Saturday, May 17, 2008

New Yorkers And Their Pets

As we all know us New Yorkers love our pets. Once in a while we have people come in to the bar with their pets, dogs, cats, gerbils,(we are very close to Chelsea), and so on. For me the only pets I can handle right now are goldfish. I named my goldfish number one and number two. When one died I had two!!

When it gets slow late at night and the kitchen is closed I don't mind when the locals bring their dogs in. I have this one man, lets call him Kevin, anyway he goes out every night to walk his dog and pops into the bar and has about four shots of vodka and then goes home to the wife, he always walks the dog. He was telling me one time that he had to leave town unexpectedly so his wife had to walk the dog. So she is walking the dog and as they go by the bar the dog makes a right and head straight for the front door of the bar all excited and barking for us to open the door. The dog ratted him out, so no more late night walking the dog for Kevin.

Another time this guy walks into the bar and says to this guy that has this dog sitting under his table, does your dog bite, no he says and the man goes to pat the dog on the back, just as he does this the dog takes a big bite out of his arm. The guy screams and shouts at the guy, I thought you said your dog doesn't bite, he says, that's not my dog!! Another time a guy says, is that Jack Russell's, no he says, its mine.

Stevie wonder came into the bar one night with his dog, picks his dog up by the tail and starts swinging it around his head. I say to him, Stevie what the fuck are you doing, he says, I'm just having a look around!! Did you ever see his wife....... Neither has he.

People please stop decorating your dogs. Stop putting these ridiculous outfits on your dogs. They are so embarrassed and they are already wearing a coat, they are born with one already on you sick fuckers. That reminds me, guys if your on a date don't get a doggy back, it makes you look like a little pussy. While your at it, you may as well as get your balls and put them in a doggy bag because you won't be needing them that night......... and your welcome.

Now go out and get yourself a nice cold beer and remember to tip your bartender!!!

Thursday, May 1, 2008

I Love My Neighbors

So this pretty young girl walks into the bar and asks me for a martini. I make the martini and I go on doing my thing. I have never seen this girl in the bar before so I ask her has she ever been in the bar before, just really being welcoming to her. She tells me she just moved in to the high rise building across the street. She is sitting at the end of the bar and from our vantage point we can actually see her apartment her exact window across the street- fifth floor third window from the left as she so elegantly points out. Then she goes on to say I love to walk around the apartment naked and as you can see I never put curtains on my windows. I think we can all see where this is going. I make a few more drinks and another martini for our new neighbor. Well about two hours pass a little chit chat and she says to me, well I think its time for me to go home take off my cloths and call it a night. Don't forget where I live pointing up to her window across the street. I say nice talking to you hope to see you soon! I'm thinking I will be seeing her very soon and very naked. I keep saying to myself so I don't forget, fifth floor, third window from the left, fifth floor, third window from the left. I'm not some kind of a pervert but come on!!
So sure enough lights come on, fifth floor, third window from the left and our new neighbor appears. She starts to do a strip just for me as I watch from the bar across the street. So I open up a beer- I feel its appropriate, sit down and enjoy the show.

So thank you neighbor for the show and I didn't even have to tip her, but please always tip your bartender.