Back in the Big Apple

Well back in New York City again, sometimes you have to leave NY to realize how amazing, and how much I miss this city. I remember the first time I came to NY, I got a bus from JFK airport to Port Authority bus station on 42nd in Manhattan. So I ask this man outside the bus station where's 34Th and 9Th avenue and he says "go fuck ya self", I was like, yes I have arrived, this is my kind of town. So I eventually start walking downtime and I notice all these religious, Jesus freaks. They are everywhere in Manhattan especially around the bus stations, with their religious speeches and their big crosses everywhere, nothing for nothing, if Jesus comes back to save us all, I think the last thing he wants to see is a cross.

That reminds me, there's a catholic priest and a rabbi outside a deli one day, along comes a young boy walking by and the priest says "how about we grab this kid and screw him" and the rabbi says "out of what". A Priest, a Rapist and a Pedophile walk into a bar....... that was just the first guy!!!!!! I know everyone, I'm going straight to hell for that one, well as my dad would say, Its only a joke.

Drug Testing

Busy at the bar last night, chemical brothers in the Manhattan Center, go check them out they are brilliant. Tips were great and pretty hassle free.

The reason for the headline (drug testing), is because my buddy that is a janitor in the neighborhood just got fired for failing a drug test. Drug tests are good and should be done I think, but do we have to drug test a janitor. Whats the worst thing he's going to do- drop the mop, listen if your 35 years of age and your a janitor you should be able to smoke a joint.

I heard the worst pick up line last night at the bar. You must work in a lumber yard because you've been giving me the wood all night!!!!

Please don't bang on the bar if you want a drink, I don't go to Mcdonald and bang on your counter when I want a Big Mac. By the way whats the deal with Mcdonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't insert "Mc' before the item you are ordering.... It has to be a McChicken sandwich, just a chicken sandwich gets blank looks. Well I'll have a Mcstraw and jam it in your McEyes you fucking McTosser.

Jimmy Buffet in the garden last night

If you all didn't know by my blogger name "newyorkcitybartender", I am actually a bartender in New York City, the big apple. Jimmy Buffet in the garden tonight, great night lots of fun. I never made so many Margarita's as I did tonight, those parrot heads sure like their margarita's on the rocks, straight up, with salt, either way they lapped them up, it was worth the hassle as the tips were good at the end of the night-5am. There an older crowd so they are all pretty well behaved except for this french lad, what an arrogant little shit. I don't want to pick on the french with the old stereotype but it seems some of them think they are so above everyone else and this guy was tiny. Well pal no wonder you have never won a war when you name your cities Toulouse. Talk about a napoleon complex he was so short that when I asked him for his I.D, in the photo you could see his feet. I said to him what was the last women you were inside- the statue of liberty.

I hate these people who always come up to me and say where are you from, I tell them I'm from Ireland and they say I'd love to go there, well what the fuck are you waiting for, there's 10 flight a day mate, its easier to go to Ireland than to get to the upper east side from the west side. Just go to the airport and go, by the time this stupid, boring conversation is over you will be there. I have one guy that comes in maybe twice a week for the last few years and every time he comes in he says I'd love to go, what the fuck are you waiting for, get in a taxi, go to the airport, buy a ticket and you will be there in no time and stop telling me how much you want to go, you prick.

Then other people come to me and say, my friend was in Ireland last week, do you think I give a shit, then they say to me, with that accent you must get laid all the time in New York, its kind off a back handed compliment, I say, well I wasn't exactly a virgin in Ireland.
Thanks I feel better now. See you later now go down to your local watering hole and have yourself a margarita- its on me.

Conversations Overheard At The Bar

Three Doctors are discussing their countries medical achievements. German doctor says " We can take a kidney out of a man and put it in another man, and he will be up and looking for work in six months". English doctor says, "We can take a lung out of a man and put it in another and he will be up and looking for work in five months". Then an American doctor says, we can take an Arsehole out of Texas and put him in charge of the country and we will all be out of work in no time".
Cheers for now and please tip your Bartender!!!

When You Got To Go, You Got To Go!!!

Its been a rough week drinking and again I find myself in this strange apartment drunk again. This time I wake up in this dark room needing to go to the bathroom quick, I'm not talking I can hold it in for a few minutes, I mean my arse is going to sneeze any second now, I mean do farts have lumps. So I'm like were is the fuckin door but all I see is a window so I pull across the curtain to let some light in this dark, disgusting room, and it is there and then that I have to go. I barely get the window open before I launch my arse out the window before my arse sneezes out the window, should not have had all those car bombs. So I'm sitting there with my arse out this strangers window relieved and wondering now, how I'm I going to wipe my arse and get the fuck out of here as quickly as possible, don't get a head of me people, so I wipe my arse on these lovely white curtains that are still in my hand. I obviously got out of there as quickly as possible and for a strange reason I have never seen her again, but chances are I would probably not recognize her anyway.

I went straight home showered up and went back to work. What will happen tonight? By the way don't forget to tip your bartenders especially me, as I had to buy some more underwear and I could do with the cash, Cheers

China Town

I'm talking to this girl Nina at the bar and before we know it, its 4am and we are the only one's left in the bar, the cash is done and we want to party some more. So I have the bright idea to head down to Wo Hops on Mott street in China Town for some chinese food and green beers and I also remember she lives close by in China Town. Its raining outside and for some reason there are no cabs to be had, so I decide, I have a friends car parked up the road so why don't I drive down. We arrive at 17 mott street about 20 minutes later park the car outside and chow down some szechuan chicken and a couple of green beers. If you ever go there ask for chang he will wip you up something special.

So we walk a few blocks to Nina'a apartment go up a few floors to her apartment. We have a couple shots of Patron and before we know it were in the sack. So were getting into it and Nina whispers in my ear, "do you want to tie me up, I really like it" sure why not, what was I surposed to say. She reaches under the bed and pulls out some ropes. I tie her up and all is cool and after about an hour I notice that it is almost 8am and I remember that I must move my friends car that I parked a few blocks away or else it will be towed. So I say to Nina that I will be right back I need to move the car. I start to remove the ropes from around her arms and legs and she says, just leave it, it will be kind of sexy to leave me here, because now you have to come back and rescue me like a sex slave. So of I go in search of the car. I eventually find it and move it across the street about two block away because its alternate side parking day in New York. So I am now heading back to Nina's to free my sex slave when I realize I have no idea where her apartment is now. Everything looks the same right now and I am now starting to panic. Then after about 45 minutes I think I have located the apartment building, I hope, and now I am trying to remember the apartment number, so I just press every button on the panel. I get a lot of fuck offs I assume in chinese until some one comes out of the building. I pretend I live there and walk right in after this person walks out. Now I am trying again to remember what apartment it is again and whether I am actually in the right building. I start shouting out her name and again I get a lot of fuck offs and shut the fuck up, I think. Then I also remember that even if she hears me how is she going to open the door if she is tied up. We really didn,t plan this out too good did we, I just hope she has a room mate.

Well to make a long story short and painfull I had to abandon my search for Nina and her apartment. I hope your ok. In case you are wondering I did see her after so she is fine, well I think it was her, but as you know they all look alike.!!!

Cheers for now, tip your bartender.

Bubbles, one of my favorite customers

I call him bubbles because he always ordered champagne, looked like Jack Nicholson, is full of life, and is just a cool mother fucker. Always love to see Johnny bubbles come into the bar. So Bubbles have been coming in the bar a few months now, so he comes in later than normal this night and says to me, I'm celebrating, champagne for everyone. He continues to tell me that he is having a party and would love me to attend. Actually he says you fucking better attend, so with an invitation like that I head up to park avenue around 5oth street. I go in what looks like an office building and I tell the man at the door my name and he says please sir go right ahead he is expecting you, I love Johnny bubbles.
Well the elevator opens up and the first thing I see are three naked Asian ladies playing pool. So bubbles comes out from one of the rooms, smiling for ear to ear, with two girls with him and a glass of champagne for me- what else. Please he says enjoy everything. Then I see that the Asian ladies are not playing pool at all but are actually using the pool table to do cocaine off it, like Scarface, what a party. Well that's all I can say for now and by the way did I tell you, "I love Johnny Bubbles".

Another girlfriend Gone?

So my girlfriend decided about a month ago to go back home to Ireland, oh well have a nice trip I will miss ya. So about a week after she left she called me to say that see missed me but would be back when her college year was over. She says to me that she wanted me to send her a dildo as they are "hard" to find in Galway, Ireland. She told me to send it to her mothers house in Waterford as she would be back there in a week for a few weeks during her break from college. So the next day I go to the pink pussy cat on west 4Th street, in the Greenwich village and purchase the dildo- that's a whole other story, for the next blog. I get a big green dildo, (I am Irish you know), and post it off to Waterford, Ireland, a small village on the south east side of Ireland about 100 miles south of Dublin.
About a week after I send it I get an amusing call from my girlfriend Helen. She says I forgot to tell you that my mothers name is also Helen- I think you can see where this is going. So she says to me; my mother goes to get the post the other day and notices a box with her name on it sent all the way from America. Her mother says, oh this is nice it must be from my sister in New York. So what a surprise she got when she opened the box. My girlfriend Helen has told me that her mother has not left her bedroom for two weeks,  and her husband couldn't be happier. Now that's a great end to a story isn't it- when everybody is happy, well two out of three is not to bad-poor Helen.

Well back to the bar and don't forget to tip your bartender but please no dildo's!!

Bloody Mary

So I start out in the bar working nights and weekend, there hard shifts particularly the weekend shifts. So I work Sunday brunch, in America they love their brunch, back in Dublin we love our pints of Guinness, here they love their brunch, not sure who's right. Anyway I've been doing this brunch shift for about six months now, its kind of a graduation of the bartending thing. So I graduate and now I have the weekends off. In the bar trade if you are a Monday to Friday bartender with the weekends off you have graduated, you have made it as a bartender!! So I come in to the bar on a Sunday to enjoy my day off with my friends. I order a bloody mary which I have probably made a few thousand over the six months that I have worked those shifts. So I notice that the weekend bartender puts vodka in the bloody mary, what an amateur. I say to him way are you putting vodka in a bloody mary, he says, vodka is suppose to go into it, no its not I say- the graduate bartender says. Again he says, vodka and bloody mary mix goes into a bloody mary. At this stage I notice that the owner of the bar is seated across from me laughing his ass off. I say to him, for the last six months all I have put into a bloody mary is bloody mary mix, which for new comers means no booze. He looks at me and says, I love you, you are hired- again. One hundred precent profits for the boss when I work.

With that in mind, please tip you bartender!!