New Chapter in America

There's a new chapter in America but unfortunately its chapter 11. I come into work these days and I see less people- well the after work crowd that is. I come into work at 6pm to start my night, well at least I'm supposed to be there at 6pm however that's a bit of a laugh. Customers actually bet on when I will arrive at work how many minutes after six I will show up. I hear some cheers and some groans, mostly groans when I walk in the door, people cursing me as I walk through the door for not showing up at their designated time.
Anyway don't get me wrong business is still pretty good in the bar, I'm not complaining. Bars will always be good during hard times, there recession proof as one customer put it today. People are getting laid off for sure, but some of them I have always wondered how they had a job in the first place, real fucking dip shits, where the others I'm genuinely sorry for and I wish them all the best.

You hear some funny things, some funny conversations while working behind the bar, so many to remember but here's one I remember from last night. This guy says to this girl, whats your zip code, she's like what, again he says, whats your zip code, everybody asks for the phone number I just want the zip code- he was funny, not sure if he ever did get the zip code.

Well as we all know times are hard right now but please, tip your bartender!!

Freud You!!

Pretty quiet night tonight, Veterans day, a lot of people off work. So these two people walk into the bar tonight, not a couple as they are a little bit awkward towards each other but are obviously friends. So I say hi what are you having, the guy says right away, I'll have a bud, the girl takes her time can't make up her mind, obviously first time in a bar!  Right away I know this person, pain in the arse, crying out for attention, wants the world to wait on her, however these people can be interesting and sometimes fun!  Definitely didn't get a hug when she was a child.
Eventually asks for a rum and coke- after all that. So about ten minutes pass and she says, do you know how to make a cosmopolitan, yes I say, and he orders another bud. Another ten, twenty minutes pass and then she says to me can you make me a Black Russian, you know how to make it. I say listen, you know love, this is not my first night, oh really she says. Remember she is curving attention.
So this is where the fun begins. She finishes the earlier cosmopolitan and while I'm in the middle of a conversation with another customer, she says, take my empty class away, do you know how to be a bartender. I look at her laugh and continue my conversation. You need to nip that in the butt right away or else they will walk all over you. Listen people I know my job detail, but I'm a human being behind this bar as well.
Then she says, whats wrong with you, where are you from, what month were you born, why do you hate yourself and so forth. I say, pretending to cry, maybe I just need a hug. Darling, I say- just to keep it fun, enough of the psycho babble bullshit, save it for someone that cares. You know what Freud said, "The Irish are imperious to psychoanalyses", let it go sweetheart. Don't you think I'm a beautiful woman, do you not want me, she says. Beauty comes in many forms I say and you are so ugly in the inside. So now she does a total 360 on me, now she tells me that she lives up the street and wants me to fuck her. Typical, girl that looks confident on the outside, mean and aggressive, goes through her whole life hating and being mean to people, when in reality she hates herself and is so insecure. I say to her, you have the sex appeal of a school bus fire, I wouldn't fuck you with his cock- pointing at her friend. Before you get upset with me people, trust me she had it coming and now maybe she will not be such a bitch to people in the future. Eventually her friend says to her, your being an asshole time to go home. Best of luck to you Darling your going to need it.

Remember were not just bartenders we are psychiatrists too, so don't forget to tip.

Full Moon Tonight

It was one of those nights that every bartender knows and feels before they happen. It started out when I came into work at 6pm to start my night. There is this drunk at the end of the bar and right away I'm pissed off that he is being served and still in the bar. It doesn't take much to piss of the start of the night for a night bartender, we are very fragile. So the day bartender says to me, don't serve that guy, he's fucked up, but it was OK for you to serve him, and why would you care, your out of here anyway- fucking prick. So I say, you served him you get rid of him. I didn't serve him he says, so I say, where did he get the Heineken. Listen, why don't you think before you talk, I'm sick of you serving obviously fucked up people and saying, you have a good night and running out the door, only for me to handle the shit you left behind. If your a night bartender you know what I'm talking about. Well I eventually get this fuck head out of the bar after he comes in a few more times not realizing that I just fucked him out before. Unfortunately my night goes from bad to worse.

A few hours go by and all of a sudden a major brawl starts. Its not one of those fights when nobody really wants to fight, a bunch of hand bags and pocket books thrown. These people really wanted to hurt each other. These fights happen at best once a year. What I have learnt over the years as a bartender is not to be a hero. I have loved one's to go home too. Fights usually break themselves up. Don't be a hero, they bury hero's. As the Marines and the Rangers say, we don't die for our country, we live for our country. If anybody knows me, I'm not the one to run from a fight but this shite is ridiculous. There are some nights in the bar when I'm like, fuck I would love a bit of action right now, a good beating, a bit of anarchy, get in close to somebody and really give it a go. Remember, I have an advantage I'm sober, well usually anyway. Listen if a fight lasts more than 10 seconds and your in it your in big trouble. So remember that when a fight starts and your working behind a bar, by the time you get around the bar the fight is usually over, but if the fight is still going on after you get around the bar, that's a fight you have no business getting in, and you certainly do not want to be in it.

So here's to the full moon tonight and a full tip jar, so please, don't forget to tip your bartenders!!

Halloween

Great night at the bar last night all the jowls and monsters were out for Halloween. This one guy was dressed like a clans man with a big white sheet over him and a pointy hat. I said to him where did you get the costume at the k.k.k Mart.

This bunch of gay lads came in the bar and I like the gays, they tip well and are nice, anyway they say it takes a village to rise a family, but not the village people, they were the gayest people I have ever seen, well the bar is close to Chelsea, the gay capitol of New York City.

There's nothing as funny as seeing a grown man walking down 10Th avenue at 6am the morning after Halloween dressed like a slut with high heels and fish net shocking on coming home by yourself, try to explain that one, it kinda reminded me of the old days.

Happy Halloween everyone and don't forget to tip your bartender, no candy please!!

Last chapter?

This was supposed to be a short term gig, work as a bartender for a while make some money have lots of fun, do some travelling and position myself for the next big deal. Well that was the plan anyway. Well ten years has almost passed and I'm still a bartender on the lovely west side of Manhattan, Hells Kitchen area, the Manhattan Riviera. Business is still good considering our economic times, the same people come through the doors, slaves to their jobs, coming in before they take their two hour bus or train from Port Authority or Penn Station only to come back the next day to do it all again, what an existence. Everybody is living for their 401k and pension, pension this and pension that, and they forget to live for the moment. By the looks of things there will be nothing left anyway, no 401k or pension. Its when I see these people that I realize things for me are not so bad. I live up the street, have a ton of fun behind the bar, I've met some incredible people, made lots of friends, I see my boss once in a while, nobody really bothers me, except for the odd gangster, robber, homosexual, lesbian, midget and pervert. You know what? Bring it on, here's to another night behind the bar.

And don't forget to always tip your bartender.

My Aunt Died

Well today my favourite Irish aunt died, she lived a great long life. She was actually 106 years young when she died, so don't feel to bad.

We used to call her antique. She used to go up to statues and say to people "I fucked him". She used to go into the store Old Navy looking for sailors.

My friend Dave today actually asked me how she died, oh she died of a heart attack after teaching a crunch yoga class, she died of a heart attack in the mosh pit at a Metallica concert, her shoot didn't open- she was 106 everybody. By the way whats the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral- one less drunk. Rest In Peace!!

Cheers to my aunt, now go out and have a drink and tip your bartender!!!

Lawyers

I have a lawyer friend that comes into the bar, he's a nice guy but he is a lawyer so you have to fuck with them.

I said to him, whats the difference between a prostitute and a lawyer, a prostitute will stop fucking you when your dead.

I guy comes into the bar shouting and screaming the other night saying, all lawyers are assholes, all lawyers are assholes, this man runs up to him and says, I'm offended by that, the other guy says, what are you a lawyer, no he says, I'm an asshole.

This women goes to the doctor and asks the doctor, can women get pregnant from anal sex, of course they can says the doctor, where do you think lawyers come from!!!!

So he says to me, why are there no Irish lawyers, because they can't pass the bar. I suppose I had that one coming. Cheers

My Friend Arthur

My good old Jewish friend Arthur comes into the bar tonight all happy and smiling. Right there I know somethings wrong. I ask him why you so happy. He tells me he just won the new york state lottery, ten million dollars to be exact- drinks for everybody. Well, after the bar slows down I ask him, so Arthur whats next, what are you going to do with your winning. Now let me tell you about Art, he's a tough fucker, eighty nine years old, survived the holocaust, he's seen and been through it all. So anyway he says, first I'm going to donate half of the winnings, that's five million dollars to the Nazi party. I'm like what, are you losing your mind. No he says I'm going to donate half the winning five million to the Nazi party. I say, why would you do that after what they did to you and your people. Well its like this, he says, they gave me the numbers!!!
So there is a God after all.

So good luck to you Arthur and to you all, and please don't forget to tip your bartender!!

George Michael In The Garden Tonight

Busy night in the bar tonight, busier than a usual Monday night. George Michael was in Madison Square Garden tonight, that is probably why we were busier than normal, apparently still a lot of Wham and George Michael fans around. What's white and slides down the bathroom wall? George Michael's latest release- Just kidding George.

Talking about celebrities, David Hasselhoff was in the bar tonight. You remember him from Bay Watch or what we liked to call it Wank Watch. Maybe he's a George Michael fan, or maybe is was meeting him in the toilet, who knows. Anyway he comes up to the bar and I say, hello David Hasselhoff what can I get you, he says please call me "Hoff". Sure no problem "Hoff". Whatever weirdo. So by the end of the night everybody in the bar is calling him "Hoff". "Hoff" this and "Hoff" that. I was actually getting a bit sick of this so when he comes up to the bar I say to him, so why do you want to be called "Hoff", what with all this "Hoff" bullshit. He says listen I don't want any Hassel !!!

See you all later and please tip your bartender!!!

I Swear You Can't Make This Shit Up.

I was telling these people in the bar one day how in Ireland the fish particularly the salmon are jumping out of the water. There is actually one place in County Kerry where if you lean over this bridge as the salmon are coming up the river, you can actually grab them out of the air, as they jump out of the water. So these two Polish guys overhear my conversation and they tell me they are actually stopping off in Ireland on there way to Poland next week, and they will go and try to catch some Salmon. I tell them exactly where this place is in Kerry. They leave and tell me they will be back in the bar in a few weeks and will tell me what happened.
So sure enough a few weeks go by and these two Polish guys come back into the bar. Here's their story, its priceless.
So we get to County Kerry in Ireland and we locate the bridge where the salmon are supposed to be. So I lean over the bridge while from friend holds my feet so I can get down low. So after about an hour my friend starts screaming and shouting, "Pull me up, pull me up", so I say to him, "Did you get a Salmon", "No " he says, " There's a train coming".
I swear you can't make this shit up.

People say to me all the time, "Oh with that accent you must get laid all the time", by the way you might have a point but I was not exactly a virgin when I came to New York. So in a way its not a compliment, what their actually saying is, if you didn't have an accent you wouldn't get laid you ugly fucker. Thanks people.
By the way I had a pop tart today, my doctor told me I have to eat more fruit- feeling Great.
Cheers for now and don't forget to tip your Bartender!!!

The New York Yankee's

Three baseball fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road, they stopped and discovered a nude female dead drunk. Out of respect and propriety, the Yankee's fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The cubs fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast.
Following their lead, but with some grumbling, the red sox fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.
The police were called and when the oficer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted the Yankee's cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes, next he lifted the cubs cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. The officer then lifted the red sox cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.
The red sox fan was getting upset and finally asked, what are you some kind of a pervert?, Why do you keep lifting and looking?, Well said the officer, I am simply surprised, normally when I look under a red sox cap, I find an arsehole !!!!

Went to the New York Yankee's baseball game today, D train right to Yankee stadium. I got talking to this man seating beside me today and beside him was an empty seat so I said to him its unusual to see an empty seat at a Yankee's game he said that he bought it for his wife but she died. I said to him that I was very sorry but could you not have given it to one of your friends or family members, he said their actually a very strange bunch, their all at the funeral. Talk about a die hard Yankee fan!!!

This reminds me I was at a funeral with my friend last month and they waked the person at his home, so we met up at a local bar before we were to go to the house. Well we drank maybe a bit to much, you know what funerals are like, anyway we arrive at the home a little late we go into the home and because we were so drunk that instead of knelling down at the coffin to pay our respects we knelled down at the piano. So I say, dead that he is, he sure had a great set of teeth and my friend says yes he did but he had a bad one here and there. We left and went right back to the bar.

I went with my girlfriend to the game today, I kissed her between the strikes and she kissed me between the balls.

The Edge the lead guitar player for the band u2 today donated his 1975 Gibson guitar to the New Orleans hurricane disaster fund, he said he wanted to give away something that he would miss, how about your house the people of New Orleans said.
That reminds me, Bono was doing a concert in his home town of Dublin recently and started clapping his hands and saying to the crowd, every time I clap my hands a person in Africa dies. Somebody shouted up from the crowd, well Bono, stop clapping your fucking hands then.
He also recently fell off the stage in Croke Park in Dublin, he fell over the Edge!!!!
Cheers for now, and remember to tip your bartender!!

Drinks

In a recent study, scientists believe that coffee can reduce the effects of alcohol on the liver, they say that two cups of coffee a day can as much as half the effects on the liver, today senator Ted Kennedy crashed into a Starbucks.

People love car bombs (half pint of Guinness and a half shot of baileys and Irish whiskey) and Jager bombs ( half pint of red bull and shot of jager ), you drop shot into pint and chug away, sound terrible but there gooood.

When did a Vodka and Cranberry turn into a Cranberry and Vodka, its like asking for Jelly and Peanut butter, its always been a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and always will, just as it will always be a Vodka and Cranberry, stop fucking with the drink ordering process people.

By the way has anyone noticed that beer is now cheaper than gas, so drink but don't drive.

Remember to tip your bartenders!!!

New Yorkers And Their Pets

As we all know us New Yorkers love our pets. Once in a while we have people come in to the bar with their pets, dogs, cats, gerbils,(we are very close to Chelsea), and so on. For me the only pets I can handle right now are goldfish. I named my goldfish number one and number two. When one died I had two!!

When it gets slow late at night and the kitchen is closed I don't mind when the locals bring their dogs in. I have this one man, lets call him Kevin, anyway he goes out every night to walk his dog and pops into the bar and has about four shots of vodka and then goes home to the wife, he always walks the dog. He was telling me one time that he had to leave town unexpectedly so his wife had to walk the dog. So she is walking the dog and as they go by the bar the dog makes a right and head straight for the front door of the bar all excited and barking for us to open the door. The dog ratted him out, so no more late night walking the dog for Kevin.

Another time this guy walks into the bar and says to this guy that has this dog sitting under his table, does your dog bite, no he says and the man goes to pat the dog on the back, just as he does this the dog takes a big bite out of his arm. The guy screams and shouts at the guy, I thought you said your dog doesn't bite, he says, that's not my dog!! Another time a guy says, is that Jack Russell's, no he says, its mine.

Stevie wonder came into the bar one night with his dog, picks his dog up by the tail and starts swinging it around his head. I say to him, Stevie what the fuck are you doing, he says, I'm just having a look around!! Did you ever see his wife....... Neither has he.

People please stop decorating your dogs. Stop putting these ridiculous outfits on your dogs. They are so embarrassed and they are already wearing a coat, they are born with one already on you sick fuckers. That reminds me, guys if your on a date don't get a doggy back, it makes you look like a little pussy. While your at it, you may as well as get your balls and put them in a doggy bag because you won't be needing them that night......... and your welcome.

Now go out and get yourself a nice cold beer and remember to tip your bartender!!!

I Love My Neighbors

So this pretty young girl walks into the bar and asks me for a martini. I make the martini and I go on doing my thing. I have never seen this girl in the bar before so I ask her has she ever been in the bar before, just really being welcoming to her. She tells me she just moved in to the high rise building across the street. She is sitting at the end of the bar and from our vantage point we can actually see her apartment her exact window across the street- fifth floor third window from the left as she so elegantly points out. Then she goes on to say I love to walk around the apartment naked and as you can see I never put curtains on my windows. I think we can all see where this is going. I make a few more drinks and another martini for our new neighbor. Well about two hours pass a little chit chat and she says to me, well I think its time for me to go home take off my cloths and call it a night. Don't forget where I live pointing up to her window across the street. I say nice talking to you hope to see you soon! I'm thinking I will be seeing her very soon and very naked. I keep saying to myself so I don't forget, fifth floor, third window from the left, fifth floor, third window from the left. I'm not some kind of a pervert but come on!!
So sure enough lights come on, fifth floor, third window from the left and our new neighbor appears. She starts to do a strip just for me as I watch from the bar across the street. So I open up a beer- I feel its appropriate, sit down and enjoy the show.

So thank you neighbor for the show and I didn't even have to tip her, but please always tip your bartender.

Good Advice?

There was this man at the bar last night and he says to me that his wife's not well. He says he brought his wife to the doctors office for a complete examination and they have narrowed it down to two things, his wife either having Alzheimer's disease or aids. He was obviously very worried and didn't know what to do. This is when the advice of the bartenders is critical.

So I say to the man, here's what you do. When your going home tonight with your wife, drop her off a few blocks from where you live, and if she makes it home don't fuck her!!!

That reminds me of another similar story. This man brings his wife to the doctors and the doctor examines his wife and says that his wife has Tom Jones-ism. The man is like, what!! Again the doctor says, I've examined your wife and she has Tom Jones-ism. So the man says to the doctor, is that rare, no the doctor says, but its not UNUSUAL.
He said his wife's was an angel, I said your lucky my wife is still alive.
Happiness is having a loving, close knit family in another country.

Cheers for now and remember to tip your bartender!!!

I'm a little sad

I just broke up with the girlfriend, but it was a good break up as break ups go, like we split the apartment in New York City in half, she got the inside. She used to say to me, "you remind me of the ocean" I would say "wet and wild" no she would say " you make me fucking sick'. We used to hold hands a lot, because if we ever let go we would probably fuckin kill each other.  The good thing about being married or being in a relationship is that when you go home, there is somebody there- the bad thing about being married or in a relationship is that when you go home, there is somebody there!!

Well I have been married twice, what can I say, I love wedding cake. The first wife died in a wishing well, I didn't know they worked.  No seriously the first wife died of eating poisoned mushrooms, the second wife died of a fractured scull, she wouldn't eat her mushrooms. Really my last wife died of V.D, my friend said to me, nobody dies of V.D, I said, they do when they give it to me. She actually talked through her nose because her mouth was worn out!!

I said to my girlfriend "were you faking it last night', no she said "I really was asleep"

People; don't fall in love with a heroin addict they have a lot of love but its all in vein.

A girl said to me that I don't have honest eyes, I'm like, I just want to sleep with you not borrow a thousand dollars.

I was in bed with my girlfriend the other night and she said she would like to try something different tonight, how about the 69, I said you want chicken and broccoli at 5am in the morning. That's the great thing about NYC you can always find a Chinese restaurant open, so we went down to wo hops on 17 Mott street in China town- open 24 hours.

I am actually selling a full set of Britannica encyclopedia's if anyone is interested, I don't need them any more girlfriend knows fuckin everything.

Talk to you all later, please remember to tip your bartender!!

Old People

We get a lot of older people in the bar from time to time. I love talking to older people and spending time with them. We are all getting older that's for sure, even me!!! We had the monthly chess meeting in the bar tonight in the back room. They are all older people and pretty dull to be honest with you. They have dinner in the back room and then talk and play chess, whoo hoo, how exciting. It takes them two hours to pass the salt.

You know when your getting old when you fall and nobody laughs. These people are so old that they remember when Elvis was alive the first time. You know your getting old when your toes out number your teeth, (that could be a southern red neck joke too) . This guy from the chess club said he went to give blood and they told him his blood type was discontinued. This guy said he remembered when casual sex meant no tie on, when safe sex was having the handbrake on in the car. His birth certificate was carved in stone.

Anyway, so I'm on my way home tonight in a taxi as it was raining, I only live a few blocks away and the taxi crashes into the back of another taxi. Well this little midget comes walking out of the taxi we just ran into, and my taxi drivers says to the little dwarf, which one are you, he says "well I'm not happy".

Talking about midgets and dwarfs, did you hear about the gay midget? he came out of the cupboard.

Cheers for now and remember to tip your bartender!!

Please Don't throw Bar Stools At Bartenders

Don't throw bar stools at bartenders? So last night these two guys and one girl walk into the bar at 330am and I can see by them they are pretty fucked up. Now I don't want somebody Else's headache, so what I usually say is, sorry guys I can't serve you, you've had too much but come back tomorrow and I will buy you a beer. This is when these drunk fucks usually say to themselves, a free drink tomorrow sounds good and they leave-like I'm ever or they will ever remember about the free drink tomorrow.
So anyway this scumbag picks up a bar stool and throws it right at me. I suppose he thought I said chairs instead of cheers!!
So I duck and miraculously the stool misses me and lands behind me and nothing breaks. Now I'm pissed off and I start to run around the bar to get to him. He runs out the doors like a fucking coward that he is, and I catch up to him about 10 feet outside the door, again he swings at me, I duck again for the second time and I put him to the ground. Lets just say he will not be coming around here again. Its funny how the loudest person in the bar is usually the weakest. On a personal note, thanks to all my friends at the bar that had my back and were and are always there for me.
Cheers to all my friends and family and don't forget to tip your bartender!!!

Happy St. Patrick's Day

Well happy St. Patrick's day everyone, here's to the wearing of the green, kiss me I'm Irish and all that shite. I actually enjoy St. Pats day, it's a crazy day but where I work I usually work by myself but on this day everybody works, all hands on deck, so in a way I can enjoy the holiday more. The music is loud and the green beer is flowing. What's the difference between an onion and a bagpipe? nobody cries when you chop up a bagpipe. Irish handcuffs, a beer in each hand.

On a sad note two Irish guys last night drowned in the Hudson River, they said they were trying to do the Riverdance!!

People this year can you please stop asking me do I know Pat Murphy from Dublin, I know I'm from Ireland but there are over six million in Ireland and most of them live in Dublin. Please don't say you would love to go to Ireland, its not like its the moon, its six hours away on a plane. Go to JFK Airport book a flight and go shithead, you will be there in no time. By the time this ridiculously boring conversation, that I'm having with you is over you will already be there. Its harder to go to the upper east side.

Happy St. Patrick's Day everyone, and please don't forget to tip your bartender!!!!

Smoking

As we all know you can't smoke in bars in New York City anymore, I personally think its a good Idea, but I can understand how you smokers might be pissed off.

Anyway, these two old lady's were smoking outside the bar one night and it started to rain and one lady pulled out a condom out of her pocket, cut the end of it off and rolled it over the cigarette, kinda like a cigarette rain coat, the lady beside her was amazed with this new invention.
She says to the other lady, how can I get one of those things. The other lady says, just go down to the local drug store and ask them for a packet of condoms. So the lady goes into the pharmacist at the drug store the next day and says, can I have a condom please. The pharmacist says, what kind and size do you want. The lady looking a little puzzled says, I'm not that sure really, once it fits over a Camel !!!!!!

By the way, how many condoms can you get out of a rubber tire, 365 if its a Goodyear !!

Cheers for now and remember to tip your bartender.

Girls!!!

As a bartender girls are everywhere, as I said in a earlier blog, bartending, its the most fun you can have with your pants on, sometimes off. Anyway I was home the other night with my girlfriend after a long hard night behind the bar. I went to bed and fell asleep right away. The next day my girlfriends starts complaining about my stamina and sexual drive in the sack. So I try to tell her that I was tired and that's all it was, nothing more nothing less. Well now I'm getting a bit paranoid so I ask this older man at the bar for some Viagra. The next night I take six Viagra and wash them down with five Red Bull's when I'm leaving the bar- anyway the funeral is next week!!!

Talking about Viagra, I was driving upstate New York a while ago and I get to one of those tolls, well I'm looking around for some change and I can't find any change anywhere, I reach into my pocket and I find a Viagra pill, I throw it into the change area, and the toll arm goes straight up. Well the next day I'm heading back to Manhattan and I'm going by the same toll and I notice the toll arm is still up!! That shit really works.

Another time I took one and it got stuck in my throat, I had a stiff neck for a week. To be honest I have never taken a Viagra, but the commercial really cracks me up. You know the commercial that says "if you have a hard on that lasts more than six hours please call your doctor. Listen people, if I have a hard on that lasts more than six hours I'm calling every girl I have ever known!!

While I"m "expressing" myself, did you ever see how many onion rings you can fit on your penis, you better let them cool off first but, I made that mistake.

I've been using anti wrinkle cream to look younger but they don't work, my balls still look all wrinkly and old looking.

Well I think that's enough "expressing" myself for now, good luck and cheers for now and remember to tip your bartender!!

New York Bartender

Vanna White you know from the television game show wheel of fortune came into the bar the other night, she is a very beautiful, and nice lady, but don't ask her about her show whatever you do. I suppose she must get sick of the same stupid questions, god knows I do. Anyway I asked her what her favorite letters were and she said, F and U or FU. How about that?

As you all know I'm a Bartender in Midtown, Manhattan, why do people tell me things that they think I might be remotely interested in. They tell me the most painful load of crap, how dare they think I could be interested in this shite. You know I can't get that ten minutes of my life back. Hey mister, I don't give a fuck about your kids piano lessons. We all love a good story but most of it is a load of crap, tell it to someone who cares, here's a quarter call someone who cares. I'm like a doctor , I should charge these fuckers by the minute. I was in the bathroom at the urinal and this drunk man comes in and started talking to me and then puts his hand around me. My rule in the toilet is simple, don't touch me when I'm touching me, that's simple right.
One night I was working, it's a slow night and I notice this guy walks into the bathroom and after about half and hour I notice he hasn't came out yet. So I walk in to the bathroom and he's just standing there, I say to him what are you doing, he says, I'm waiting for an employee to wash my hands, as he points to the sign on the wall "employees must wash hands". Do I have to say anything else? I don't think so

Thanks and cheers everyone and please tip your bartender!!

President George Bush

Congratulations to President Barack Obama. I think America is ready for a black President, well the last one was retarded so why not a black president. George Bush was in the Bar last night and looking to get laid. He asks this brunette girl at the bar, I'm the President of America how much would it cost me to spend some time with you? She replied, $200. Then he asks this red headed girl, the same question, and her reply was $100. Lastly he asks this blonde and she replies, Mr President, if you can get my skirt as high as my taxes, my pants as low as my wages, your dick as hard as the times we are living in, and keep it rising like the price of gas and screw me the way you have the people, then it won't cost you a fucking penny!!
My mother always used to say to me, never let the truth get in the way of a good story.
Cheers for now and please remember to tip your bartender.

Happy Presidents Day

Well the bar is closed today for Presidents day, its always nice to get an extra day off, so happy Presidents day everybody. God bless all. President George Bush said he really loves Presidents day, as he always looks forward to all the presents.

President Bush said every illegal immigrant coming to America should learn English, "if I was moving to Canada I would learn Canadian" way to go George!!! I am definitely getting audited this year. He was recently in England and he had to go in to hospital for an emergency circumcision, but the doctor said he would not be able to do the operation, as he said, there is no end to this prick. When having sex George Bush always has to be on the bottom as he can only fuck up.!!!
Vice President Dick Cheney said today that if everything goes well with the war in Iraq there will be 3 different countries, regular, unleaded, and supreme?

That reminds me of the night Monica Lewinsky came into the bar. So I ask her who will you be voting for in the upcoming Presidential elections. Will you be voting for Hillary Clinton, (don't get a head of me people), Barack Obama or John McCain. She said that she would be voting Republican as the Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth. So I guess its John McCain for President then, thanks Monica.

All good bartenders have jokes, here's one- President Bush, Pope Benedict, and Michael Jackson are on a plane and its going down and they only have 2 parachutes, the crew say to the Pope, we think you should be the first to take a parachute, you need to survive, the Pope says no, I can't, what about the children aboard the plane, President Bush says, fuck the children, and Michael Jackson says, do you think we have time?

Cheers everyone enjoy Presidents Day, God Bless America, and remember to tip your bartender.

The Westies?

This guy in the bar tonight threatens to shoot me. Its always the same the loudest person in the bar is usually the weakest. You should watch the quite guy in the corner he's the one that you need to watch. People that tell you they are in the mob or the Westies and are going to kill you usually don't.

Well it all started when this prick walked into the bar tonight and asks for a Heineken and a chilled shot of patron. Right away I don't like this person and my gut tell me he's no good. I give him the drinks and no thank you or please to be had. Then he says, put the college basketball game on but I tell him somebody is watching the knicks game already so I can't change the channel. I didn't want to change the channel any way for this prick. So with that he says put the fucking game on. Now I say listen wanker that TV is never going to be change now, get the fuck out of here. Here's where the fun starts; do you not know who your dealing with, I'm connected and your a dead man. I'm going to fucking shot you. Again he says, put the fucking game on, again I say, listen scumbag hell will freeze over before I change that TV channel, get the fuck out of here your a nobody just like me. So eventually he leave and then he starts calling up the bar saying he is going to shot me that he is waiting outside the doors, whatever I say you fucking loser. I for one can't put my hands on anyone, but I'm feeling like I want too. So he keeps calling as I can see his name on the caller I.d on the phone. A real Einstein, a real professional gangster. So he keeps calling saying do you not know who I am, I actually say, yes I know who you are your name and number are coming up on the caller Id. I'm the Westies, so fucking what I say. So then he walks into the bar and now I say fuck you this ends right now and as he is entering the bar I push him back out the door and into the garbage outside- a perfect place for this piece of shit. I walk back in the bar and sure enough dickhead starts calling again, but this time he has changed his tune. Now he want to sue me, he says you hurt me I'm going to sue. I say make your mind up, are you going to kill me or sue me, because its very hard to sue a dead guy, and I hang up. Again a few minutes go by and again he calls up but this time I just laugh at him and I hand it to an off duty police officer in the bar and he says to this tough guy, listen what your doing right now is verbal harassment punishable up to a year in jail, I have your name and number from the caller ID and if you don't stop calling we will personally go to New Jersey and grab you out of your house by your balls and you will pay. Now the tough guy starts balling crying saying how sorry he is and all he wanted was for the bartender to put the game on- what a scumbag loser.

Unfortunately these things happen only once in a while- we all need a good laugh now and again, and please don't forget to tip your bartender.

Why Did You Call Me A CUNT

This girl comes in late last night and right of the bat I know this girl is trouble. She starts shouting orders at me, no please or thank you in site. She spills her drink all over the bar and demands me to clean it up right away. Then she demands I make her a new drink no charge, again no please or thank you anywhere. I say I did not spill your drink so if you want another one you will have to pay for it. She starts screaming obsenities at me, so I say, listen cunt get the fuck out of my bar. World war three starts there and then, she starts screaming, fuck you, why did you call me a cunt, I have three degrees and make ten times what you make, fuck you. I say, you might be right but your still a cunt, get the fuck out. Again she starts screaming grabing people at the bar, why did you call me a cunt, why did you call me a cunt. Listen, people think that the word cunt is a bad word. Well its not, its just a word, women in particular you need to get over the word cunt and any other "so called" bad words.  It was America who ruined the word cunt. They think it is some kind of derogatory term for a vagina, or someone who had a vagina, but it has never been that in Ireland where I hail from.  In Ireland and most of the world the word cunt is happy and cheery, like fuckin brilliant and shite. You know the work cunt comes from the latin word cuinty, meaning barron place. So let it go everyone. And where I come from the word cunt is used so much, that in many ways it is used to complement someone, for example, she's a funny cunt, I like that cunt, he's a cool cunt. So again let it go, only then will it become just four letters. Go rent a Lenny Bruce dvd, he was the master of comedy!!

Cheers cunts, tip your bartender!!!

The Homeless

I was on the subway the other day with a big bag of change on my way to the coin star machine at Commerce bank on 42ND and 9Th avenue when I realized it was not a good idea. Whats the last thing you want to see on the way to cash in change at the local bank?. That's right homeless people, because of the cold weather right now all the homeless people are in the subways trying to keep warm. Everywhere I went I heard the same thing, any spare change, and me with a big bag of change. By the time I got to the bank I had no spare change, God bless the homeless.

Quick story, Abdul and Paddy are beggars outside Port Authority Bus Station on 42ND street. Abdul has a Mercedes car, a large house in the suburbs and loads of money. Paddy has fuck all. Abdul's begging hat is always overflowing with money, Paddy's has a few coins in it. "How do you do it", asked Paddy. "Look at your sign", says Abdul. Paddy reads his sign. "Out of work and wife and six kids need support". Then he reads Abdul's. "I only need another $10 to get back to Afghanistan".

Actually I only date homeless people these days, because when the date is over you can drop them off anywhere.

A homeless man asked me, can I have $300 for a cup of coffee, I told him, coffees a dollar, he said, yeah, but I want to drink it in Brazil.

Another one came up to me saying, I haven't eaten in two days, I said, you should really force yourself. That was for the other smart fucker.

The homeless can be very funny and imaginative and when they are you got to give it up I think. There's this one homeless guy, Richie, that comes into the bar late at night, that I would hope is a friend, helps me out if I need anything. He usually hangs out around the entrance to the Lincoln Tunnel with a big sign saying, lets do lunch, you pay. Pretty funny right.

Good luck and stay warm, and tip the homeless if you can, especially Richie!!!!

Have you seen my gun!!

That something a bartender never wants to hear, have you seen my gun. I suppose nobody wants to hear that. Well that's the question I got last night New Years Eve.

So its about 2am the morning after New Years Eve, the bar is jammed, everyone is having a great time, all is running smoothly, not one arsehole in the crowd and that's amazing for this night. The cops start showing up after the Time Square festivities, all is good. Its five deep at the bar but thank God everyone is pretty much served, all beers and Whiskey shots. No dickheads ordering Alabama Slammers, Martini's or Lemon drops.

Then I get the question, have you seen my gun. What I say, hoping I'm not understanding the question, have you seen my gun he repeats, No I say.  As I finally look up to see who is asking me this question it makes total sense now.  Its my good friend, let call him Mickey the cop.  Now I know he is telling the truth as its not the first time we have had "issues" with his gun.  I have put a few holes in the ceiling of the bar over the years with his gun, fired his gun out the window of his unmarked police car, (pissing off the highway cops), while on our way to an after hours bar, with a case of beer, bottle of whiskey between my knees and two hookers in the back.  Thats a whole other story.  Well I suppose we better look for it, right, I say to Mickey. So I get the torch out, don't announce to the bar what we are looking for, for obvious reasons and as secretly as we can, we begin the search for the elusive gun. I'm shining the light between the many legs, underneath table and chairs, all we find is pieces of glass, some dirty napskins, empty bottles and a couple of indescribable items, the usual stuff. I would not be surprised if I find a few guns, handcuffs and nightsticks in this bar, well not tonight, no luck so far. Most people are too drunk to notice what we are doing. So far, nothing at the bar or restaurant area, last chance the bathrooms, again no sign. So I go into the last stall to go to the toilet and low and behold what do I find. Its a gun, a silver shinny nine gage Smith and Weston, right in the middle of the bowl- working in this bar you become very knowledgeable of the many types of guns. Well I hope it is a gun or somebody has some serious problems. So I flag down the owner of the turd gun and I come up with the idea of putting it in the safe until the morning. He's like, sounds good if not just bring it home, I'll see you later, give us a beer will ya, thanks.

Well Happy New Year everyone, and don't forget your guns and to tip your bartender.

Michael Vick

Michael Vick, you know the NFL quarter back that was arrested for setting up a Dog fighting game in his luxurious home in Atlanta, and also cruelty to animals, was sentenced last week to almost two years in jail, actually 23 months. Its funny how things work out sometimes isn't it, as now he will be forced to do it "doggy style" by his cell mate in prison. Don't drop the soap Michael. Who said there was no justice in the world.

Here's one I heard at the bar, what do you think. Three men die on Christmas eve, and to get into heaven saint peter says " you must have something on you that represents Christmas. The Englishman flicks on his cigarette lighter and says its a candle, saint peter lets him pass, a welsh man pulls out a set of keys and jingles them and says they are bells, saint peter lets him pass, and then an Irish man pulls out a g-string and saint peter says how the fuck do they represent Christmas!! the Irish man says they're Carols!!
Cheers everyone, tip your bartender!!

Larry Laprise Dies At Age 93

With all the sadness and trauma going on around the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry Larise, the man that wrote the classic song "hokey pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. It was a very popular song at my bar, anyway the most traumatic part for his family was getting him in the coffin. They put his left leg in, and then the trouble started!!!!!!

That reminds me of a good bar joke, as you know a good bartender must always be ready to tell a joke, my mother used to say to me when I was younger, never let the truth get in the way of a good story, so this ones for you mum.

There's this funeral parade going up this steep hill in Harlem, when all of a sudden the coffin slides out the back of the hurst and starts speeding down the hill with everyone chasing after it. It starts moving faster and faster and nobody can catch it until it flies past the Apollo theater on 125Th street and across the street into a pharmacy (chemist) and stops right at the counter just as the body pops right up out of the coffin. The pharmacist says can I help you, and the person says, can you give me something to stop my coughing

Cheers everyone and don't forget to tip your bartender

The Holidays

The holiday season is warming up unlike the weather and all the drunks are starting to come out. You know people going to holiday work parties and drinking more than they should. For the most part the holiday season is fun and profitable, lots of tips, but what also comes with that is the potential for more drunken pricks. As the crowds grow so does the chance for trouble so we all have to be on our toes, so lets hope its a trouble free Christmas season. What sometimes happens is, people that normally drink a beer decide because its a free bar and the boss is picking up the check to drink double brandy's. So if you normally drink a beer do us all a favor and drink a beer and not a double brandy you greedy fuck, you will thank me later.

I bought my girlfriend two things for Christmas this year, a pair of slippers and a vibrator. She said to me why did you buy me two gifts, I said well if you don't like the slippers you can go fuck yourself. I bought her a chair for Christmas last year but she want plug it in!!!!

Why can't you say Merry Christmas anymore, I said to a customer at the bar, Merry Christmas, and he said its actually Happy Holidays, when did this happen, I must have missed it. When is this political correctness shite going to stop, its Merry Fuckin Christmas Right!!

Are they going to change all the Christmas songs, like the classic Bing Crosby Christmas song, I wish you a Merry Christmas, or the Bruce Springsteen song, Merry Christmas Baby, too, I wish you a Happy Holiday, and Happy Holidays Baby, whats next?

So Merry Christmas everyone, now go out and have a Christmas drink and be extra generous to your bartender, because its Christmas!!!

Christmas

I love Christmas, I think there's no place like New York City particularly at Christmas, the city is one bright light, the stores are all decked out and there's music and carol singers everywhere, the Rockefeller Christmas tree and skating at the Wollman ice rink at Central Park - Ohh Christmas.

I remember growing up watching Christmas movies like Miracle on 34Th street, home alone and a Christmas story, thinking one day I want to live there and here I am, I know it all sounds lame but I don't care. By the way, do you know how to make a snow angel- You kill a snow man.

I remember saying to my mother one Christmas, don't buy me the bicycle I wanted for Christmas as I found one in the back of the closet. Another time I said to my dad that I had my eye on a bicycle for Christmas, he said keep your eye on it because you will never get your arse on it, and you wonder why I turned out the way I did!!!

This lady came up to me at the bar last night and asked me if I would kiss her under the mistletoe, I said I wouldn't kiss you under an anesthetic, sometimes people you just have to be honest.

Cheers everybody here's to a great Christmas season now get out and buy some gifts and have some eggnog- but don't ask me for eggnog.

John Mayer Does Comedy?

It was Sunday night, my night off from the bar, so I decided to go to the Comedy Cellar Comedy Club on Macdougal street which is between west 3rd and Bleecker street and we all got a surprise guest appearance from yours truly John Mayer, you know the singer. Well let me tell you all he's a better singer, he was about as funny as a snot in my cup of tea. I will give him credit for getting up there and giving it a go. I went there to see one of my favourite comedians Dave Attel, who is always funny and original. If your in New York you have to go to the comedy cellar as its the best in the city. Anyway we had a great New York night and only in New York can you go out to a comedy club and see the singer John Mayer do stand up comedy. Well I just wanted to share that story with you and your welcome.

I was with my beautiful girlfriend at the show and we had a great time, we have been dating a while now and all is good, but as we all know dating can be tough. I remember one time dating a girl all summer long because she had air conditioning and I didn't, sometimes you just need to survive, you know it gets hot in New York in the summer. I dated a cop for a while, for years the law was doing me, but then I was doing the law- I loved it. There all hard, being married, single you have to work on them all. It basically boils down to; do you want to be lonely or annoyed and whichever one you can handle the best you should go for it. Well as we all know New York is not cheap so I must get back to the bar to make some money so cheers for now and remember to tip your bartender.

Alcohol

Alcohol doesn't make you fat, it makes you lean....... against tables, floors, chairs, walls and ugly fuckers, so be careful my friends.
You know when you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name and you've never been there before. Alcoholic friend of mine getting married and he is registered to the local liquor store. He tried the alcoholic anonymous 12 step program but he fell down the steps.
Happy holidays everyone now go out and have a drink and tip your bartender, cheers!!!

Dane Cook in MSG

The bar is busy as people are coming in to warm up from the cold. Making a lot of hot whiskeys and Irish coffee's. On my night off on Sunday, I went to see the Comedian Dane Cook in Madison Square Garden. Always exciting to go to the Garden as they say its the worlds most famous arena. Anyway Dane Cook was pretty funny, you have to give it too him, he sold out two shows in the one night just him no warm up artists, just him. He said that his dad would always say to him when he was a kid, "Don't try and pull the wool over my eyes, you know I've been around the block" and Dane would say " that's because your too drunk to find the house", I taught that was pretty funny and it reminded me of my dad.

Did you hear today in the New York Daily Newspaper that the lead singer from Metallica, Jimmy Hetfield was arrested today in Kennedy Airport for continually setting off the heavy metal detectors?

New drink in the bar is called a Starburst which is, all the flavored Stoli's and cranberry juice in a shot, and were not finished there, then you drop it in a half pint of red bull. My friend, lets say "Bob" had this drink and before he noticed ended up with more southern hospitality than he excepted, grits and all. How do you get two people together that have no reason being together- Starburst!!! But did he get the real southern hospitality, that's for our imagination.

Cheers Bob and good luck to all, tip your bartender!!!

New York City Marathon

Marathon weekend in New York, its a great day and very inspiring. I heard a polish man won the race and he did a lap of honor, now that's a long lap. I love to run myself and Central Park where I usually go is one of the most remarkable and beautiful parks I have ever seen, I think New Yorkers take it for granted and don't realize how amazing it is, anyway I went to buy a new pair of running shoes in foot locker on 44TH and Time square the other day, when I got home I noticed that there was only one shoe lace in the box, I was obviously a little pissed off but then I read the box and it said "Taiwan"- think about it people.

I went up to see the end of the Marathon at Columbus circle at the south west corner of Central Park, I got the A train from 42ND street and 8TH ave right to 59TH and Columbus Circle, the subway is the best way to get around in this town.

If your a tourist go down to any subway station ask the person in the booth for a free subway map get your bearings and go off and explore this great city, its that easy- except for all the people, the un-audible announcement on the subway trains and the rude staff, its all good, that's why its important to have your map and be prepared, plus there is always a map on the trains and the platforms.

For the New Yorkers we all know that the seat underneath the map on the subway is the worst seat on the train as people are contently coming up looking at the map and sticking there dirty sweaty balls, big tits or smelly arse's in your face while they are figuring out what stop to get off at!!! Enjoy and Cheers for now.

Morrissey In town tonight

All you Irish and British fans of the smiths, (English man with an Irish heart), will love the return of Morrissey to NY tonight and through the week in one of New York's hippiest and coolest venues the Manhattan Center / Hammerstein ballroom.

Great night tonight at the bar, good crowd with little incidents, loads of tips.

Sometimes I just don't get people, a bunch of people come into the bar at around 345am and ask me for a round of drinks and I oblige them, a couple of pints of beer and a few shots. They pay by credit card and don't leave me a tip, which is fine by me, honestly!!!! Now its about 405am and the guy that just stiffed me asks me for another round after closing time. You want to stay after 4am and give you another round of drinks and you didn't give me a tip, you must be completely fucked in the head. Listen your the first to go arsehole. People want another drink after closing time and you don't tip me, what are you a complete moron, seriously you would have to be, I just don't get people some times.

That reminds me, a man comes into the bar with just a head, he says its his son who was born without a body. He says its his sons 21Th birthday so drinks for everyone. All of a sudden after he helps his son drink his body appears and now his son has a complete body, arms and legs the whole nine yards -its a miracle!!! So they decide to celebrate and have another drink but this time it has the opposite affect and his son turns back into just a head again, the arms and legs disappear and he is once again just a head, so I say to him, " you should have quit while you were ahead " Cheers

New York Yankee's Lose

Earlier this week the New York Yankee's lost in the first round of the baseball playoffs to the Cleveland Indians, the Yankee's and their fans are obviously very sad, and disappointed, but not as sad as the Cleveland Indians as now they have to go back to Cleveland.

By the way, why do Mets fans hate the Yankee's so much. I was working behind the bar during the Yankee's Indians series and there were about ten guys at the end of the bar and they were all routing for the Cleveland Indians, so I say to them are you all from Cleveland because its New York City so you get a lot of tourists, and they say, no were from Queens, what a bunch of jealous wankers, wouldn't you think if you were from Queens, New York you would route for your local New York team against a bunch of fuckin Indians.
There's this Met fan who can't stop masturbating so he goes to the doctors and says, every time I finish masturbating I sing the Mets song, the doctor says don't worry, thousands of wankers sing that song. See you next season, Losers!!!

Porn Stars

I met this porn star at the bar the other day and she said to me that she wanted to go out with me, so I asked her when she was available. She said she was working Tuesday and Wednesday, so how about Thursday, I said how about Monday!!!!!

My friend Joe is a bit of a sick fucker, he told me the other night that he recently bought a blow up doll, as he was not having much luck recently with the ladies. The clerk at the sex shop asks him, do you want a christian or muslin doll, he asks the clerk, whats the difference, the muslin doll blows itself up.!! He said that he only blows it up half way so it makes him feel like he's sleeping with a supermodel, told you he was a sick fucker.

He said to me that he asked his girlfriend to try the missionary position. His girlfriend said whats that position, he says, I stay here and you fuck off to Africa. He said he had sex with a female clown, she twisted his penis into a poodle dog. I think I should quite after that one, good luck for now.

Is New York City Really Safe

Two skinheads were arrested last night in New York City by local police in Time Square, one swallowed battery acid and the other one ate fireworks. The police charged one and let the other one off.
The police station in midtown south on 35th street was broken in to, and all the toilet seats were stolen, when asked about the break in the police captain said " we have nothing to go on".
A polish man was stabbed 52 times in the back last night outside a city cafe, the police said it was the worst case of suicide they have ever seen.
So are we really safe, I will let you make up your own mind. Personally that makes me feel about as safe as a gerbil in a Chelsea pet shop window!!!! Be safe, relax and have a beer.

Cocaine

There's this guy that comes into the bar once in a while maybe once a week. He's well over 300 pound, for you Europeans around 22 stone, either way he's a fat fucker, more chins than a Chinese phone book, wherever he is sitting he's sitting beside you. He had a threesome last night and he was all by himself. Well he has a big coke problem its pretty clear to see, how can you be fat and have a coke problem, what is he snorting sugar. I heard that he did so much cocaine that he got a personal hand written thank you letter from Pablo Escobar. I have to admit I tried it once but I got the bottle stuck up my nose!!!! By the way, any rectal drugs, that would be handy, you could hide them and take them at the same time- just a taught

Did you know that Osama Bin Laden at one time wanted to poison all the cocaine and heroin that came from Afghanistan to American,(as almost all the worlds heroin comes from their). So let me see, Bin Laden wanted to kill all the coke and heroin addicts in America, oh how would we ever get over that, killing all the drug addicts in America, how would we ever get over the loss of all them wonderful stand up people.

Brittany Spears

So Brittany Spears just lost custody of her two young kids, here's my question, who got custody of Brittany Spears, she the one that needs real help, god bless you Brittany and good luck.

Quiet night in the bar tonight but a very eventful ending. So I'm walking out of the bar and its obviously dark so I'm always looking around when leaving the bar, and out of nowhere this guy comes towards me so I think to myself fuck this is not good because as a bartender you always have a few dollars on you. As he comes towards me he stops about two feet away from me and says " do you want a blow job", I was never so relieved if you know what I mean, I thought I was about to get robbed and this guy says "do you want a blow job". I say, get the fuck out of here you sick fuck and he says to me this time, "I will swallow" like now I was going to say well OK then. You never know who or whats out there in the night in New York City.

On Vacation

Just Back from Vacation (holiday), I was actually back in my hometown city for a week. Its kind of strange sleeping in the room where I grow up in again. This room is really small, I don't know how myself and my five brothers ever slept in this room together, there is barely enough room for me now. I used to sleep in the same bed with two of my brothers, and both of them used to wet the bed. I learned how to swim by the time I was three. My mother used to say to me what part of the bed would you like to sleep in and I would say the shallow end please. When I would wake up there would be a rainbow at the end of the bed. She used to tell me that everyday was my birthday, however I found out after, it was only to hide her addiction to cakes and balloons.

We were kinda poor when we were going up as you can probably see, my mother would send me down to the local butchers shop and tell me to ask them for a sheep's head (they were cheap), and tell the butcher to leave one of the legs on, or tell him to leave the eyes in, as it has to see us through the week.

I would get hand me down cloths from all my older brothers and sister, all the cloths they had grown out of, I remember getting hand me down pants from my older brother one time, he was six foot two and I was five foot one, I had to open my fly to blow my nose, I remember wearing the same dress as my teacher, mind you, I think he was more embarrassed than I was.

My parents didn't have enough money to buy me a new suit for my confirmation, so my father bought me a new cap and told me to look out the window, but you know what, we were happy!!!

Back in the Big Apple

Well back in New York City again, sometimes you have to leave NY to realize how amazing, and how much I miss this city. I remember the first time I came to NY, I got a bus from JFK airport to Port Authority bus station on 42nd in Manhattan. So I ask this man outside the bus station where's 34Th and 9Th avenue and he says "go fuck ya self", I was like, yes I have arrived, this is my kind of town. So I eventually start walking downtime and I notice all these religious, Jesus freaks. They are everywhere in Manhattan especially around the bus stations, with their religious speeches and their big crosses everywhere, nothing for nothing, if Jesus comes back to save us all, I think the last thing he wants to see is a cross.

That reminds me, there's a catholic priest and a rabbi outside a deli one day, along comes a young boy walking by and the priest says "how about we grab this kid and screw him" and the rabbi says "out of what". A Priest, a Rapist and a Pedophile walk into a bar....... that was just the first guy!!!!!! I know everyone, I'm going straight to hell for that one, well as my dad would say, Its only a joke.

Drug Testing

Busy at the bar last night, chemical brothers in the Manhattan Center, go check them out they are brilliant. Tips were great and pretty hassle free.

The reason for the headline (drug testing), is because my buddy that is a janitor in the neighborhood just got fired for failing a drug test. Drug tests are good and should be done I think, but do we have to drug test a janitor. Whats the worst thing he's going to do- drop the mop, listen if your 35 years of age and your a janitor you should be able to smoke a joint.

I heard the worst pick up line last night at the bar. You must work in a lumber yard because you've been giving me the wood all night!!!!

Please don't bang on the bar if you want a drink, I don't go to Mcdonald and bang on your counter when I want a Big Mac. By the way whats the deal with Mcdonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't insert "Mc' before the item you are ordering.... It has to be a McChicken sandwich, just a chicken sandwich gets blank looks. Well I'll have a Mcstraw and jam it in your McEyes you fucking McTosser.

Jimmy Buffet in the garden last night

If you all didn't know by my blogger name "newyorkcitybartender", I am actually a bartender in New York City, the big apple. Jimmy Buffet in the garden tonight, great night lots of fun. I never made so many Margarita's as I did tonight, those parrot heads sure like their margarita's on the rocks, straight up, with salt, either way they lapped them up, it was worth the hassle as the tips were good at the end of the night-5am. There an older crowd so they are all pretty well behaved except for this french lad, what an arrogant little shit. I don't want to pick on the french with the old stereotype but it seems some of them think they are so above everyone else and this guy was tiny. Well pal no wonder you have never won a war when you name your cities Toulouse. Talk about a napoleon complex he was so short that when I asked him for his I.D, in the photo you could see his feet. I said to him what was the last women you were inside- the statue of liberty.

I hate these people who always come up to me and say where are you from, I tell them I'm from Ireland and they say I'd love to go there, well what the fuck are you waiting for, there's 10 flight a day mate, its easier to go to Ireland than to get to the upper east side from the west side. Just go to the airport and go, by the time this stupid, boring conversation is over you will be there. I have one guy that comes in maybe twice a week for the last few years and every time he comes in he says I'd love to go, what the fuck are you waiting for, get in a taxi, go to the airport, buy a ticket and you will be there in no time and stop telling me how much you want to go, you prick.

Then other people come to me and say, my friend was in Ireland last week, do you think I give a shit, then they say to me, with that accent you must get laid all the time in New York, its kind off a back handed compliment, I say, well I wasn't exactly a virgin in Ireland.
Thanks I feel better now. See you later now go down to your local watering hole and have yourself a margarita- its on me.

Conversations Overheard At The Bar

Three Doctors are discussing their countries medical achievements. German doctor says " We can take a kidney out of a man and put it in another man, and he will be up and looking for work in six months". English doctor says, "We can take a lung out of a man and put it in another and he will be up and looking for work in five months". Then an American doctor says, we can take an Arsehole out of Texas and put him in charge of the country and we will all be out of work in no time".
Cheers for now and please tip your Bartender!!!

When You Got To Go, You Got To Go!!!

Its been a rough week drinking and again I find myself in this strange apartment drunk again. This time I wake up in this dark room needing to go to the bathroom quick, I'm not talking I can hold it in for a few minutes, I mean my arse is going to sneeze any second now, I mean do farts have lumps. So I'm like were is the fuckin door but all I see is a window so I pull across the curtain to let some light in this dark, disgusting room, and it is there and then that I have to go. I barely get the window open before I launch my arse out the window before my arse sneezes out the window, should not have had all those car bombs. So I'm sitting there with my arse out this strangers window relieved and wondering now, how I'm I going to wipe my arse and get the fuck out of here as quickly as possible, don't get a head of me people, so I wipe my arse on these lovely white curtains that are still in my hand. I obviously got out of there as quickly as possible and for a strange reason I have never seen her again, but chances are I would probably not recognize her anyway.

I went straight home showered up and went back to work. What will happen tonight? By the way don't forget to tip your bartenders especially me, as I had to buy some more underwear and I could do with the cash, Cheers

China Town

I'm talking to this girl Nina at the bar and before we know it, its 4am and we are the only one's left in the bar, the cash is done and we want to party some more. So I have the bright idea to head down to Wo Hops on Mott street in China Town for some chinese food and green beers and I also remember she lives close by in China Town. Its raining outside and for some reason there are no cabs to be had, so I decide, I have a friends car parked up the road so why don't I drive down. We arrive at 17 mott street about 20 minutes later park the car outside and chow down some szechuan chicken and a couple of green beers. If you ever go there ask for chang he will wip you up something special.

So we walk a few blocks to Nina'a apartment go up a few floors to her apartment. We have a couple shots of Patron and before we know it were in the sack. So were getting into it and Nina whispers in my ear, "do you want to tie me up, I really like it" sure why not, what was I surposed to say. She reaches under the bed and pulls out some ropes. I tie her up and all is cool and after about an hour I notice that it is almost 8am and I remember that I must move my friends car that I parked a few blocks away or else it will be towed. So I say to Nina that I will be right back I need to move the car. I start to remove the ropes from around her arms and legs and she says, just leave it, it will be kind of sexy to leave me here, because now you have to come back and rescue me like a sex slave. So of I go in search of the car. I eventually find it and move it across the street about two block away because its alternate side parking day in New York. So I am now heading back to Nina's to free my sex slave when I realize I have no idea where her apartment is now. Everything looks the same right now and I am now starting to panic. Then after about 45 minutes I think I have located the apartment building, I hope, and now I am trying to remember the apartment number, so I just press every button on the panel. I get a lot of fuck offs I assume in chinese until some one comes out of the building. I pretend I live there and walk right in after this person walks out. Now I am trying again to remember what apartment it is again and whether I am actually in the right building. I start shouting out her name and again I get a lot of fuck offs and shut the fuck up, I think. Then I also remember that even if she hears me how is she going to open the door if she is tied up. We really didn,t plan this out too good did we, I just hope she has a room mate.

Well to make a long story short and painfull I had to abandon my search for Nina and her apartment. I hope your ok. In case you are wondering I did see her after so she is fine, well I think it was her, but as you know they all look alike.!!!

Cheers for now, tip your bartender.

Bubbles, one of my favorite customers

I call him bubbles because he always ordered champagne, looked like Jack Nicholson, is full of life, and is just a cool mother fucker. Always love to see Johnny bubbles come into the bar. So Bubbles have been coming in the bar a few months now, so he comes in later than normal this night and says to me, I'm celebrating, champagne for everyone. He continues to tell me that he is having a party and would love me to attend. Actually he says you fucking better attend, so with an invitation like that I head up to park avenue around 5oth street. I go in what looks like an office building and I tell the man at the door my name and he says please sir go right ahead he is expecting you, I love Johnny bubbles.
Well the elevator opens up and the first thing I see are three naked Asian ladies playing pool. So bubbles comes out from one of the rooms, smiling for ear to ear, with two girls with him and a glass of champagne for me- what else. Please he says enjoy everything. Then I see that the Asian ladies are not playing pool at all but are actually using the pool table to do cocaine off it, like Scarface, what a party. Well that's all I can say for now and by the way did I tell you, "I love Johnny Bubbles".

Another girlfriend Gone?

So my girlfriend decided about a month ago to go back home to Ireland, oh well have a nice trip I will miss ya. So about a week after she left she called me to say that see missed me but would be back when her college year was over. She says to me that she wanted me to send her a dildo as they are "hard" to find in Galway, Ireland. She told me to send it to her mothers house in Waterford as she would be back there in a week for a few weeks during her break from college. So the next day I go to the pink pussy cat on west 4Th street, in the Greenwich village and purchase the dildo- that's a whole other story, for the next blog. I get a big green dildo, (I am Irish you know), and post it off to Waterford, Ireland, a small village on the south east side of Ireland about 100 miles south of Dublin.
About a week after I send it I get an amusing call from my girlfriend Helen. She says I forgot to tell you that my mothers name is also Helen- I think you can see where this is going. So she says to me; my mother goes to get the post the other day and notices a box with her name on it sent all the way from America. Her mother says, oh this is nice it must be from my sister in New York. So what a surprise she got when she opened the box. My girlfriend Helen has told me that her mother has not left her bedroom for two weeks,  and her husband couldn't be happier. Now that's a great end to a story isn't it- when everybody is happy, well two out of three is not to bad-poor Helen.

Well back to the bar and don't forget to tip your bartender but please no dildo's!!

Bloody Mary

So I start out in the bar working nights and weekend, there hard shifts particularly the weekend shifts. So I work Sunday brunch, in America they love their brunch, back in Dublin we love our pints of Guinness, here they love their brunch, not sure who's right. Anyway I've been doing this brunch shift for about six months now, its kind of a graduation of the bartending thing. So I graduate and now I have the weekends off. In the bar trade if you are a Monday to Friday bartender with the weekends off you have graduated, you have made it as a bartender!! So I come in to the bar on a Sunday to enjoy my day off with my friends. I order a bloody mary which I have probably made a few thousand over the six months that I have worked those shifts. So I notice that the weekend bartender puts vodka in the bloody mary, what an amateur. I say to him way are you putting vodka in a bloody mary, he says, vodka is suppose to go into it, no its not I say- the graduate bartender says. Again he says, vodka and bloody mary mix goes into a bloody mary. At this stage I notice that the owner of the bar is seated across from me laughing his ass off. I say to him, for the last six months all I have put into a bloody mary is bloody mary mix, which for new comers means no booze. He looks at me and says, I love you, you are hired- again. One hundred precent profits for the boss when I work.

With that in mind, please tip you bartender!!