as well.
Then she says, whats wrong with you, where are you from, what month were you born, why do you hate yourself and so forth. I say, pretending to cry, maybe I just need a hug. Darling, I say- just to keep it fun, enough of the psycho babble bullshit, save it for someone that cares. You know what Freud said, "The Irish are imperious to psychoanalyses", let it go sweetheart. Don't you think I'm a beautiful woman, do you not want me, she says. Beauty comes in many forms I say and you are so ugly in the inside. So now she does a total 360 on me, now she tells me that she lives up the street and wants me to fuck her. Typical, girl that looks confident on the outside, mean and aggressive, goes through her whole life hating and being mean to people, when in reality she hates herself and is so insecure. I say to her, you have the sex appeal of a school bus fire, I wouldn't fuck you with his cock- pointing at her friend. Before you get upset with me people, trust me she had it coming and now maybe she will not be such a bitch to people in the future. Eventually her friend says to her, your being an asshole time to go home. Best of luck to you Darling your going to need it.

Remember were not just bartenders we are psychiatrists too, so don't forget to tip.

Full Moon Tonight

It was one of those nights that every bartender knows and feels before they happen. It started out when I came into work at 6pm to start my night. There is this drunk at the end of the bar and right away I'm pissed off that he is being served and still in the bar. It doesn't take much to piss of the start of the night for a night bartender, we are very fragile. So the day bartender says to me, don't serve that guy, he's fucked up, but it was OK for you to serve him, and why would you care, your out of here anyway- fucking prick. So I say, you served him you get rid of him. I didn't serve him he says, so I say, where did he get the Heineken. Listen, why don't you think before you talk, I'm sick of you serving obviously fucked up people and saying, you have a good night and running out the door, only for me to handle the shit you left behind. If your a night bartender you know what I'm talking about. Well I eventually get this fuck head out of the bar after he comes in a few more times not realizing that I just fucked him out before. Unfortunately my night goes from bad to worse.

A few hours go by and all of a sudden a major brawl starts. Its not one of those fights when nobody really wants to fight, a bunch of hand bags and pocket books thrown. These people really wanted to hurt each other. These fights happen at best once a year. What I have learnt over the years as a bartender is not to be a hero. I have loved one's to go home too. Fights usually break themselves up. Don't be a hero, they bury hero's. As the Marines and the Rangers say, we don't die for our country, we live for our country. If anybody knows me, I'm not the one to run from a fight but this shite is ridiculous. There are some nights in the bar when I'm like, fuck I would love a bit of action right now, a good beating, a bit of anarchy, get in close to somebody and really give it a go. Remember, I have an advantage I'm sober, well usually anyway. Listen if a fight lasts more than 10 seconds and your in it your in big trouble. So remember that when a fight starts and your working behind a bar, by the time you get around the bar the fight is usually over, but if the fight is still going on after you get around the bar, that's a fight you have no business getting in, and you certainly do not want to be in it.

So here's to the full moon tonight and a full tip jar, so please, don't forget to tip your bartenders!!

Halloween

Great night at the bar last night all the jowls and monsters were out for Halloween. This one guy was dressed like a clans man with a big white sheet over him and a pointy hat. I said to him where did you get the costume at the k.k.k Mart.

This bunch of gay lads came in the bar and I like the gays, they tip well and are nice, anyway they say it takes a village to rise a family, but not the village people, they were the gayest people I have ever seen, well the bar is close to Chelsea, the gay capitol of New York City.

There's nothing as funny as seeing a grown man walking down 10Th avenue at 6am the morning after Halloween dressed like a slut with high heels and fish net shocking on coming home by yourself, try to explain that one, it kinda reminded me of the old days.

Happy Halloween everyone and don't forget to tip your bartender, no candy please!!

Last chapter?

This was supposed to be a short term gig, work as a bartender for a while make some money have lots of fun, do some travelling and position myself for the next big deal. Well that was the plan anyway. Well ten years has almost passed and I'm still a bartender on the lovely west side of Manhattan, Hells Kitchen area, the Manhattan Riviera. Business is still good considering our economic times, the same people come through the doors, slaves to their jobs, coming in before they take their two hour bus or train from Port Authority or Penn Station only to come back the next day to do it all again, what an existence. Everybody is living for their 401k and pension, pension this and pension that, and they forget to live for the moment. By the looks of things there will be nothing left anyway, no 401k or pension. Its when I see these people that I realize things for me are not so bad. I live up the street, have a ton of fun behind the bar, I've met some incredible people, made lots of friends, I see my boss once in a while, nobody really bothers me, except for the odd gangster, robber, homosexual, lesbian, midget and pervert. You know what? Bring it on, here's to another night behind the bar.

And don't forget to always tip your bartender.

My Aunt Died

Well today my favourite Irish aunt died, she lived a great long life. She was actually 106 years young when she died, so don't feel to bad.

We used to call her antique. She used to go up to statues and say to people "I fucked him". She used to go into the store Old Navy looking for sailors.

My friend Dave today actually asked me how she died, oh she died of a heart attack after teaching a crunch yoga class, she died of a heart attack in the mosh pit at a Metallica concert, her shoot didn't open- she was 106 everybody. By the way whats the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral- one less drunk. Rest In Peace!!

Cheers to my aunt, now go out and have a drink and tip your bartender!!!

Lawyers

I have a lawyer friend that comes into the bar, he's a nice guy but he is a lawyer so you have to fuck with them.

I said to him, whats the difference between a prostitute and a lawyer, a prostitute will stop fucking you when your dead.

I guy comes into the bar shouting and screaming the other night saying, all lawyers are assholes, all lawyers are assholes, this man runs up to him and says, I'm offended by that, the other guy says, what are you a lawyer, no he says, I'm an asshole.

This women goes to the doctor and asks the doctor, can women get pregnant from anal sex, of course they can says the doctor, where do you think lawyers come from!!!!

So he says to me, why are there no Irish lawyers, because they can't pass the bar. I suppose I had that one coming. Cheers

My Friend Arthur

My good old Jewish friend Arthur comes into the bar tonight all happy and smiling. Right there I know somethings wrong. I ask him why you so happy. He tells me he just won the new york state lottery, ten million dollars to be exact- drinks for everybody. Well, after the bar slows down I ask him, so Arthur whats next, what are you going to do with your winning. Now let me tell you about Art, he's a tough fucker, eighty nine years old, survived the holocaust, he's seen and been through it all. So anyway he says, first I'm going to donate half of the winnings, that's five million dollars to the Nazi party. I'm like what, are you losing your mind. No he says I'm going to donate half the winning five million to the Nazi party. I say, why would you do that after what they did to you and your people. Well its like this, he says, they gave me the numbers!!!
So there is a God after all.

So good luck to you Arthur and to you all, and please don't forget to tip your bartender!!

George Michael In The Garden Tonight

Busy night in the bar tonight, busier than a usual Monday night. George Michael was in Madison Square Garden tonight, that is probably why we were busier than normal, apparently still a lot of Wham and George Michael fans around. What's white and slides down the bathroom wall? George Michael's latest release- Just kidding George.

Talking about celebrities, David Hasselhoff was in the bar tonight. You remember him from Bay Watch or what we liked to call it Wank Watch. Maybe he's a George Michael fan, or maybe is was meeting him in the toilet, who knows. Anyway he comes up to the bar and I say, hello David Hasselhoff what can I get you, he says please call me "Hoff". Sure no problem "Hoff". Whatever weirdo. So by the end of the night everybody in the bar is calling him "Hoff". "Hoff" this and "Hoff" that. I was actually getting a bit sick of this so when he comes up to the bar I say to him, so why do you want to be called "Hoff", what with all this "Hoff" bullshit. He says listen I don't want any Hassel !!!

See you all later and please tip your bartender!!!

I Swear You Can't Make This Shit Up.

I was telling these people in the bar one day how in Ireland the fish particularly the salmon are jumping out of the water. There is actually one place in County Kerry where if you lean over this bridge as the salmon are coming up the river, you can actually grab them out of the air, as they jump out of the water. So these two Polish guys overhear my conversation and they tell me they are actually stopping off in Ireland on there way to Poland next week, and they will go and try to catch some Salmon. I tell them exactly where this place is in Kerry. They leave and tell me they will be back in the bar in a few weeks and will tell me what happened.
So sure enough a few weeks go by and these two Polish guys come back into the bar. Here's their story, its priceless.
So we get to County Kerry in Ireland and we locate the bridge where the salmon are supposed to be. So I lean over the bridge while from friend holds my feet so I can get down low. So after about an hour my friend starts screaming and shouting, "Pull me up, pull me up", so I say to him, "Did you get a Salmon", "No " he says, " There's a train coming".
I swear you can't make this shit up.

People say to me all the time, "Oh with that accent you must get laid all the time", by the way you might have a point but I was not exactly a virgin when I came to New York. So in a way its not a compliment, what their actually saying is, if you didn't have an accent you wouldn't get laid you ugly fucker. Thanks people.
By the way I had a pop tart today, my doctor told me I have to eat more fruit- feeling Great.
Cheers for now and don't forget to tip your Bartender!!!

The New York Yankee's

Three baseball fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road, they stopped and discovered a nude female dead drunk. Out of respect and propriety, the Yankee's fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The cubs fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast.
Following their lead, but with some grumbling, the red sox fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.
The police were called and when the oficer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted the Yankee's cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes, next he lifted the cubs cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. The officer then lifted the red sox cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.
The red sox fan was getting upset and finally asked, what are you some kind of a pervert?, Why do you keep lifting and looking?, Well said the officer, I am simply surprised, normally when I look under a red sox cap, I find an arsehole !!!!

Went to the New York Yankee's baseball game today, D train right to Yankee stadium. I got talking to this man seating beside me today and beside him was an empty seat so I said to him its unusual to see an empty seat at a Yankee's game he said that he bought it for his wife but she died. I said to him that I was very sorry but could you not have given it to one of your friends or family members, he said their actually a very strange bunch, their all at the funeral. Talk about a die hard Yankee fan!!!

This reminds me I was at a funeral with my friend last month and they waked the person at his home, so we met up at a local bar before we were to go to the house. Well we drank maybe a bit to much, you know what funerals are like, anyway we arrive at the home a little late we go into the home and because we were so drunk that instead of knelling down at the coffin to pay our respects we knelled down at the piano. So I say, dead that he is, he sure had a great set of teeth and my friend says yes he did but he had a bad one here and there. We left and went right back to the bar.

I went with my girlfriend to the game today, I kissed her between the strikes and she kissed me between the balls.

The Edge the lead guitar player for the band u2 today donated his 1975 Gibson guitar to the New Orleans hurricane disaster fund, he said he wanted to give away something that he would miss, how about your house the people of New Orleans said.
That reminds me, Bono was doing a concert in his home town of Dublin recently and started clapping his hands and saying to the crowd, every time I clap my hands a person in Africa dies. Somebody shouted up from the crowd, well Bono, stop clapping your fucking hands then.
He also recently fell off the stage in Croke Park in Dublin, he fell over the Edge!!!!
Cheers for now, and remember to tip your bartender!!

Drinks

In a recent study, scientists believe that coffee can reduce the effects of alcohol on the liver, they say that two cups of coffee a day can as much as half the effects on the liver, today senator Ted Kennedy crashed into a Starbucks.

People love car bombs (half pint of Guinness and a half shot of baileys and Irish whiskey) and Jager bombs ( half pint of red bull and shot of jager ), you drop shot into pint and chug away, sound terrible but there gooood.

When did a Vodka and Cranberry turn into a Cranberry and Vodka, its like asking for Jelly and Peanut butter, its always been a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and always will, just as it will always be a Vodka and Cranberry, stop fucking with the drink ordering process people.

By the way has anyone noticed that beer is now cheaper than gas, so drink but don't drive.

Remember to tip your bartenders!!!

New Yorkers And Their Pets

As we all know us New Yorkers love our pets. Once in a while we have people come in to the bar with their pets, dogs, cats, gerbils,(we are very close to Chelsea), and so on. For me the only pets I can handle right now are goldfish. I named my goldfish number one and number two. When one died I had two!!

When it gets slow late at night and the kitchen is closed I don't mind when the locals bring their dogs in. I have this one man, lets call him Kevin, anyway he goes out every night to walk his dog and pops into the bar and has about four shots of vodka and then goes home to the wife, he always walks the dog. He was telling me one time that he had to leave town unexpectedly so his wife had to walk the dog. So she is walking the dog and as they go by the bar the dog makes a right and head straight for the front door of the bar all excited and barking for us to open the door. The dog ratted him out, so no more late night walking the dog for Kevin.

Another time this guy walks into the bar and says to this guy that has this dog sitting under his table, does your dog bite, no he says and the man goes to pat the dog on the back, just as he does this the dog takes a big bite out of his arm. The guy screams and shouts at the guy, I thought you said your dog doesn't bite, he says, that's not my dog!! Another time a guy says, is that Jack Russell's, no he says, its mine.

Stevie wonder came into the bar one night with his dog, picks his dog up by the tail and starts swinging it around his head. I say to him, Stevie what the fuck are you doing, he says, I'm just having a look around!! Did you ever see his wife....... Neither has he.

People please stop decorating your dogs. Stop putting these ridiculous outfits on your dogs. They are so embarrassed and they are already wearing a coat, they are born with one already on you sick fuckers. That reminds me, guys if your on a date don't get a doggy back, it makes you look like a little pussy. While your at it, you may as well as get your balls and put them in a doggy bag because you won't be needing them that night......... and your welcome.

Now go out and get yourself a nice cold beer and remember to tip your bartender!!!

I Love My Neighbors

So this pretty young girl walks into the bar and asks me for a martini. I make the martini and I go on doing my thing. I have never seen this girl in the bar before so I ask her has she ever been in the bar before, just really being welcoming to her. She tells me she just moved in to the high rise building across the street. She is sitting at the end of the bar and from our vantage point we can actually see her apartment her exact window across the street- fifth floor third window from the left as she so elegantly points out. Then she goes on to say I love to walk around the apartment naked and as you can see I never put curtains on my windows. I think we can all see where this is going. I make a few more drinks and another martini for our new neighbor. Well about two hours pass a little chit chat and she says to me, well I think its time for me to go home take off my cloths and call it a night. Don't forget where I live pointing up to her window across the street. I say nice talking to you hope to see you soon! I'm thinking I will be seeing her very soon and very naked. I keep saying to myself so I don't forget, fifth floor, third window from the left, fifth floor, third window from the left. I'm not some kind of a pervert but come on!!
So sure enough lights come on, fifth floor, third window from the left and our new neighbor appears. She starts to do a strip just for me as I watch from the bar across the street. So I open up a beer- I feel its appropriate, sit down and enjoy the show.

So thank you neighbor for the show and I didn't even have to tip her, but please always tip your bartender.

Good Advice?

There was this man at the bar last night and he says to me that his wife's not well. He says he brought his wife to the doctors office for a complete examination and they have narrowed it down to two things, his wife either having Alzheimer's disease or aids. He was obviously very worried and didn't know what to do. This is when the advice of the bartenders is critical.

So I say to the man, here's what you do. When your going home tonight with your wife, drop her off a few blocks from where you live, and if she makes it home don't fuck her!!!

That reminds me of another similar story. This man brings his wife to the doctors and the doctor examines his wife and says that his wife has Tom Jones-ism. The man is like, what!! Again the doctor says, I've examined your wife and she has Tom Jones-ism. So the man says to the doctor, is that rare, no the doctor says, but its not UNUSUAL.
He said his wife's was an angel, I said your lucky my wife is still alive.
Happiness is having a loving, close knit family in another country.

Cheers for now and remember to tip your bartender!!!

I'm a little sad

I just broke up with the girlfriend, but it was a good break up as break ups go, like we split the apartment in New York City in half, she got the inside. She used to say to me, "you remind me of the ocean" I would say "wet and wild" no she would say " you make me fucking sick'. We used to hold hands a lot, because if we ever let go we would probably fuckin kill each other.  The good thing about being married or being in a relationship is that when you go home, there is somebody there- the bad thing about being married or in a relationship is that when you go home, there is somebody there!!

Well I have been married twice, what can I say, I love wedding cake. The first wife died in a wishing well, I didn't know they worked.  No seriously the first wife died of eating poisoned mushrooms, the second wife died of a fractured scull, she wouldn't eat her mushrooms. Really my last wife died of V.D, my friend said to me, nobody dies of V.D, I said, they do when they give it to me. She actually talked through her nose because her mouth was worn out!!

I said to my girlfriend "were you faking it last night', no she said "I really was asleep"

People; don't fall in love with a heroin addict they have a lot of love but its all in vein.

A girl said to me that I don't have honest eyes, I'm like, I just want to sleep with you not borrow a thousand dollars.

I was in bed with my girlfriend the other night and she said she would like to try something different tonight, how about the 69, I said you want chicken and broccoli at 5am in the morning. That's the great thing about NYC you can always find a Chinese restaurant open, so we went down to wo hops on 17 Mott street in China town- open 24 hours.

I am actually selling a full set of Britannica encyclopedia's if anyone is interested, I don't need them any more girlfriend knows fuckin everything.

Talk to you all later, please remember to tip your bartender!!

Old People

We get a lot of older people in the bar from time to time. I love talking to older people and spending time with them. We are all getting older that's for sure, even me!!! We had the monthly chess meeting in the bar tonight in the back room. They are all older people and pretty dull to be honest with you. They have dinner in the back room and then talk and play chess, whoo hoo, how exciting. It takes them two hours to pass the salt.

You know when your getting old when you fall and nobody laughs. These people are so old that they remember when Elvis was alive the first time. You know your getting old when your toes out number your teeth, (that could be a southern red neck joke too) . This guy from the chess club said he went to give blood and they told him his blood type was discontinued. This guy said he remembered when casual sex meant no tie on, when safe sex was having the handbrake on in the car. His birth certificate was carved in stone.

Anyway, so I'm on my way home tonight in a taxi as it was raining, I only live a few blocks away and the taxi crashes into the back of another taxi. Well this little midget comes walking out of the taxi we just ran into, and my taxi drivers says to the little dwarf, which one are you, he says "well I'm not happy".

Talking about midgets and dwarfs, did you hear about the gay midget? he came out of the cupboard.

Cheers for now and remember to tip your bartender!!

Please Don't throw Bar Stools At Bartenders

Don't throw bar stools at bartenders? So last night these two guys and one girl walk into the bar at 330am and I can see by them they are pretty fucked up. Now I don't want somebody Else's headache, so what I usually say is, sorry guys I can't serve you, you've had too much but come back tomorrow and I will buy you a beer. This is when these drunk fucks usually say to themselves, a free drink tomorrow sounds good and they leave-like I'm ever or they will ever remember about the free drink tomorrow.
So anyway this scumbag picks up a bar stool and throws it right at me. I suppose he thought I said chairs instead of cheers!!
So I duck and miraculously the stool misses me and lands behind me and nothing breaks. Now I'm pissed off and I start to run around the bar to get to him. He runs out the doors like a fucking coward that he is, and I catch up to him about 10 feet outside the door, again he swings at me, I duck again for the second time and I put him to the ground. Lets just say he will not be coming around here again. Its funny how the loudest person in the bar is usually the weakest. On a personal note, thanks to all my friends at the bar that had my back and were and are always there for me.
Cheers to all my friends and family and don't forget to tip your bartender!!!

Happy St. Patrick's Day

Well happy St. Patrick's day everyone, here's to the wearing of the green, kiss me I'm Irish and all that shite. I actually enjoy St. Pats day, it's a crazy day but where I work I usually work by myself but on this day everybody works, all hands on deck, so in a way I can enjoy the holiday more. The music is loud and the green beer is flowing. What's the difference between an onion and a bagpipe? nobody cries when you chop up a bagpipe. Irish handcuffs, a beer in each hand.

On a sad note two Irish guys last night drowned in the Hudson River, they said they were trying to do the Riverdance!!

People this year can you please stop asking me do I know Pat Murphy from Dublin, I know I'm from Ireland but there are over six million in Ireland and most of them live in Dublin. Please don't say you would love to go to Ireland, its not like its the moon, its six hours away on a plane. Go to JFK Airport book a flight and go shithead, you will be there in no time. By the time this ridiculously boring conversation, that I'm having with you is over you will already be there. Its harder to go to the upper east side.

Happy St. Patrick's Day everyone, and please don't forget to tip your bartender!!!!

Smoking

As we all know you can't smoke in bars in New York City anymore, I personally think its a good Idea, but I can understand how you smokers might be pissed off.

Anyway, these two old lady's were smoking outside the bar one night and it started to rain and one lady pulled out a condom out of her pocket, cut the end of it off and rolled it over the cigarette, kinda like a cigarette rain coat, the lady beside her was amazed with this new invention.
She says to the other lady, how can I get one of those things. The other lady says, just go down to the local drug store and ask them for a packet of condoms. So the lady goes into the pharmacist at the drug store the next day and says, can I have a condom please. The pharmacist says, what kind and size do you want. The lady looking a little puzzled says, I'm not that sure really, once it fits over a Camel !!!!!!

By the way, how many condoms can you get out of a rubber tire, 365 if its a Goodyear !!

Cheers for now and remember to tip your bartender.

Girls!!!

As a bartender girls are everywhere, as I said in a earlier blog, bartending, its the most fun you can have with your pants on, sometimes off. Anyway I was home the other night with my girlfriend after a long hard night behind the bar. I went to bed and fell asleep right away. The next day my girlfriends starts complaining about my stamina and sexual drive in the sack. So I try to tell her that I was tired and that's all it was, nothing more nothing less. Well now I'm getting a bit paranoid so I ask this older man at the bar for some Viagra. The next night I take six Viagra and wash them down with five Red Bull's when I'm leaving the bar- anyway the funeral is next week!!!

Talking about Viagra, I was driving upstate New York a while ago and I get to one of those tolls, well I'm looking around for some change and I can't find any change anywhere, I reach into my pocket and I find a Viagra pill, I throw it into the change area, and the toll arm goes straight up. Well the next day I'm heading back to Manhattan and I'm going by the same toll and I notice the toll arm is still up!! That shit really works.

Another time I took one and it got stuck in my throat, I had a stiff neck for a week. To be honest I have never taken a Viagra, but the commercial really cracks me up. You know the commercial that says "if you have a hard on that lasts more than six hours please call your doctor. Listen people, if I have a hard on that lasts more than six hours I'm calling every girl I have ever known!!

While I"m "expressing" myself, did you ever see how many onion rings you can fit on your penis, you better let them cool off first but, I made that mistake.

I've been using anti wrinkle cream to look younger but they don't work, my balls still look all wrinkly and old looking.

Well I think that's enough "expressing" myself for now, good luck and cheers for now and remember to tip your bartender!!

New York Bartender

Vanna White you know from the television game show wheel of fortune came into the bar the other night, she is a very beautiful, and nice lady, but don't ask her about her show whatever you do. I suppose she must get sick of the same stupid questions, god knows I do. Anyway I asked her what her favorite letters were and she said, F and U or FU. How about that?

As you all know I'm a Bartender in Midtown, Manhattan, why do people tell me things that they think I might be remotely interested in. They tell me the most painful load of crap, how dare they think I could be interested in this shite. You know I can't get that ten minutes of my life back. Hey mister, I don't give a fuck about your kids piano lessons. We all love a good story but most of it is a load of crap, tell it to someone who cares, here's a quarter call someone who cares. I'm like a doctor , I should charge these fuckers by the minute. I was in the bathroom at the urinal and this drunk man comes in and started talking to me and then puts his hand around me. My rule in the toilet is simple, don't touch me when I'm touching me, that's simple right.
One night I was working, it's a slow night and I notice this guy walks into the bathroom and after about half and hour I notice he hasn't came out yet. So I walk in to the bathroom and he's just standing there, I say to him what are you doing, he says, I'm waiting for an employee to wash my hands, as he points to the sign on the wall "employees must wash hands". Do I have to say anything else? I don't think so

Thanks and cheers everyone and please tip your bartender!!

President George Bush

Congratulations to President Barack Obama. I think America is ready for a black President, well the last one was retarded so why not a black president. George Bush was in the Bar last night and looking to get laid. He asks this brunette girl at the bar, I'm the President of America how much would it cost me to spend some time with you? She replied, $200. Then he asks this red headed girl, the same question, and her reply was $100. Lastly he asks this blonde and she replies, Mr President, if you can get my skirt as high as my taxes, my pants as low as my wages, your dick as hard as the times we are living in, and keep it rising like the price of gas and screw me the way you have the people, then it won't cost you a fucking penny!!
My mother always used to say to me, never let the truth get in the way of a good story.
Cheers for now and please remember to tip your bartender.

Happy Presidents Day

Well the bar is closed today for Presidents day, its always nice to get an extra day off, so happy Presidents day everybody. God bless all. President George Bush said he really loves Presidents day, as he always looks forward to all the presents.

President Bush said every illegal immigrant coming to America should learn English, "if I was moving to Canada I would learn Canadian" way to go George!!! I am definitely getting audited this year. He was recently in England and he had to go in to hospital for an emergency circumcision, but the doctor said he would not be able to do the operation, as he said, there is no end to this prick. When having sex George Bush always has to be on the bottom as he can only fuck up.!!!
Vice President Dick Cheney said today that if everything goes well with the war in Iraq there will be 3 different countries, regular, unleaded, and supreme?

That reminds me of the night Monica Lewinsky came into the bar. So I ask her who will you be voting for in the upcoming Presidential elections. Will you be voting for Hillary Clinton, (don't get a head of me people), Barack Obama or John McCain. She said that she would be voting Republican as the Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth. So I guess its John McCain for President then, thanks Monica.

All good bartenders have jokes, here's one- President Bush, Pope Benedict, and Michael Jackson are on a plane and its going down and they only have 2 parachutes, the crew say to the Pope, we think you should be the first to take a parachute, you need to survive, the Pope says no, I can't, what about the children aboard the plane, President Bush says, fuck the children, and Michael Jackson says, do you think we have time?

Cheers everyone enjoy Presidents Day, God Bless America, and remember to tip your bartender.

The Westies?

This guy in the bar tonight threatens to shoot me. Its always the same the loudest person in the bar is usually the weakest. You should watch the quite guy in the corner he's the one that you need to watch. People that tell you they are in the mob or the Westies and are going to kill you usually don't.

Well it all started when this prick walked into the bar tonight and asks for a Heineken and a chilled shot of patron. Right away I don't like this person and my gut tell me he's no good. I give him the drinks and no thank you or please to be had. Then he says, put the college basketball game on but I tell him somebody is watching the knicks game already so I can't change the channel. I didn't want to change the channel any way for this prick. So with that he says put the fucking game on. Now I say listen wanker that TV is never going to be change now, get the fuck out of here. Here's where the fun starts; do you not know who your dealing with, I'm connected and your a dead man. I'm going to fucking shot you. Again he says, put the fucking game on, again I say, listen scumbag hell will freeze over before I change that TV channel, get the fuck out of here your a nobody just like me. So eventually he leave and then he starts calling up the bar saying he is going to shot me that he is waiting outside the doors, whatever I say you fucking loser. I for one can't put my hands on anyone, but I'm feeling like I want too. So he keeps calling as I can see his name on the caller I.d on the phone. A real Einstein, a real professional gangster. So he keeps calling saying do you not know who I am, I actually say, yes I know who you are your name and number are coming up on the caller Id. I'm the Westies, so fucking what I say. So then he walks into the bar and now I say fuck you this ends right now and as he is entering the bar I push him back out the door and into the garbage outside- a perfect place for this piece of shit. I walk back in the bar and sure enough dickhead starts calling again, but this time he has changed his tune. Now he want to sue me, he says you hurt me I'm going to sue. I say make your mind up, are you going to kill me or sue me, because its very hard to sue a dead guy, and I hang up. Again a few minutes go by and again he calls up but this time I just laugh at him and I hand it to an off duty police officer in the bar and he says to this tough guy, listen what your doing right now is verbal harassment punishable up to a year in jail, I have your name and number from the caller ID and if you don't stop calling we will personally go to New Jersey and grab you out of your house by your balls and you will pay. Now the tough guy starts balling crying saying how sorry he is and all he wanted was for the bartender to put the game on- what a scumbag loser.

Unfortunately these things happen only once in a while- we all need a good laugh now and again, and please don't forget to tip your bartender.

Why Did You Call Me A CUNT

This girl comes in late last night and right of the bat I know this girl is trouble. She starts shouting orders at me, no please or thank you in site. She spills her drink all over the bar and demands me to clean it up right away. Then she demands I make her a new drink no charge, again no please or thank you anywhere. I say I did not spill your drink so if you want another one you will have to pay for it. She starts screaming obsenities at me, so I say, listen cunt get the fuck out of my bar. World war three starts there and then, she starts screaming, fuck you, why did you call me a cunt, I have three degrees and make ten times what you make, fuck you. I say, you might be right but your still a cunt, get the fuck out. Again she starts screaming grabing people at the bar, why did you call me a cunt, why did you call me a cunt. Listen, people think that the word cunt is a bad word. Well its not, its just a word, women in particular you need to get over the word cunt and any other "so called" bad words.  It was America who ruined the word cunt. They think it is some kind of derogatory term for a vagina, or someone who had a vagina, but it has never been that in Ireland where I hail from.  In Ireland and most of the world the word cunt is happy and cheery, like fuckin brilliant and shite. You know the work cunt comes from the latin word cuinty, meaning barron place. So let it go everyone. And where I come from the word cunt is used so much, that in many ways it is used to complement someone, for example, she's a funny cunt, I like that cunt, he's a cool cunt. So again let it go, only then will it become just four letters. Go rent a Lenny Bruce dvd, he was the master of comedy!!

Cheers cunts, tip your bartender!!!

The Homeless

I was on the subway the other day with a big bag of change on my way to the coin star machine at Commerce bank on 42ND and 9Th avenue when I realized it was not a good idea. Whats the last thing you want to see on the way to cash in change at the local bank?. That's right homeless people, because of the cold weather right now all the homeless people are in the subways trying to keep warm. Everywhere I went I heard the same thing, any spare change, and me with a big bag of change. By the time I got to the bank I had no spare change, God bless the homeless.

Quick story, Abdul and Paddy are beggars outside Port Authority Bus Station on 42ND street. Abdul has a Mercedes car, a large house in the suburbs and loads of money. Paddy has fuck all. Abdul's begging hat is always overflowing with money, Paddy's has a few coins in it. "How do you do it", asked Paddy. "Look at your sign", says Abdul. Paddy reads his sign. "Out of work and wife and six kids need support". Then he reads Abdul's. "I only need another $10 to get back to Afghanistan".

Actually I only date homeless people these days, because when the date is over you can drop them off anywhere.

A homeless man asked me, can I have $300 for a cup of coffee, I told him, coffees a dollar, he said, yeah, but I want to drink it in Brazil.

Another one came up to me saying, I haven't eaten in two days, I said, you should really force yourself. That was for the other smart fucker.

The homeless can be very funny and imaginative and when they are you got to give it up I think. There's this one homeless guy, Richie, that comes into the bar late at night, that I would hope is a friend, helps me out if I need anything. He usually hangs out around the entrance to the Lincoln Tunnel with a big sign saying, lets do lunch, you pay. Pretty funny right.

Good luck and stay warm, and tip the homeless if you can, especially Richie!!!!

Have you seen my gun!!

That something a bartender never wants to hear, have you seen my gun. I suppose nobody wants to hear that. Well that's the question I got last night New Years Eve.

So its about 2am the morning after New Years Eve, the bar is jammed, everyone is having a great time, all is running smoothly, not one arsehole in the crowd and that's amazing for this night. The cops start showing up after the Time Square festivities, all is good. Its five deep at the bar but thank God everyone is pretty much served, all beers and Whiskey shots. No dickheads ordering Alabama Slammers, Martini's or Lemon drops.

Then I get the question, have you seen my gun. What I say, hoping I'm not understanding the question, have you seen my gun he repeats, No I say.  As I finally look up to see who is asking me this question it makes total sense now.  Its my good friend, let call him Mickey the cop.  Now I know he is telling the truth as its not the first time we have had "issues" with his gun.  I have put a few holes in the ceiling of the bar over the years with his gun, fired his gun out the window of his unmarked police car, (pissing off the highway cops), while on our way to an after hours bar, with a case of beer, bottle of whiskey between my knees and two hookers in the back.  Thats a whole other story.  Well I suppose we better look for it, right, I say to Mickey. So I get the torch out, don't announce to the bar what we are looking for, for obvious reasons and as secretly as we can, we begin the search for the elusive gun. I'm shining the light between the many legs, underneath table and chairs, all we find is pieces of glass, some dirty napskins, empty bottles and a couple of indescribable items, the usual stuff. I would not be surprised if I find a few guns, handcuffs and nightsticks in this bar, well not tonight, no luck so far. Most people are too drunk to notice what we are doing. So far, nothing at the bar or restaurant area, last chance the bathrooms, again no sign. So I go into the last stall to go to the toilet and low and behold what do I find. Its a gun, a silver shinny nine gage Smith and Weston, right in the middle of the bowl- working in this bar you become very knowledgeable of the many types of guns. Well I hope it is a gun or somebody has some serious problems. So I flag down the owner of the turd gun and I come up with the idea of putting it in the safe until the morning. He's like, sounds good if not just bring it home, I'll see you later, give us a beer will ya, thanks.

Well Happy New Year everyone, and don't forget your guns and to tip your bartender.