The Bar Loser

Working in a popular bar, you always have a "Bar Loser". If you don't know what I'm talking about, you are that loser. You know the person that always makes excuses about everything. The person that can never pay his tab in full, ever. He's always saying, here's twenty dollars take that off my tab. Like Norm from Cheers. He always has a sure thing at the bookies. Comes in to the bar with the horse racing part of the paper under his arm and the bookies pencil behind his ear. In my bar lets call him Joe, this guy is such a loser that when he goes to the track the teller gives him his ticket already torn up. However, for some strange reason, God takes care of drunks and fools, so were all going to be just fine.

Can I have a greyhound, what are you too fuckin cool to ask for a vodka and grapefruit- dickhead. I always charge these fucking snobs more. I hate when people come into the bar, I look at them, say hi, what can I get you, and they look at me like I'm speaking Chinese. People what do you think I just asked you, you came in to a bar, I'm the bartender behind the bar and I say something, I wonder what I could be possibly saying. Tell me what you want so I can move on and get another drink for someone else nob head; thanks a lot.

Some people must think the bar is in a lighthouse, I got a call the other night and the person said to me, "is the coast clear"!! that's weird right. Other people must think I sell drugs because the other night I got a call and the person on the phone said to me, "Is that dope gone yet". You must be really drunk when you get pulled over by the coast guards.

This Afghanistan man came in to the bar and asked me if I could recommend a good port, I said, Yup, Newark, New Jersey- piss off!! Its only a joke.

Cheers for now, tip your bartender

Ways To get a Bartender's Attention and keep it!!

Ways to get a Bartenders attention and keep it.

Catch his eye- a bartender is always looking up to see who needs what- and then gesture. Don't yell, snap your fingers or whistle, he's not a dog- good luck getting a drink after that. I had this one shithead whistle at me the other night and I'm like, is there a dog in here. Then I left to look for it, and never came back to the dog whistler.

Know what you want to drink before the bartender asks. If you're ordering for other people, also know what they want.  There's nothing worse than when your busy and you ask somebody what you can get them and they look at you like your speakin chinese- unless there chinese ofcourse. Why don't you call me up tomorrow and I'll tell you what shoes to wear.  Make a fuckin decision will ya.

If you're ordering for other people, please have everyone's money in hand, ready to pay, so the bartender doesn't have to wait, and don't be a cheap prick, pay for them yourself. The less time you take the more time I have to serve others and make more tips. Its a numbers game.

If you want a specific brand, ask for it by name. Also, give the spirit name first, "cranberry vodka" is different from "vodka and cranberry". Its like peanut butter and jelly, its not jelly and peanut butter.

If you know you'll be coming back for another round and you're paying with a credit card, leave the tab open so the bartender doesn't have to run through new charges when you return.

Believe me, if you do these things the bartender will remember you, you will get served right away, and he might even buy you a drink or a round. If the bartender is good, (like me) next time you come up to the bar, you will just have to say, "same again" and he will give you the same round again.

How to tip appropriately.

$1 a drink is fine, but if you're running a tab, leave 20 percent of the total, as you would if you were dining.
Don't tell the bartender you'll, "Get him later." What that means to him is, "Get him never," and he'll be slower to come back to you when you want your next round- he might never come back.
If a bartender finds you attractive, he may give you a free drink.  You should still tip him, even if the house isn't charging you.
Don't punish the bartender because you think the drinks are too expensive.  He didn't set the price, and you've chosen to drink them.  Nobody got rich stiffing bartenders and not tipping.
Please don't leave loose change on the bar as a tip.  Round up in dollar increments.  Bartenders don't like to hear their tips.

Cheers and please always tip your bartender.

Brunch

Just back from brunch, what a treat, you know we men that is, would all rather get up early on Sunday and go to brunch, rather than sleep in, wake up late and watch football. I'm sitting there with my girlfriend and all her friends, paying $18 for eggs, listening to conversations about shopping, flowers and candles. How about after brunch we go to a candle shop, oh can we, please, I'm so happy. Do you ever just want to flip the whole fuckin table over?

After brunch we walked down the west side walkway along the water. Now I like this, your right beside the Hudson river and when the sun is shining it reflects right off the water- beats bloody brunch. It is absolutely beautiful and full of walkers, runners and roller bladders.  By the way, whats the hardest thing about roller blading? Telling your family your gay. Have fun and have a drink on me- cheers!!

Don't forget, please tip your bartender.

Central Park: The Eighth Wonder Of The World?

Being a Bartender in New York City is amazing. Its the most fun you can have with your pants on, sometimes off. I will continue to do it until I stop enjoying it. However like every job there are times when its difficult and stressful. That is way I love to go to Central Park, in the heart of New York City. If its only for an hour once in a while, for me its like a mini holiday. Its my NYC shrink, and costs a lot less. A big couch in the middle of the city. Central Park is like the heart that beats New York City for me. I like to run, and for me there is no place like Central Park. By the way, talking about exercising and all that; is there a rule that the older you are at the gym the more naked you need to be- just a thought.  Anyway, once you enter the park everything slows down and gets so tranquil. The energy is high, exciting and it pulls you in. The park is over 150 years old, over 80% is below street level, over 800 acres, first public park built in America, and the perimeter is over six miles long from 59Th street to 110 street. By the way, whats the hardest thing about rollerblading? Telling your parents your gay!!  Thats for all those male rollerblade fuck heads that fly all over the place and continually get in my way.  The women are cool !!!

There are so many points of interest, I could not possibly mention them all, and to be honest I don't want to share them all as I want them all to myself. But here's a few, go see John over by the plaza at 59Th street on the south east corner of the park. He is a real character, look for him and romeo- his white and black spotted horse. Take a ride with him on his horse and carriage, he's full of fascinating information and stories.  Ask him about David Beckham, Tom Cruise and Al Pacino, just to name a few.

Where John is, go in to the beautiful park on the south east corner, as you go down the steps to the park and the pond, there is a German light post which was dedicated to the German village that used to be there. Up by the Metropolitan Museum of Art at 83rd street and 5Th avenue, there is a black statue that is dedicated to the black village that was once there, and by the Columbus Circle entrance at 59Th street and Central Park West, where the Irish village once was, there is a banjo and a couple of empty bottle's of whiskey, to represent the Irish village that used to be in that part of the park!!!

There's actually a Scottish man that always plays his bagpipes just south of the Met at 82nd street in the park, sporting his kilt and all. He sounds great. There's nothing quite like the sound of the bagpipes. Once you hear them in the park, particularly when the sun is going down, its remarkable and haunting.  By the way, you know the difference between an onion and a bagpipe- nobody cries when you chop up a bagpipe.  That ones for my Scottish pal Stevie.

At 72nd street and Central Park South it is always nice to stop by Strawberry Fields and relax by the imagine sign that was put there in honor of the late, great John Lennon who was tragically shot across the street outside of the Dakota building where yoko ono still lives.

Then head down to Heckscher ball fields at west 63rd street, bring a sandwich and look for smokie, he will get you a beer to wash down your lunch. In the summer time there are continuous baseball and softball games, a lot from the local Broadways shows. A great place to relax, have a beer and take it all in. I think a lot of New Yorkers take Central Park for granted and forget how beautiful the park really is, oh the simple things in life.

Now that's enough for now, when your finished in the park come down to my bar have a beer and don't forget to give my a tip especially now after all this great information I've just given you, cheers and your welcome!!

Cheese!!!

I love when people ask me at the bar, "Can you take a photo". We all know the power of a photo and the memories they Capture, so I'm always happy to take a picture, usually anyway. Everybody always says, its the button on the top, thanks a lot. No shit Sherlock, really, the button on the top right corner. Thanks for pointing that out, douchebag, I would have never figured it out. Its only been there since the dawn of time, Cavemen know how to take a photo. People, I don't think we need to say that anymore, "Its the button on the right corner of the camera". Just hand the fuckin camera to somebody and say, " Can you please take a fuckin photo, thanks".

Reminds me of a funny story. A couple of months ago I'm closing up at the bar. I'm checking the floor for anything left behind when I notice this girls pocket book. I look through it for ID so I can see who owns it. I can't see anything, no ID, nothing. So I dig in a little further and a notice a bunch of photo's in this case. I open the case up to see if I possible know who owns the bag. Well I certainly find out who owns the bag. I see pictures of a lady I know, naked and getting fucked in more ways than I care to know, and have ever seen and by more people than I care to know. This lady was one hell of a swinger, a real porn star. Well I leave the bag behind the bar with the anticipation of seeing her the next night. Sure enough she shows up; the porn star, the next night and asks me if I found a bag the night before. I told her I found your bag, she says, "How did you know it was my bag. I said, I saw the pictures. Good she says, I left them for you. Hello!!

Well don't forget to tip your bartender, photo's optional.

Please, do your "wanking" at home?

Its about 10pm last night, the first rush of the night is over awaiting the next one. So its starting slowly to fill up at the bar. My girlfriend surprises me with a visit to the bar. We are chatting a bit when I notice this Mexican guy come in and sit at the corner of the bar across from us. By the way I knew he was Mexican because half of Mexico is working in our kitchen. I welcome him in to the bar and he asks me for a corona- what a surprise. I take his money and bring him back his change out of his twenty. Actually I was reading in the New York Daily News today that Mexicans are the happiest people in the world- I think that's because most of them live in America.
Well the bar starts to fill up a bit more, so I serve a few more people. So about ten minutes pass, then I go back to the end of the bar to see how my girlfriend is doing. As I walk down the bar I look at her face and I can see that something is not right. I see this horrified look on her face as she is staring at the Mexican guy sitting across from her in the corner. I look at him only to see him playing with himself, his dick in his hand. I grab his money and drink and tell him to get the fuck out of the bar, "you sick little fucker". That wasn't the tip I was looking for. Please people do your wanking- masturbating at home.

A guy actually got arrested the other day for masturbating. I mean has the world gone crazy, getting arrested for masturbating, if that was the case, I should be on death row!!
They say that sperm is actually good for your skin, well I think guys say that for the hope of a blow job.  So if that is the case how come my hands are so wrinkly.

That reminds me, its actually a little embarrassing for me. When I was a kid my dad walked into my bedroom unexpectedly only to catch me playing with myself. He says to me, "Son if you don't stop playing with yourself you will go blind", I was like, "dad I'm sitting over here".

Well have fun, go out have a beer, no wanking, and always tip your bartender.

Gay Marriage

Well gay marriage is a hot topic these days, I was actually talking about this with a few fagot lads "just kidding maybe",at the bar last night. My personal view, (and if you have been reading my blog you know I rarely get personal and share my feelings. Feelings are like your mothers breasts, you know where they are but there better un-felt), is that you should be able to marry anybody or anything, except your sister- Alabama, West Virgina. I actually think it should be compulsory for gay people to marry- if you are in a committed relationship for a few years, as I am actually sick of how good they look, all buffed up and tanned. It would be nice to say something to another man and for him to hear and translate exactly what you said, unlike women who for some reason hear something completely different!!!! I said to my girlfriend today, you are so beautiful darling, and she said, so you think I'm fat do you. Now is it just me but I have said that to myself a few times what I said to her and I don't hear or see fat anywhere!!! Talking about same sex marriage, I,ve been having the same sex for years.

Actually sometimes people think I'm gay because I'm slim, neat, my apartment is tidy, not married and I like Tom Cruise just a little too much. If my girlfriend ever came home and said she slept with Tom cruise, I would be like- give me details girlfriend!!

By the way, every husband or boyfriend has heard some version of this question- does this dress make me look fat or my arse look fat? Every man who lives with a women has had to sit in that hot seat- in the bathroom, bedroom, hallway, living room, hotel room, pretty much anywhere. They go through an endless parade of outfits, like your very own fashion show, each after each apparently make her arse look fat. No matter what kind of man you are, you can "never" utter those words or tell the truth in this situation. Words like, its fine luv, it looks great or sweetheart I love the way your arse looks in that. Those words will get you into a lot of trouble. I have spent many years in this situation and have decided to give into this exercise and to just go with it and she will be ready when she's ready, its healthier that way. I say to myself, relax, just relax. It's this really hot chick trying on all different outfits. You get to see a sexy girl naked. Just sit back and enjoy the show. She tries on an outfit takes it off then she parades around in her bra and panties looking for another outfit. She takes that off and her bra, so now she is topless- holy shit. Then she puts high heels on wearing nothing- fuck this is hot. When I was a teenager, a hot chick sauntering around your bedroom was considered an impossible event and here it is happening multiple times a week for free. I'm telling you, fellas- once you use my system and go with it, (because you will never win if you go against it), it just doesn't get any better than this. What I do now is run into the kitchen stuff some kind of food in my mouth, get changed real quick and then sit on the edge of the bed and let the games begin: I don't think that's the right outfit, sweetheart, I like the dress but without the panties. It turns being late for dinner into and entirely different thing. Just let it go and go with it, try it fellas it works and its a lot of fun, I love it- your welcome.

Why do women get all the nice names- Vagina and Breasts, and we get the ugly names, Penis and Scrotum? I would go to Vagina and Breasts in a heart beat on my holidays, they sound warm and beautiful. I wouldn't fancy going to Penis or Scrotum they sound like a cold and dark place where it rains all the time- just a thought.

Also do you ever notice all these woman's books and magazines on how to please your man: 101 ways to please your man. Give me a break, stop wasting your money girls, there's 4 ways to please your man- give him a good blow job, play with his balls, make him a good sandwich, and talk less- its that simple.

Anyway that's all I have to say on the topic right now so go out have a drink and tip your bartender.

The Crying Game

So I go out to meet my friend after work tonight on the upper west side in a bar called O'hurleys, a busy Irish bar on 72ND and Broadway. I walk in and Jeff is waiting for me chatting to a gorgeous middle aged women at the end of the bar. I say hello to Jeff but he's giving my the eye's, you know, fuck off leave me alone, I'm on to a winner here. So I leave him alone and walk down to the bartender Paul at the other end of the bar. The thing about bartenders is that we all know each other and we basically just bring the money back that he left at your bar. Its one fun vicious circle. What Paul tells me is what makes this night so interesting for all, and the reason for the title of this story. He says to me; you know that beautiful girl your mate Jeff is talking to, well, wait for it, its actually a man. No fuckin way, are you bleedin kidding me. So I take a large swig of my beer and say to myself; shit this is going to be good!

So I finish my beer, Paul hands me another one, says good luck and I walk down to see Jeff. Jeff I say, lets get out of here, lets go down town. No he whispers to me, this bird is mad into me, she wants to fuck me and she wants me to go up to her apartment up the street. Jeff, lets go again I say, a little bit more abruptly. Get out of here I'm going up the street with her. So I say fuck ya off you go see you later. By the way I will be here if you make it back in time- ya right. So as Jeff and his "date" sashayed out the door of the bar I wondered to myself what did my good friend have in store for himself this night. I waited eagerly with Paul at the end of the bar for his imminent re-arrival, I hoped anyway.

Sure enough as quick as he leaves the bar, he is back just as quick. Obviously knowing what went on I say; how come your back so quick. Ah I was not really into her. Well you looked like you your really into each other. Just leave it alone alright, Jeff says. So we have a few more beers with Paul, Jeff has a few shots (probably to get the taste out of his mouth) and then we head down town in a cab. As me and Jeff are heading down town in the cab I start at him again. So Jeff why were you so quick with her. Ah I just wasn't that into it that's all. Really that's surprising considering how you both seemed to be so into each other, the kissing and all that. Just let it go for fuck sake will ya he says. Again I say I just don't get it how it ended so quickly. Will you just leave it alone, again he protests. Seriously I say, was the reason that you weren't into it because she had a cock. What the fuck you prick, you knew. I tried to get you out of here earlier but you were sure you were onto a sure thing. Well you made your bed so you can sleep in it, I say to him- all pun intended. Listen Jeff say's to me, if you ever tell this to anybody I will fuckin kill you- you got me, I will fuckin kill you.

So people lets keep this to ourselves and don't forget to tip your bartender!!

Bartenders Don't Like To Hear Their Tips!!!

This Blog is for all the bartenders that read my blog, the people that eat their dinner standing up, the people that have a great job but have to put up with wankers once in a while. We know the people, the people that come into bars and ask for extra liqueur or I can't taste the liqueur,or," by the way there's going to be a lot of or's", or, can I have it with no ice, or straight up with coke on the side, or hook me up!!! That's the best line, Hook Me Up, but fail every time to hook up the bartender. When will "These people" get it, you get nothing for nothing especially when you don't tip. Bartenders and most people, we all know the people I am talking about. The people that want everything and give zero in return. Slavery was abolished many moons ago, let it go. I love the verbal tip, the one where they say how wonderful everything was and then walk out the fucking door. Even better when people say, I would like a greyhound,(which is just vodka and grapefruit juice), Oh its so hard to say vodka and grapefruit. I usually say the pet shop is up the block, this is a bar douche bag. I had this girl come in tonight and say, can I have a cuba libre, which I found out is simply a rum and coke. Now I have been bar tending for over ten years now and I have never heard of a rum and coke been referred to anything else but a rum and coke. Would you ever get over yourself and get a fuckin life. Its a rum and coke, its not a cuba libre, that some place in Cuba where some of us are not allowed to go, hope your allowed to go, miss cuba libre- why don't you go and stay the fuck there, you pretences twat.

I had these three people that came into the bar the other night and were questioning the price of the drinks as all these cunts do; if you have to question the price of the drink, stay the fuck home, you oxygen wasters. Anyway they are questioning the price of the drink and I tell them its the price and that's it, anyway they do this purposely so as to make them feel ok about leaving no tip. So they leave me 5 cent as a tip, remember the headline, I don't like to hear my tip. So a couple of days go by and I see the big tippers in the bar again so I get 5 cent out of the register and give it back to the people and say, you left this here last week do you want change.
Remember for every action there is always a reaction. Well they say to me that I was so rude, rude I say, I'm not the one leaving 5 cent tips- go fuck yourself.

I like to keep my blog funny because that's what I'm really interested in, so I want to tell you a funny story.
This man was telling me this story the other night and I thought it was so funny. This guy leaves the bar one night and at the end of the street there is a diner where a lot of taxi people park out side to go to the diner. So this guy jumps into a taxi with the keys in it, and he is obviously fucked up drunk and some how makes it home to Queens. Well he wake's up the next morning all hung over and feeling bad. His wife is all pissed off at him for coming home late and drunk. So she says to him, I hope you didn't drive home at least, I hope you got a taxi home, he says nothing for a second puts his head out the window of his apartment and says, of course I did, I got a taxi home, and the taxi he stole a few hours before is still outside his door. He swears that's a true story.

Cheers everyone tip your bartenders, even cabby's!!!

The Ninth Avenue Food Festival

So its that time of the year again, the ninth avenue food festival. Its the first and best street fair of the year. This happens every year on the third weekend in May or the weekend after mothers day. Starts at 37Th street and 9TH avenue and goes up 9TH avenue all the way to 57TH street. The bar I work in is close by so we normally start there and just saunter up the avenue. We have yet to make it all the way up as there are a few distractions along the way. We usually stop at Magganero's Italian deli on 37Th street, for some abuse- great sandwiches but own by the locals as the sandwich Nazi's. Then head up to Sea Breeze fish store on 40Th for some Calamari and Octopus. At the start of any good session or roll, it is vital that you get some grub in your stomach, so with that in mind, let the party begin. As said earlier we have yet to make it all the way to the end at 57Th street as there are just so many bars along the way, maybe this will be the year- ya right, who am I kidding.

Start at the Holland bar at 39Th street, one of the smallest bars in the city. A real New York City dive bar, ask for doctor bill the bartender, he will fix you up nicely. Dalton's on 43rd, large comfortable bar with lots of beers on tap, ask for Paul the owner, tell him I sent you. Rudy's on 44Th, just look for the pig outside. Another real NYC dive bar, probably the king of them, the beers are cheap, great jukebox, and they have a garden in the back. Well when I say a garden, its a NYC garden, all concrete, full of pigeons and no grass, unless you want to bring your own. Next is the Film Center Cafe bar also on 44Th. A little bit more classy then Rudy,s with good food. If you like wine then stop into Riposo Wine Bar on 46TH. Its a small, intimate place with great knowledgeable bartenders. Another of my favourites is Valhalla on 53Th. This place has over 30 beers on tap so something for everybody here. Then also on 53Th you have Bar Nine, a lounge style bar with live music, a great way to end the day.
So where ever you go on 9Th avenue you are sure to find something for everyone. Hope to see you out there.

Cheers, enjoy the day and please don't forget to tip your Bartenders.

Another Funny Bar Story

This Irish man walked into the bar a few weeks ago and ordered three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the bar, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
I said to him, "you know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time", the Irishman replies to me, "Well you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other in Dublin, and I'm here in New York. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we all drank together when we were all back in Dublin".
I said that, that was a nice custom, and I left it there. The Irish man has become a regular over the last few weeks and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints of Guinness and drinks the three pints by taking sips from each of them in turn.
Well last night he came in to the bar and orders two pints. All the regulars and myself notice and we all fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for a second round, I say to him, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I want to offer my condolences to you on your great loss".
He looks at me confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh no" he says to me, "Everyone is fine. Its me..." "... I've quit drinking !!!

You meet them all in the bar, and don't forget to tip your Bartender- Cheers!!

By the way: These two Irish guys walk out of a bar- its could happen.

That's Drunks For Ya!!!

This drunk man walks into the bar yesterday with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. I'm obviously not going to serve him. So I say to him, " can I help you sir?" "yessh! Ssssomebody sstole my carrr" the man replies. I ask, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?" " It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies. I'm thinking to myself, thank God your car is gone.
About that time I looks down and sees the man's dick hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
I ask the man "Are you aware you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out to me...... "Holy shit..... My girlfriend's gone, too!!!".
You can't make this shit up.

Have a great day everyone and please don't forget to tip your bartenders!!

Give me your money "mother fucker".

I guess you can tell by the headline "give me your money mother fucker", that it wasn't a fun and ordinary night in the Hells Kitchen bar last night, not even close, here it goes.

Its about 350am and the last few customers are leaving the bar. I'm behind the bar, in the middle of counting the money, making piles of fifty's out of the singles. I'm just about to walk out from behind the bar to lock the bar when this guy comes in the door. I always lock the door after the last person leaves, but for whatever reason this night I got lazy. Right away I have a bad feeling about this, I say were closed. He takes out a gun points it at my head and says (well you know at this stage what he said). I say OK no problem I will give you everything I have, no problem. A sense of calmness comes over me, don't know why. As I walk back to take the money out of the register I notice the top of two heads peaking over the back booth in the backroom restaurant area. Its then that I remember there are two detectives back there, there from the local precinct, they have been back there talking all night. So I do what this man says and I start emptying all the Money from the register onto the bar. I can see this man is on something, he's sweating, shaking and his eyes are all blood shot. At this point he says turn around, I'm not turning around I say. For some reason I remember what this detective once told me, God forbid you are ever held up, never turn around, they will just shot you in the back and think nothing of it. So he says again turn around, again I say, I gave you the money but I'm not turning around, please take it and leave. I'm thinking to myself, probably stupidly, your going to have to be a man and kill me, I'm not dying tonight. I then think, as I see in his blood shot eyes that he's not got the balls to do it, you fucking coward.
So he grabs the money and darts out the doors. At this point the two detectives that witnessed this whole thing run out after him. I subsequently follow after them after I lock the door and change my underwear. When I catch up to them they have the scumbag on the street handcuffed, waiting for the paddy wagon to show up. They ask me I'm I alright to which I say, not sure, think so. Finally it all hits me what just happened and I just slump to the ground in disbelief- holy shit, did that just happen.
After I change my underwear again, we all go over to the precinct and they arrest that mother fucker!!
On a personal note, God bless the NYPD because my job as a bartender on the west side of Manhattan is a lot better because of them. I remember not so long ago all that you would get on the corner here, where hookers and drug dealers, boy do I miss those days- just kidding. But seriously it is all down to the great work of the NYPD, so cheers guys.

Oh by the way, don't forget to tip your bartender.

O.J Simpson- what an Arsehole

O.J Simpson not happy getting away with murder now he wants to get away with burglary, but to be fair to him he said he was actually going there to kill someone. He actually stole his own stuff, that's like holding yourself up. What kind of dickhead gets arrested for stealing his own stuff. You know what O.J stands for "orange jumpsuit". Whats the difference between O.J and Adolf Hitler- Hitler left less clues. So the other day O.J Simpson was convicted and sentenced to do a minimum of nine years. Is he not the biggest dip shit in the world. He gets away with the crime of the century as we all know and he's still not happy. If that was me and probably the rest of the normal world I would not spit on the street or j-walk, I would be the greatest citizen on the face of this earth. Well maybe there is a God after all!!

The other night in the bar, this prick keeps asking me for a buy back- a free drink.  In most NYC bars they will give you a free drink, usually after you have had three drinks or more, however it is up to the discretion of the bar and the bartender. Anyway this guy says to me, "Wheres my free drink".  When you ask for one, you don't get one. That whats I believe. So I say, we don't give free drinks here. This cunt keep asking me, "wheres my free drink, my buy back".  We don't give free drinks I continue to say.  Now this loser starts shouting, "wheres my fuckin free drink","I'm going to kick your fuckin ass mother fucker", this loser keeps saying to me.  So I give him ten dollars and say, "go and buy yourself a drink somewhere else and fuck off and don't come back arsehole.  He says, "thanks a lot" and leaves the bar.  Sometimes its worth a few dollars to get rid of a scumbag.

Things not to say to a bartender when there busy- Would you recommend a nice fruity drink- Yes a bottle of bud, now fuck off !!!!

Speaking of tipping, tourists here's the deal.
We bartenders make our living on tips, it is customary to tip in America especially in New York, if you don't tip it is also customary to spit in your Margarita.
Here's the deal, we live on the tips give a few dollars a round of drinks, most New Yorkers give a dollar a drink. I know this is all new to you so give what you can, anything is appreciated and it is also customary to buy a customer a drink especially one who tips, usually every 4Th drink. I know this is a revolutionary idea to you Europeans right now as you are lucky to get a free bag of bacon fries from your local bar at home . Don't wait until the end of the night to tip show your appreciation right away and the appreciation will be shown to you. Have fun and enjoy New York City, especially the Scots, I know you are known to be cheap, ( remember copper wire was invented in Scotland- two Scotsman fighting over a penny). That's for my favorite Scotsman and friend Stevie Byrne.
I was in Glasgow recently to see Stevie and I stopped by his house and I noticed that he was taking the wall paper of the walls, I said to him are you decorating, no he said I'm moving. We went down to see the famous museum and statue of William Wallace in Stirling (remember brave heart, freedom and all that), so were in Stirling and this man comes up to me and says, do you know where the statue of Mel Gibson is, I won't say who said it, but to be fair to this American guy the statue did look a bit like him. There were also Scottish bagpipes playing they actually sounded great. While were on the subject of bagpipes, whats the difference between a bagpipe and an onion- nobody cries when you chop up a bagpipe. Stevie will be mad at me for that one.

So cheers everyone and please tip your bartender.

New Chapter in America

There's a new chapter in America but unfortunately its chapter 11. I come into work these days and I see less people- well the after work crowd that is. I come into work at 6pm to start my night, well at least I'm supposed to be there at 6pm however that's a bit of a laugh. Customers actually bet on when I will arrive at work how many minutes after six I will show up. I hear some cheers and some groans, mostly groans when I walk in the door, people cursing me as I walk through the door for not showing up at their designated time.
Anyway don't get me wrong business is still pretty good in the bar, I'm not complaining. Bars will always be good during hard times, there recession proof as one customer put it today. People are getting laid off for sure, but some of them I have always wondered how they had a job in the first place, real fucking dip shits, where the others I'm genuinely sorry for and I wish them all the best.

You hear some funny things, some funny conversations while working behind the bar, so many to remember but here's one I remember from last night. This guy says to this girl, whats your zip code, she's like what, again he says, whats your zip code, everybody asks for the phone number I just want the zip code- he was funny, not sure if he ever did get the zip code.

Well as we all know times are hard right now but please, tip your bartender!!

Freud You!!

Pretty quiet night tonight, Veterans day, a lot of people off work. So these two people walk into the bar tonight, not a couple as they are a little bit awkward towards each other but are obviously friends. So I say hi what are you having, the guy says right away, I'll have a bud, the girl takes her time can't make up her mind, obviously first time in a bar!  Right away I know this person, pain in the arse, crying out for attention, wants the world to wait on her, however these people can be interesting and sometimes fun!  Definitely didn't get a hug when she was a child.
Eventually asks for a rum and coke- after all that. So about ten minutes pass and she says, do you know how to make a cosmopolitan, yes I say, and he orders another bud. Another ten, twenty minutes pass and then she says to me can you make me a Black Russian, you know how to make it. I say listen, you know love, this is not my first night, oh really she says. Remember she is curving attention.
So this is where the fun begins. She finishes the earlier cosmopolitan and while I'm in the middle of a conversation with another customer, she says, take my empty class away, do you know how to be a bartender. I look at her laugh and continue my conversation. You need to nip that in the butt right away or else they will walk all over you. Listen people I know my job detail, but I'm a human being behind this bar as well.
Then she says, whats wrong with you, where are you from, what month were you born, why do you hate yourself and so forth. I say, pretending to cry, maybe I just need a hug. Darling, I say- just to keep it fun, enough of the psycho babble bullshit, save it for someone that cares. You know what Freud said, "The Irish are imperious to psychoanalyses", let it go sweetheart. Don't you think I'm a beautiful woman, do you not want me, she says. Beauty comes in many forms I say and you are so ugly in the inside. So now she does a total 360 on me, now she tells me that she lives up the street and wants me to fuck her. Typical, girl that looks confident on the outside, mean and aggressive, goes through her whole life hating and being mean to people, when in reality she hates herself and is so insecure. I say to her, you have the sex appeal of a school bus fire, I wouldn't fuck you with his cock- pointing at her friend. Before you get upset with me people, trust me she had it coming and now maybe she will not be such a bitch to people in the future. Eventually her friend says to her, your being an asshole time to go home. Best of luck to you Darling your going to need it.

Remember were not just bartenders we are psychiatrists too, so don't forget to tip.

Full Moon Tonight

It was one of those nights that every bartender knows and feels before they happen. It started out when I came into work at 6pm to start my night. There is this drunk at the end of the bar and right away I'm pissed off that he is being served and still in the bar. It doesn't take much to piss of the start of the night for a night bartender, we are very fragile. So the day bartender says to me, don't serve that guy, he's fucked up, but it was OK for you to serve him, and why would you care, your out of here anyway- fucking prick. So I say, you served him you get rid of him. I didn't serve him he says, so I say, where did he get the Heineken. Listen, why don't you think before you talk, I'm sick of you serving obviously fucked up people and saying, you have a good night and running out the door, only for me to handle the shit you left behind. If your a night bartender you know what I'm talking about. Well I eventually get this fuck head out of the bar after he comes in a few more times not realizing that I just fucked him out before. Unfortunately my night goes from bad to worse.

A few hours go by and all of a sudden a major brawl starts. Its not one of those fights when nobody really wants to fight, a bunch of hand bags and pocket books thrown. These people really wanted to hurt each other. These fights happen at best once a year. What I have learnt over the years as a bartender is not to be a hero. I have loved one's to go home too. Fights usually break themselves up. Don't be a hero, they bury hero's. As the Marines and the Rangers say, we don't die for our country, we live for our country. If anybody knows me, I'm not the one to run from a fight but this shite is ridiculous. There are some nights in the bar when I'm like, fuck I would love a bit of action right now, a good beating, a bit of anarchy, get in close to somebody and really give it a go. Remember, I have an advantage I'm sober, well usually anyway. Listen if a fight lasts more than 10 seconds and your in it your in big trouble. So remember that when a fight starts and your working behind a bar, by the time you get around the bar the fight is usually over, but if the fight is still going on after you get around the bar, that's a fight you have no business getting in, and you certainly do not want to be in it.

So here's to the full moon tonight and a full tip jar, so please, don't forget to tip your bartenders!!

Halloween

Great night at the bar last night all the jowls and monsters were out for Halloween. This one guy was dressed like a clans man with a big white sheet over him and a pointy hat. I said to him where did you get the costume at the k.k.k Mart.

This bunch of gay lads came in the bar and I like the gays, they tip well and are nice, anyway they say it takes a village to rise a family, but not the village people, they were the gayest people I have ever seen, well the bar is close to Chelsea, the gay capitol of New York City.

There's nothing as funny as seeing a grown man walking down 10Th avenue at 6am the morning after Halloween dressed like a slut with high heels and fish net shocking on coming home by yourself, try to explain that one, it kinda reminded me of the old days.

Happy Halloween everyone and don't forget to tip your bartender, no candy please!!

Last chapter?

This was supposed to be a short term gig, work as a bartender for a while make some money have lots of fun, do some travelling and position myself for the next big deal. Well that was the plan anyway. Well ten years has almost passed and I'm still a bartender on the lovely west side of Manhattan, Hells Kitchen area, the Manhattan Riviera. Business is still good considering our economic times, the same people come through the doors, slaves to their jobs, coming in before they take their two hour bus or train from Port Authority or Penn Station only to come back the next day to do it all again, what an existence. Everybody is living for their 401k and pension, pension this and pension that, and they forget to live for the moment. By the looks of things there will be nothing left anyway, no 401k or pension. Its when I see these people that I realize things for me are not so bad. I live up the street, have a ton of fun behind the bar, I've met some incredible people, made lots of friends, I see my boss once in a while, nobody really bothers me, except for the odd gangster, robber, homosexual, lesbian, midget and pervert. You know what? Bring it on, here's to another night behind the bar.

And don't forget to always tip your bartender.

My Aunt Died

Well today my favourite Irish aunt died, she lived a great long life. She was actually 106 years young when she died, so don't feel to bad.

We used to call her antique. She used to go up to statues and say to people "I fucked him". She used to go into the store Old Navy looking for sailors.

My friend Dave today actually asked me how she died, oh she died of a heart attack after teaching a crunch yoga class, she died of a heart attack in the mosh pit at a Metallica concert, her shoot didn't open- she was 106 everybody. By the way whats the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral- one less drunk. Rest In Peace!!

Cheers to my aunt, now go out and have a drink and tip your bartender!!!

Lawyers

I have a lawyer friend that comes into the bar, he's a nice guy but he is a lawyer so you have to fuck with them.

I said to him, whats the difference between a prostitute and a lawyer, a prostitute will stop fucking you when your dead.

I guy comes into the bar shouting and screaming the other night saying, all lawyers are assholes, all lawyers are assholes, this man runs up to him and says, I'm offended by that, the other guy says, what are you a lawyer, no he says, I'm an asshole.

This women goes to the doctor and asks the doctor, can women get pregnant from anal sex, of course they can says the doctor, where do you think lawyers come from!!!!

So he says to me, why are there no Irish lawyers, because they can't pass the bar. I suppose I had that one coming. Cheers

My Friend Arthur

My good old Jewish friend Arthur comes into the bar tonight all happy and smiling. Right there I know somethings wrong. I ask him why you so happy. He tells me he just won the new york state lottery, ten million dollars to be exact- drinks for everybody. Well, after the bar slows down I ask him, so Arthur whats next, what are you going to do with your winning. Now let me tell you about Art, he's a tough fucker, eighty nine years old, survived the holocaust, he's seen and been through it all. So anyway he says, first I'm going to donate half of the winnings, that's five million dollars to the Nazi party. I'm like what, are you losing your mind. No he says I'm going to donate half the winning five million to the Nazi party. I say, why would you do that after what they did to you and your people. Well its like this, he says, they gave me the numbers!!!
So there is a God after all.

So good luck to you Arthur and to you all, and please don't forget to tip your bartender!!

George Michael In The Garden Tonight

Busy night in the bar tonight, busier than a usual Monday night. George Michael was in Madison Square Garden tonight, that is probably why we were busier than normal, apparently still a lot of Wham and George Michael fans around. What's white and slides down the bathroom wall? George Michael's latest release- Just kidding George.

Talking about celebrities, David Hasselhoff was in the bar tonight. You remember him from Bay Watch or what we liked to call it Wank Watch. Maybe he's a George Michael fan, or maybe is was meeting him in the toilet, who knows. Anyway he comes up to the bar and I say, hello David Hasselhoff what can I get you, he says please call me "Hoff". Sure no problem "Hoff". Whatever weirdo. So by the end of the night everybody in the bar is calling him "Hoff". "Hoff" this and "Hoff" that. I was actually getting a bit sick of this so when he comes up to the bar I say to him, so why do you want to be called "Hoff", what with all this "Hoff" bullshit. He says listen I don't want any Hassel !!!

See you all later and please tip your bartender!!!

I Swear You Can't Make This Shit Up.

I was telling these people in the bar one day how in Ireland the fish particularly the salmon are jumping out of the water. There is actually one place in County Kerry where if you lean over this bridge as the salmon are coming up the river, you can actually grab them out of the air, as they jump out of the water. So these two Polish guys overhear my conversation and they tell me they are actually stopping off in Ireland on there way to Poland next week, and they will go and try to catch some Salmon. I tell them exactly where this place is in Kerry. They leave and tell me they will be back in the bar in a few weeks and will tell me what happened.
So sure enough a few weeks go by and these two Polish guys come back into the bar. Here's their story, its priceless.
So we get to County Kerry in Ireland and we locate the bridge where the salmon are supposed to be. So I lean over the bridge while from friend holds my feet so I can get down low. So after about an hour my friend starts screaming and shouting, "Pull me up, pull me up", so I say to him, "Did you get a Salmon", "No " he says, " There's a train coming".
I swear you can't make this shit up.

People say to me all the time, "Oh with that accent you must get laid all the time", by the way you might have a point but I was not exactly a virgin when I came to New York. So in a way its not a compliment, what their actually saying is, if you didn't have an accent you wouldn't get laid you ugly fucker. Thanks people.
By the way I had a pop tart today, my doctor told me I have to eat more fruit- feeling Great.
Cheers for now and don't forget to tip your Bartender!!!

The New York Yankee's

Three baseball fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road, they stopped and discovered a nude female dead drunk. Out of respect and propriety, the Yankee's fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The cubs fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast.
Following their lead, but with some grumbling, the red sox fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.
The police were called and when the oficer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted the Yankee's cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes, next he lifted the cubs cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. The officer then lifted the red sox cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.
The red sox fan was getting upset and finally asked, what are you some kind of a pervert?, Why do you keep lifting and looking?, Well said the officer, I am simply surprised, normally when I look under a red sox cap, I find an arsehole !!!!

Went to the New York Yankee's baseball game today, D train right to Yankee stadium. I got talking to this man seating beside me today and beside him was an empty seat so I said to him its unusual to see an empty seat at a Yankee's game he said that he bought it for his wife but she died. I said to him that I was very sorry but could you not have given it to one of your friends or family members, he said their actually a very strange bunch, their all at the funeral. Talk about a die hard Yankee fan!!!

This reminds me I was at a funeral with my friend last month and they waked the person at his home, so we met up at a local bar before we were to go to the house. Well we drank maybe a bit to much, you know what funerals are like, anyway we arrive at the home a little late we go into the home and because we were so drunk that instead of knelling down at the coffin to pay our respects we knelled down at the piano. So I say, dead that he is, he sure had a great set of teeth and my friend says yes he did but he had a bad one here and there. We left and went right back to the bar.

I went with my girlfriend to the game today, I kissed her between the strikes and she kissed me between the balls.

The Edge the lead guitar player for the band u2 today donated his 1975 Gibson guitar to the New Orleans hurricane disaster fund, he said he wanted to give away something that he would miss, how about your house the people of New Orleans said.
That reminds me, Bono was doing a concert in his home town of Dublin recently and started clapping his hands and saying to the crowd, every time I clap my hands a person in Africa dies. Somebody shouted up from the crowd, well Bono, stop clapping your fucking hands then.
He also recently fell off the stage in Croke Park in Dublin, he fell over the Edge!!!!
Cheers for now, and remember to tip your bartender!!

Drinks

In a recent study, scientists believe that coffee can reduce the effects of alcohol on the liver, they say that two cups of coffee a day can as much as half the effects on the liver, today senator Ted Kennedy crashed into a Starbucks.

People love car bombs (half pint of Guinness and a half shot of baileys and Irish whiskey) and Jager bombs ( half pint of red bull and shot of jager ), you drop shot into pint and chug away, sound terrible but there gooood.

When did a Vodka and Cranberry turn into a Cranberry and Vodka, its like asking for Jelly and Peanut butter, its always been a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and always will, just as it will always be a Vodka and Cranberry, stop fucking with the drink ordering process people.

By the way has anyone noticed that beer is now cheaper than gas, so drink but don't drive.

Remember to tip your bartenders!!!

New Yorkers And Their Pets

As we all know us New Yorkers love our pets. Once in a while we have people come in to the bar with their pets, dogs, cats, gerbils,(we are very close to Chelsea), and so on. For me the only pets I can handle right now are goldfish. I named my goldfish number one and number two. When one died I had two!!

When it gets slow late at night and the kitchen is closed I don't mind when the locals bring their dogs in. I have this one man, lets call him Kevin, anyway he goes out every night to walk his dog and pops into the bar and has about four shots of vodka and then goes home to the wife, he always walks the dog. He was telling me one time that he had to leave town unexpectedly so his wife had to walk the dog. So she is walking the dog and as they go by the bar the dog makes a right and head straight for the front door of the bar all excited and barking for us to open the door. The dog ratted him out, so no more late night walking the dog for Kevin.

Another time this guy walks into the bar and says to this guy that has this dog sitting under his table, does your dog bite, no he says and the man goes to pat the dog on the back, just as he does this the dog takes a big bite out of his arm. The guy screams and shouts at the guy, I thought you said your dog doesn't bite, he says, that's not my dog!! Another time a guy says, is that Jack Russell's, no he says, its mine.

Stevie wonder came into the bar one night with his dog, picks his dog up by the tail and starts swinging it around his head. I say to him, Stevie what the fuck are you doing, he says, I'm just having a look around!! Did you ever see his wife....... Neither has he.

People please stop decorating your dogs. Stop putting these ridiculous outfits on your dogs. They are so embarrassed and they are already wearing a coat, they are born with one already on you sick fuckers. That reminds me, guys if your on a date don't get a doggy back, it makes you look like a little pussy. While your at it, you may as well as get your balls and put them in a doggy bag because you won't be needing them that night......... and your welcome.

Now go out and get yourself a nice cold beer and remember to tip your bartender!!!

I Love My Neighbors

So this pretty young girl walks into the bar and asks me for a martini. I make the martini and I go on doing my thing. I have never seen this girl in the bar before so I ask her has she ever been in the bar before, just really being welcoming to her. She tells me she just moved in to the high rise building across the street. She is sitting at the end of the bar and from our vantage point we can actually see her apartment her exact window across the street- fifth floor third window from the left as she so elegantly points out. Then she goes on to say I love to walk around the apartment naked and as you can see I never put curtains on my windows. I think we can all see where this is going. I make a few more drinks and another martini for our new neighbor. Well about two hours pass a little chit chat and she says to me, well I think its time for me to go home take off my cloths and call it a night. Don't forget where I live pointing up to her window across the street. I say nice talking to you hope to see you soon! I'm thinking I will be seeing her very soon and very naked. I keep saying to myself so I don't forget, fifth floor, third window from the left, fifth floor, third window from the left. I'm not some kind of a pervert but come on!!
So sure enough lights come on, fifth floor, third window from the left and our new neighbor appears. She starts to do a strip just for me as I watch from the bar across the street. So I open up a beer- I feel its appropriate, sit down and enjoy the show.

So thank you neighbor for the show and I didn't even have to tip her, but please always tip your bartender.

Good Advice?

There was this man at the bar last night and he says to me that his wife's not well. He says he brought his wife to the doctors office for a complete examination and they have narrowed it down to two things, his wife either having Alzheimer's disease or aids. He was obviously very worried and didn't know what to do. This is when the advice of the bartenders is critical.

So I say to the man, here's what you do. When your going home tonight with your wife, drop her off a few blocks from where you live, and if she makes it home don't fuck her!!!

That reminds me of another similar story. This man brings his wife to the doctors and the doctor examines his wife and says that his wife has Tom Jones-ism. The man is like, what!! Again the doctor says, I've examined your wife and she has Tom Jones-ism. So the man says to the doctor, is that rare, no the doctor says, but its not UNUSUAL.
He said his wife's was an angel, I said your lucky my wife is still alive.
Happiness is having a loving, close knit family in another country.

Cheers for now and remember to tip your bartender!!!

I'm a little sad

I just broke up with the girlfriend, but it was a good break up as break ups go, like we split the apartment in New York City in half, she got the inside. She used to say to me, "you remind me of the ocean" I would say "wet and wild" no she would say " you make me fucking sick'. We used to hold hands a lot, because if we ever let go we would probably fuckin kill each other.  The good thing about being married or being in a relationship is that when you go home, there is somebody there- the bad thing about being married or in a relationship is that when you go home, there is somebody there!!

Well I have been married twice, what can I say, I love wedding cake. The first wife died in a wishing well, I didn't know they worked.  No seriously the first wife died of eating poisoned mushrooms, the second wife died of a fractured scull, she wouldn't eat her mushrooms. Really my last wife died of V.D, my friend said to me, nobody dies of V.D, I said, they do when they give it to me. She actually talked through her nose because her mouth was worn out!!

I said to my girlfriend "were you faking it last night', no she said "I really was asleep"

People; don't fall in love with a heroin addict they have a lot of love but its all in vein.

A girl said to me that I don't have honest eyes, I'm like, I just want to sleep with you not borrow a thousand dollars.

I was in bed with my girlfriend the other night and she said she would like to try something different tonight, how about the 69, I said you want chicken and broccoli at 5am in the morning. That's the great thing about NYC you can always find a Chinese restaurant open, so we went down to wo hops on 17 Mott street in China town- open 24 hours.

I am actually selling a full set of Britannica encyclopedia's if anyone is interested, I don't need them any more girlfriend knows fuckin everything.

Talk to you all later, please remember to tip your bartender!!

Old People

We get a lot of older people in the bar from time to time. I love talking to older people and spending time with them. We are all getting older that's for sure, even me!!! We had the monthly chess meeting in the bar tonight in the back room. They are all older people and pretty dull to be honest with you. They have dinner in the back room and then talk and play chess, whoo hoo, how exciting. It takes them two hours to pass the salt.

You know when your getting old when you fall and nobody laughs. These people are so old that they remember when Elvis was alive the first time. You know your getting old when your toes out number your teeth, (that could be a southern red neck joke too) . This guy from the chess club said he went to give blood and they told him his blood type was discontinued. This guy said he remembered when casual sex meant no tie on, when safe sex was having the handbrake on in the car. His birth certificate was carved in stone.

Anyway, so I'm on my way home tonight in a taxi as it was raining, I only live a few blocks away and the taxi crashes into the back of another taxi. Well this little midget comes walking out of the taxi we just ran into, and my taxi drivers says to the little dwarf, which one are you, he says "well I'm not happy".

Talking about midgets and dwarfs, did you hear about the gay midget? he came out of the cupboard.

Cheers for now and remember to tip your bartender!!

Please Don't throw Bar Stools At Bartenders

Don't throw bar stools at bartenders? So last night these two guys and one girl walk into the bar at 330am and I can see by them they are pretty fucked up. Now I don't want somebody Else's headache, so what I usually say is, sorry guys I can't serve you, you've had too much but come back tomorrow and I will buy you a beer. This is when these drunk fucks usually say to themselves, a free drink tomorrow sounds good and they leave-like I'm ever or they will ever remember about the free drink tomorrow.
So anyway this scumbag picks up a bar stool and throws it right at me. I suppose he thought I said chairs instead of cheers!!
So I duck and miraculously the stool misses me and lands behind me and nothing breaks. Now I'm pissed off and I start to run around the bar to get to him. He runs out the doors like a fucking coward that he is, and I catch up to him about 10 feet outside the door, again he swings at me, I duck again for the second time and I put him to the ground. Lets just say he will not be coming around here again. Its funny how the loudest person in the bar is usually the weakest. On a personal note, thanks to all my friends at the bar that had my back and were and are always there for me.
Cheers to all my friends and family and don't forget to tip your bartender!!!

Happy St. Patrick's Day

Well happy St. Patrick's day everyone, here's to the wearing of the green, kiss me I'm Irish and all that shite. I actually enjoy St. Pats day, it's a crazy day but where I work I usually work by myself but on this day everybody works, all hands on deck, so in a way I can enjoy the holiday more. The music is loud and the green beer is flowing. What's the difference between an onion and a bagpipe? nobody cries when you chop up a bagpipe. Irish handcuffs, a beer in each hand.

On a sad note two Irish guys last night drowned in the Hudson River, they said they were trying to do the Riverdance!!

People this year can you please stop asking me do I know Pat Murphy from Dublin, I know I'm from Ireland but there are over six million in Ireland and most of them live in Dublin. Please don't say you would love to go to Ireland, its not like its the moon, its six hours away on a plane. Go to JFK Airport book a flight and go shithead, you will be there in no time. By the time this ridiculously boring conversation, that I'm having with you is over you will already be there. Its harder to go to the upper east side.

Happy St. Patrick's Day everyone, and please don't forget to tip your bartender!!!!

Smoking

As we all know you can't smoke in bars in New York City anymore, I personally think its a good Idea, but I can understand how you smokers might be pissed off.

Anyway, these two old lady's were smoking outside the bar one night and it started to rain and one lady pulled out a condom out of her pocket, cut the end of it off and rolled it over the cigarette, kinda like a cigarette rain coat, the lady beside her was amazed with this new invention.
She says to the other lady, how can I get one of those things. The other lady says, just go down to the local drug store and ask them for a packet of condoms. So the lady goes into the pharmacist at the drug store the next day and says, can I have a condom please. The pharmacist says, what kind and size do you want. The lady looking a little puzzled says, I'm not that sure really, once it fits over a Camel !!!!!!

By the way, how many condoms can you get out of a rubber tire, 365 if its a Goodyear !!

Cheers for now and remember to tip your bartender.

Girls!!!

As a bartender girls are everywhere, as I said in a earlier blog, bartending, its the most fun you can have with your pants on, sometimes off. Anyway I was home the other night with my girlfriend after a long hard night behind the bar. I went to bed and fell asleep right away. The next day my girlfriends starts complaining about my stamina and sexual drive in the sack. So I try to tell her that I was tired and that's all it was, nothing more nothing less. Well now I'm getting a bit paranoid so I ask this older man at the bar for some Viagra. The next night I take six Viagra and wash them down with five Red Bull's when I'm leaving the bar- anyway the funeral is next week!!!

Talking about Viagra, I was driving upstate New York a while ago and I get to one of those tolls, well I'm looking around for some change and I can't find any change anywhere, I reach into my pocket and I find a Viagra pill, I throw it into the change area, and the toll arm goes straight up. Well the next day I'm heading back to Manhattan and I'm going by the same toll and I notice the toll arm is still up!! That shit really works.

Another time I took one and it got stuck in my throat, I had a stiff neck for a week. To be honest I have never taken a Viagra, but the commercial really cracks me up. You know the commercial that says "if you have a hard on that lasts more than six hours please call your doctor. Listen people, if I have a hard on that lasts more than six hours I'm calling every girl I have ever known!!

While I"m "expressing" myself, did you ever see how many onion rings you can fit on your penis, you better let them cool off first but, I made that mistake.

I've been using anti wrinkle cream to look younger but they don't work, my balls still look all wrinkly and old looking.

Well I think that's enough "expressing" myself for now, good luck and cheers for now and remember to tip your bartender!!

New York Bartender

Vanna White you know from the television game show wheel of fortune came into the bar the other night, she is a very beautiful, and nice lady, but don't ask her about her show whatever you do. I suppose she must get sick of the same stupid questions, god knows I do. Anyway I asked her what her favorite letters were and she said, F and U or FU. How about that?

As you all know I'm a Bartender in Midtown, Manhattan, why do people tell me things that they think I might be remotely interested in. They tell me the most painful load of crap, how dare they think I could be interested in this shite. You know I can't get that ten minutes of my life back. Hey mister, I don't give a fuck about your kids piano lessons. We all love a good story but most of it is a load of crap, tell it to someone who cares, here's a quarter call someone who cares. I'm like a doctor , I should charge these fuckers by the minute. I was in the bathroom at the urinal and this drunk man comes in and started talking to me and then puts his hand around me. My rule in the toilet is simple, don't touch me when I'm touching me, that's simple right.
One night I was working, it's a slow night and I notice this guy walks into the bathroom and after about half and hour I notice he hasn't came out yet. So I walk in to the bathroom and he's just standing there, I say to him what are you doing, he says, I'm waiting for an employee to wash my hands, as he points to the sign on the wall "employees must wash hands". Do I have to say anything else? I don't think so

Thanks and cheers everyone and please tip your bartender!!

President George Bush

Congratulations to President Barack Obama. I think America is ready for a black President, well the last one was retarded so why not a black president. George Bush was in the Bar last night and looking to get laid. He asks this brunette girl at the bar, I'm the President of America how much would it cost me to spend some time with you? She replied, $200. Then he asks this red headed girl, the same question, and her reply was $100. Lastly he asks this blonde and she replies, Mr President, if you can get my skirt as high as my taxes, my pants as low as my wages, your dick as hard as the times we are living in, and keep it rising like the price of gas and screw me the way you have the people, then it won't cost you a fucking penny!!
My mother always used to say to me, never let the truth get in the way of a good story.
Cheers for now and please remember to tip your bartender.

Happy Presidents Day

Well the bar is closed today for Presidents day, its always nice to get an extra day off, so happy Presidents day everybody. God bless all. President George Bush said he really loves Presidents day, as he always looks forward to all the presents.

President Bush said every illegal immigrant coming to America should learn English, "if I was moving to Canada I would learn Canadian" way to go George!!! I am definitely getting audited this year. He was recently in England and he had to go in to hospital for an emergency circumcision, but the doctor said he would not be able to do the operation, as he said, there is no end to this prick. When having sex George Bush always has to be on the bottom as he can only fuck up.!!!
Vice President Dick Cheney said today that if everything goes well with the war in Iraq there will be 3 different countries, regular, unleaded, and supreme?

That reminds me of the night Monica Lewinsky came into the bar. So I ask her who will you be voting for in the upcoming Presidential elections. Will you be voting for Hillary Clinton, (don't get a head of me people), Barack Obama or John McCain. She said that she would be voting Republican as the Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth. So I guess its John McCain for President then, thanks Monica.

All good bartenders have jokes, here's one- President Bush, Pope Benedict, and Michael Jackson are on a plane and its going down and they only have 2 parachutes, the crew say to the Pope, we think you should be the first to take a parachute, you need to survive, the Pope says no, I can't, what about the children aboard the plane, President Bush says, fuck the children, and Michael Jackson says, do you think we have time?

Cheers everyone enjoy Presidents Day, God Bless America, and remember to tip your bartender.

The Westies?

This guy in the bar tonight threatens to shoot me. Its always the same the loudest person in the bar is usually the weakest. You should watch the quite guy in the corner he's the one that you need to watch. People that tell you they are in the mob or the Westies and are going to kill you usually don't.

Well it all started when this prick walked into the bar tonight and asks for a Heineken and a chilled shot of patron. Right away I don't like this person and my gut tell me he's no good. I give him the drinks and no thank you or please to be had. Then he says, put the college basketball game on but I tell him somebody is watching the knicks game already so I can't change the channel. I didn't want to change the channel any way for this prick. So with that he says put the fucking game on. Now I say listen wanker that TV is never going to be change now, get the fuck out of here. Here's where the fun starts; do you not know who your dealing with, I'm connected and your a dead man. I'm going to fucking shot you. Again he says, put the fucking game on, again I say, listen scumbag hell will freeze over before I change that TV channel, get the fuck out of here your a nobody just like me. So eventually he leave and then he starts calling up the bar saying he is going to shot me that he is waiting outside the doors, whatever I say you fucking loser. I for one can't put my hands on anyone, but I'm feeling like I want too. So he keeps calling as I can see his name on the caller I.d on the phone. A real Einstein, a real professional gangster. So he keeps calling saying do you not know who I am, I actually say, yes I know who you are your name and number are coming up on the caller Id. I'm the Westies, so fucking what I say. So then he walks into the bar and now I say fuck you this ends right now and as he is entering the bar I push him back out the door and into the garbage outside- a perfect place for this piece of shit. I walk back in the bar and sure enough dickhead starts calling again, but this time he has changed his tune. Now he want to sue me, he says you hurt me I'm going to sue. I say make your mind up, are you going to kill me or sue me, because its very hard to sue a dead guy, and I hang up. Again a few minutes go by and again he calls up but this time I just laugh at him and I hand it to an off duty police officer in the bar and he says to this tough guy, listen what your doing right now is verbal harassment punishable up to a year in jail, I have your name and number from the caller ID and if you don't stop calling we will personally go to New Jersey and grab you out of your house by your balls and you will pay. Now the tough guy starts balling crying saying how sorry he is and all he wanted was for the bartender to put the game on- what a scumbag loser.

Unfortunately these things happen only once in a while- we all need a good laugh now and again, and please don't forget to tip your bartender.

Why Did You Call Me A CUNT

This girl comes in late last night and right of the bat I know this girl is trouble. She starts shouting orders at me, no please or thank you in site. She spills her drink all over the bar and demands me to clean it up right away. Then she demands I make her a new drink no charge, again no please or thank you anywhere. I say I did not spill your drink so if you want another one you will have to pay for it. She starts screaming obsenities at me, so I say, listen cunt get the fuck out of my bar. World war three starts there and then, she starts screaming, fuck you, why did you call me a cunt, I have three degrees and make ten times what you make, fuck you. I say, you might be right but your still a cunt, get the fuck out. Again she starts screaming grabing people at the bar, why did you call me a cunt, why did you call me a cunt. Listen, people think that the word cunt is a bad word. Well its not, its just a word, women in particular you need to get over the word cunt and any other "so called" bad words.  It was America who ruined the word cunt. They think it is some kind of derogatory term for a vagina, or someone who had a vagina, but it has never been that in Ireland where I hail from.  In Ireland and most of the world the word cunt is happy and cheery, like fuckin brilliant and shite. You know the work cunt comes from the latin word cuinty, meaning barron place. So let it go everyone. And where I come from the word cunt is used so much, that in many ways it is used to complement someone, for example, she's a funny cunt, I like that cunt, he's a cool cunt. So again let it go, only then will it become just four letters. Go rent a Lenny Bruce dvd, he was the master of comedy!!

Cheers cunts, tip your bartender!!!

The Homeless

I was on the subway the other day with a big bag of change on my way to the coin star machine at Commerce bank on 42ND and 9Th avenue when I realized it was not a good idea. Whats the last thing you want to see on the way to cash in change at the local bank?. That's right homeless people, because of the cold weather right now all the homeless people are in the subways trying to keep warm. Everywhere I went I heard the same thing, any spare change, and me with a big bag of change. By the time I got to the bank I had no spare change, God bless the homeless.

Quick story, Abdul and Paddy are beggars outside Port Authority Bus Station on 42ND street. Abdul has a Mercedes car, a large house in the suburbs and loads of money. Paddy has fuck all. Abdul's begging hat is always overflowing with money, Paddy's has a few coins in it. "How do you do it", asked Paddy. "Look at your sign", says Abdul. Paddy reads his sign. "Out of work and wife and six kids need support". Then he reads Abdul's. "I only need another $10 to get back to Afghanistan".

Actually I only date homeless people these days, because when the date is over you can drop them off anywhere.

A homeless man asked me, can I have $300 for a cup of coffee, I told him, coffees a dollar, he said, yeah, but I want to drink it in Brazil.

Another one came up to me saying, I haven't eaten in two days, I said, you should really force yourself. That was for the other smart fucker.

The homeless can be very funny and imaginative and when they are you got to give it up I think. There's this one homeless guy, Richie, that comes into the bar late at night, that I would hope is a friend, helps me out if I need anything. He usually hangs out around the entrance to the Lincoln Tunnel with a big sign saying, lets do lunch, you pay. Pretty funny right.

Good luck and stay warm, and tip the homeless if you can, especially Richie!!!!

Have you seen my gun!!

That something a bartender never wants to hear, have you seen my gun. I suppose nobody wants to hear that. Well that's the question I got last night New Years Eve.

So its about 2am the morning after New Years Eve, the bar is jammed, everyone is having a great time, all is running smoothly, not one arsehole in the crowd and that's amazing for this night. The cops start showing up after the Time Square festivities, all is good. Its five deep at the bar but thank God everyone is pretty much served, all beers and Whiskey shots. No dickheads ordering Alabama Slammers, Martini's or Lemon drops.

Then I get the question, have you seen my gun. What I say, hoping I'm not understanding the question, have you seen my gun he repeats, No I say.  As I finally look up to see who is asking me this question it makes total sense now.  Its my good friend, let call him Mickey the cop.  Now I know he is telling the truth as its not the first time we have had "issues" with his gun.  I have put a few holes in the ceiling of the bar over the years with his gun, fired his gun out the window of his unmarked police car, (pissing off the highway cops), while on our way to an after hours bar, with a case of beer, bottle of whiskey between my knees and two hookers in the back.  Thats a whole other story.  Well I suppose we better look for it, right, I say to Mickey. So I get the torch out, don't announce to the bar what we are looking for, for obvious reasons and as secretly as we can, we begin the search for the elusive gun. I'm shining the light between the many legs, underneath table and chairs, all we find is pieces of glass, some dirty napskins, empty bottles and a couple of indescribable items, the usual stuff. I would not be surprised if I find a few guns, handcuffs and nightsticks in this bar, well not tonight, no luck so far. Most people are too drunk to notice what we are doing. So far, nothing at the bar or restaurant area, last chance the bathrooms, again no sign. So I go into the last stall to go to the toilet and low and behold what do I find. Its a gun, a silver shinny nine gage Smith and Weston, right in the middle of the bowl- working in this bar you become very knowledgeable of the many types of guns. Well I hope it is a gun or somebody has some serious problems. So I flag down the owner of the turd gun and I come up with the idea of putting it in the safe until the morning. He's like, sounds good if not just bring it home, I'll see you later, give us a beer will ya, thanks.

Well Happy New Year everyone, and don't forget your guns and to tip your bartender.

Michael Vick

Michael Vick, you know the NFL quarter back that was arrested for setting up a Dog fighting game in his luxurious home in Atlanta, and also cruelty to animals, was sentenced last week to almost two years in jail, actually 23 months. Its funny how things work out sometimes isn't it, as now he will be forced to do it "doggy style" by his cell mate in prison. Don't drop the soap Michael. Who said there was no justice in the world.

Here's one I heard at the bar, what do you think. Three men die on Christmas eve, and to get into heaven saint peter says " you must have something on you that represents Christmas. The Englishman flicks on his cigarette lighter and says its a candle, saint peter lets him pass, a welsh man pulls out a set of keys and jingles them and says they are bells, saint peter lets him pass, and then an Irish man pulls out a g-string and saint peter says how the fuck do they represent Christmas!! the Irish man says they're Carols!!
Cheers everyone, tip your bartender!!

Larry Laprise Dies At Age 93

With all the sadness and trauma going on around the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry Larise, the man that wrote the classic song "hokey pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. It was a very popular song at my bar, anyway the most traumatic part for his family was getting him in the coffin. They put his left leg in, and then the trouble started!!!!!!

That reminds me of a good bar joke, as you know a good bartender must always be ready to tell a joke, my mother used to say to me when I was younger, never let the truth get in the way of a good story, so this ones for you mum.

There's this funeral parade going up this steep hill in Harlem, when all of a sudden the coffin slides out the back of the hurst and starts speeding down the hill with everyone chasing after it. It starts moving faster and faster and nobody can catch it until it flies past the Apollo theater on 125Th street and across the street into a pharmacy (chemist) and stops right at the counter just as the body pops right up out of the coffin. The pharmacist says can I help you, and the person says, can you give me something to stop my coughing

Cheers everyone and don't forget to tip your bartender

The Holidays

The holiday season is warming up unlike the weather and all the drunks are starting to come out. You know people going to holiday work parties and drinking more than they should. For the most part the holiday season is fun and profitable, lots of tips, but what also comes with that is the potential for more drunken pricks. As the crowds grow so does the chance for trouble so we all have to be on our toes, so lets hope its a trouble free Christmas season. What sometimes happens is, people that normally drink a beer decide because its a free bar and the boss is picking up the check to drink double brandy's. So if you normally drink a beer do us all a favor and drink a beer and not a double brandy you greedy fuck, you will thank me later.

I bought my girlfriend two things for Christmas this year, a pair of slippers and a vibrator. She said to me why did you buy me two gifts, I said well if you don't like the slippers you can go fuck yourself. I bought her a chair for Christmas last year but she want plug it in!!!!

Why can't you say Merry Christmas anymore, I said to a customer at the bar, Merry Christmas, and he said its actually Happy Holidays, when did this happen, I must have missed it. When is this political correctness shite going to stop, its Merry Fuckin Christmas Right!!

Are they going to change all the Christmas songs, like the classic Bing Crosby Christmas song, I wish you a Merry Christmas, or the Bruce Springsteen song, Merry Christmas Baby, too, I wish you a Happy Holiday, and Happy Holidays Baby, whats next?

So Merry Christmas everyone, now go out and have a Christmas drink and be extra generous to your bartender, because its Christmas!!!

Christmas

I love Christmas, I think there's no place like New York City particularly at Christmas, the city is one bright light, the stores are all decked out and there's music and carol singers everywhere, the Rockefeller Christmas tree and skating at the Wollman ice rink at Central Park - Ohh Christmas.

I remember growing up watching Christmas movies like Miracle on 34Th street, home alone and a Christmas story, thinking one day I want to live there and here I am, I know it all sounds lame but I don't care. By the way, do you know how to make a snow angel- You kill a snow man.

I remember saying to my mother one Christmas, don't buy me the bicycle I wanted for Christmas as I found one in the back of the closet. Another time I said to my dad that I had my eye on a bicycle for Christmas, he said keep your eye on it because you will never get your arse on it, and you wonder why I turned out the way I did!!!

This lady came up to me at the bar last night and asked me if I would kiss her under the mistletoe, I said I wouldn't kiss you under an anesthetic, sometimes people you just have to be honest.

Cheers everybody here's to a great Christmas season now get out and buy some gifts and have some eggnog- but don't ask me for eggnog.

John Mayer Does Comedy?

It was Sunday night, my night off from the bar, so I decided to go to the Comedy Cellar Comedy Club on Macdougal street which is between west 3rd and Bleecker street and we all got a surprise guest appearance from yours truly John Mayer, you know the singer. Well let me tell you all he's a better singer, he was about as funny as a snot in my cup of tea. I will give him credit for getting up there and giving it a go. I went there to see one of my favourite comedians Dave Attel, who is always funny and original. If your in New York you have to go to the comedy cellar as its the best in the city. Anyway we had a great New York night and only in New York can you go out to a comedy club and see the singer John Mayer do stand up comedy. Well I just wanted to share that story with you and your welcome.

I was with my beautiful girlfriend at the show and we had a great time, we have been dating a while now and all is good, but as we all know dating can be tough. I remember one time dating a girl all summer long because she had air conditioning and I didn't, sometimes you just need to survive, you know it gets hot in New York in the summer. I dated a cop for a while, for years the law was doing me, but then I was doing the law- I loved it. There all hard, being married, single you have to work on them all. It basically boils down to; do you want to be lonely or annoyed and whichever one you can handle the best you should go for it. Well as we all know New York is not cheap so I must get back to the bar to make some money so cheers for now and remember to tip your bartender.

Alcohol

Alcohol doesn't make you fat, it makes you lean....... against tables, floors, chairs, walls and ugly fuckers, so be careful my friends.
You know when you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name and you've never been there before. Alcoholic friend of mine getting married and he is registered to the local liquor store. He tried the alcoholic anonymous 12 step program but he fell down the steps.
Happy holidays everyone now go out and have a drink and tip your bartender, cheers!!!

Dane Cook in MSG

The bar is busy as people are coming in to warm up from the cold. Making a lot of hot whiskeys and Irish coffee's. On my night off on Sunday, I went to see the Comedian Dane Cook in Madison Square Garden. Always exciting to go to the Garden as they say its the worlds most famous arena. Anyway Dane Cook was pretty funny, you have to give it too him, he sold out two shows in the one night just him no warm up artists, just him. He said that his dad would always say to him when he was a kid, "Don't try and pull the wool over my eyes, you know I've been around the block" and Dane would say " that's because your too drunk to find the house", I taught that was pretty funny and it reminded me of my dad.

Did you hear today in the New York Daily Newspaper that the lead singer from Metallica, Jimmy Hetfield was arrested today in Kennedy Airport for continually setting off the heavy metal detectors?

New drink in the bar is called a Starburst which is, all the flavored Stoli's and cranberry juice in a shot, and were not finished there, then you drop it in a half pint of red bull. My friend, lets say "Bob" had this drink and before he noticed ended up with more southern hospitality than he excepted, grits and all. How do you get two people together that have no reason being together- Starburst!!! But did he get the real southern hospitality, that's for our imagination.

Cheers Bob and good luck to all, tip your bartender!!!

New York City Marathon

Marathon weekend in New York, its a great day and very inspiring. I heard a polish man won the race and he did a lap of honor, now that's a long lap. I love to run myself and Central Park where I usually go is one of the most remarkable and beautiful parks I have ever seen, I think New Yorkers take it for granted and don't realize how amazing it is, anyway I went to buy a new pair of running shoes in foot locker on 44TH and Time square the other day, when I got home I noticed that there was only one shoe lace in the box, I was obviously a little pissed off but then I read the box and it said "Taiwan"- think about it people.

I went up to see the end of the Marathon at Columbus circle at the south west corner of Central Park, I got the A train from 42ND street and 8TH ave right to 59TH and Columbus Circle, the subway is the best way to get around in this town.

If your a tourist go down to any subway station ask the person in the booth for a free subway map get your bearings and go off and explore this great city, its that easy- except for all the people, the un-audible announcement on the subway trains and the rude staff, its all good, that's why its important to have your map and be prepared, plus there is always a map on the trains and the platforms.

For the New Yorkers we all know that the seat underneath the map on the subway is the worst seat on the train as people are contently coming up looking at the map and sticking there dirty sweaty balls, big tits or smelly arse's in your face while they are figuring out what stop to get off at!!! Enjoy and Cheers for now.