Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Its cold in the city tonight

Its so cold tonight in New York City that the hookers in Time Square were blowing on soup. Its so cold I seen one guy rubbing the Olsen twins together to start a fire.
On cold nights like these I always try to go and look for my homeless friend Richie. He lives on west 36Th street in the back of a parking lot behind two dumpsters, in a box. I usually bring him some food that is left over from our kitchen, or a coat that has been in the lost and found, too long. I microwaved it (the food that is) but by the time I get there its pretty cold but its food right. I get to 36Th street and I shout into the back of the lot for Richie, "you around Richie, you there". He always comes out smiling he always has a good outlook on things, really puts everything into perspective. Richie comes into the bar from time to time usually late in the evening with a hand full of coins that he has collected throughout the night. He maybe has a couple of dimes and a few quarters and says, "can I have ten dollars for this", usually at least five dollars short- smart little fucker, but I like him. He tells me how he would rather be on the street, as he says, "no worries or bills on the street", but on nights like these I don't think so. Lets hope Richie makes it, even if its just tonight.
He says this all the time and I also hear this from people at the bar; "Live everyday like its your last".  I'm all for that idea.  I even tried it one day, however I wouldn't recommend it.  One Tuesday a few months ago, I woke up, quit my job, shagged my girlfriends sister and kicked a cop in the arse.   Wednesday rolled around, to my surprise and disappointment; I had no job, no girlfriend and was in jail.  One good thing I got a new girlfriend called Bubba.

As I always say don't forget to tip your bartender but on cold nights like these where the difference between life and death could be a few dollars to a homeless guy, please give them to Richie- Peace.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Pope Benedict- Holy Shit!!

Pope Benedict is believed to have gotten the bird flu, they think he might have got it from one of the Cardinals. Now we have the swine flu but there is something even more serious than that- the turtle flu. Its coming slowly but its coming, just wait and see.

There was this priest in the bar last night, local priest, bit of a prick to be honest. I recently went into see him as I am the godfather of my friends baby and I was introducing myself for the upcoming christening. Well to make a long story painful, he made me feel about as welcome as a fart in a spaceman's suit. Did you know that you now have to register to go to mass. Its turning into the department of motor vehicles. Well, this is what this messenger of God said to me- who knew, I wonder will it involve a donation? At the risk of over sharing- did you know that black people invented the dept. of motor vehicles.  It was to get white people back for slavery. Fair enough!!

So anyway he comes into the bar last night and asks me for a glass of wine, so I give him a glass of water and told him to make it himself. Now before you get upset with me he did make me feel earlier about as welcome as a black man at a k.k.k meeting. So were really busy and there are no tables available for dinner so he's getting a bit annoyed at the wait. I say to him, you will get the next table. Well every 2 minutes he keeps asking me, is the table ready, is the table ready, like a kid asking his parents if there, there yet. So I say to him, if you like you can register for a table, with that he storms out all pissed off. I thought one of the things you need as a priest is patience and a sense of humor, unfortunately he had neither.

The catholic church are cock tickling their way into bankruptcy. You can't really blame the priests because a lot of them started out as altar boys and got sucked into it.

Religion is all about recognition. The Jews don't recognise the Palestinians as the settlers of Jerusalem. The Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christians, and the Mormons cult, don't recognize each other in hooters.  By the way, don't fuck with the Jews, they cut the tops off their own penises, imagine what they will do to yours!!!

That reminds me, these two priests were having dinner together at the bar the other night and I didn't know whether to send them over a bottle of wine or a cub scout!! I think I'm going to hell for that one.
While I'm going to hell- a priest, a rapist and a pedofile walk into the bar- that was just the first guy!!

Remember tip your bartender!!