Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Morrissey In town tonight

All you Irish and British fans of the smiths, (English man with an Irish heart), will love the return of Morrissey to NY tonight and through the week in one of New York's hippiest and coolest venues the Manhattan Center / Hammerstein ballroom.

Great night tonight at the bar, good crowd with little incidents, loads of tips.

Sometimes I just don't get people, a bunch of people come into the bar at around 345am and ask me for a round of drinks and I oblige them, a couple of pints of beer and a few shots. They pay by credit card and don't leave me a tip, which is fine by me, honestly!!!! Now its about 405am and the guy that just stiffed me asks me for another round after closing time. You want to stay after 4am and give you another round of drinks and you didn't give me a tip, you must be completely fucked in the head. Listen your the first to go arsehole. People want another drink after closing time and you don't tip me, what are you a complete moron, seriously you would have to be, I just don't get people some times.

That reminds me, a man comes into the bar with just a head, he says its his son who was born without a body. He says its his sons 21Th birthday so drinks for everyone. All of a sudden after he helps his son drink his body appears and now his son has a complete body, arms and legs the whole nine yards -its a miracle!!! So they decide to celebrate and have another drink but this time it has the opposite affect and his son turns back into just a head again, the arms and legs disappear and he is once again just a head, so I say to him, " you should have quit while you were ahead " Cheers

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

New York Yankee's Lose

Earlier this week the New York Yankee's lost in the first round of the baseball playoffs to the Cleveland Indians, the Yankee's and their fans are obviously very sad, and disappointed, but not as sad as the Cleveland Indians as now they have to go back to Cleveland.

By the way, why do Mets fans hate the Yankee's so much. I was working behind the bar during the Yankee's Indians series and there were about ten guys at the end of the bar and they were all routing for the Cleveland Indians, so I say to them are you all from Cleveland because its New York City so you get a lot of tourists, and they say, no were from Queens, what a bunch of jealous wankers, wouldn't you think if you were from Queens, New York you would route for your local New York team against a bunch of fuckin Indians.
There's this Met fan who can't stop masturbating so he goes to the doctors and says, every time I finish masturbating I sing the Mets song, the doctor says don't worry, thousands of wankers sing that song. See you next season, Losers!!!

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Porn Stars

I met this porn star at the bar the other day and she said to me that she wanted to go out with me, so I asked her when she was available. She said she was working Tuesday and Wednesday, so how about Thursday, I said how about Monday!!!!!

My friend Joe is a bit of a sick fucker, he told me the other night that he recently bought a blow up doll, as he was not having much luck recently with the ladies. The clerk at the sex shop asks him, do you want a christian or muslin doll, he asks the clerk, whats the difference, the muslin doll blows itself up.!! He said that he only blows it up half way so it makes him feel like he's sleeping with a supermodel, told you he was a sick fucker.

He said to me that he asked his girlfriend to try the missionary position. His girlfriend said whats that position, he says, I stay here and you fuck off to Africa. He said he had sex with a female clown, she twisted his penis into a poodle dog. I think I should quite after that one, good luck for now.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Is New York City Really Safe

Two skinheads were arrested last night in New York City by local police in Time Square, one swallowed battery acid and the other one ate fireworks. The police charged one and let the other one off.
The police station in midtown south on 35th street was broken in to, and all the toilet seats were stolen, when asked about the break in the police captain said " we have nothing to go on".
A polish man was stabbed 52 times in the back last night outside a city cafe, the police said it was the worst case of suicide they have ever seen.
So are we really safe, I will let you make up your own mind. Personally that makes me feel about as safe as a gerbil in a Chelsea pet shop window!!!! Be safe, relax and have a beer.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007


There's this guy that comes into the bar once in a while maybe once a week. He's well over 300 pound, for you Europeans around 22 stone, either way he's a fat fucker, more chins than a Chinese phone book, wherever he is sitting he's sitting beside you. He had a threesome last night and he was all by himself. Well he has a big coke problem its pretty clear to see, how can you be fat and have a coke problem, what is he snorting sugar. I heard that he did so much cocaine that he got a personal hand written thank you letter from Pablo Escobar. I have to admit I tried it once but I got the bottle stuck up my nose!!!! By the way, any rectal drugs, that would be handy, you could hide them and take them at the same time- just a taught

Did you know that Osama Bin Laden at one time wanted to poison all the cocaine and heroin that came from Afghanistan to American,(as almost all the worlds heroin comes from their). So let me see, Bin Laden wanted to kill all the coke and heroin addicts in America, oh how would we ever get over that, killing all the drug addicts in America, how would we ever get over the loss of all them wonderful stand up people.

Brittany Spears

So Brittany Spears just lost custody of her two young kids, here's my question, who got custody of Brittany Spears, she the one that needs real help, god bless you Brittany and good luck.

Quiet night in the bar tonight but a very eventful ending. So I'm walking out of the bar and its obviously dark so I'm always looking around when leaving the bar, and out of nowhere this guy comes towards me so I think to myself fuck this is not good because as a bartender you always have a few dollars on you. As he comes towards me he stops about two feet away from me and says " do you want a blow job", I was never so relieved if you know what I mean, I thought I was about to get robbed and this guy says "do you want a blow job". I say, get the fuck out of here you sick fuck and he says to me this time, "I will swallow" like now I was going to say well OK then. You never know who or whats out there in the night in New York City.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

On Vacation

Just Back from Vacation (holiday), I was actually back in my hometown city for a week. Its kind of strange sleeping in the room where I grow up in again. This room is really small, I don't know how myself and my five brothers ever slept in this room together, there is barely enough room for me now. I used to sleep in the same bed with two of my brothers, and both of them used to wet the bed. I learned how to swim by the time I was three. My mother used to say to me what part of the bed would you like to sleep in and I would say the shallow end please. When I would wake up there would be a rainbow at the end of the bed. She used to tell me that everyday was my birthday, however I found out after, it was only to hide her addiction to cakes and balloons.

We were kinda poor when we were going up as you can probably see, my mother would send me down to the local butchers shop and tell me to ask them for a sheep's head (they were cheap), and tell the butcher to leave one of the legs on, or tell him to leave the eyes in, as it has to see us through the week.

I would get hand me down cloths from all my older brothers and sister, all the cloths they had grown out of, I remember getting hand me down pants from my older brother one time, he was six foot two and I was five foot one, I had to open my fly to blow my nose, I remember wearing the same dress as my teacher, mind you, I think he was more embarrassed than I was.

My parents didn't have enough money to buy me a new suit for my confirmation, so my father bought me a new cap and told me to look out the window, but you know what, we were happy!!!